A Life So Far

So, Em is 3. I feel old. She is old. We are going through a lot of changes. i am in denial a bout most of them. I am unsure about a lot of things right now. One thing i know for sure is that my little 3 year old AWESOME!!! she has come amazingly far in her 3 short years. I couldn't find some of the pictures i wanted. I honestly felt like we didn't take that many pictures of Emmeline. mostly because i didn't really want t o be remembering what we were going through. then i realized that we would be going through "it" for a while so i started taking pictures. apparently we took more then i thought because there were a TON to go through. Anyway i figured the pictures explain most of it so i wont go on for a long time here. i will say the pictures definitely leave out the vomit i was swimming in for 2 years. Plus the last few days. lucky you.

still in there.

barely not in there.

whole. this is before any of her 8 surgeries.

cute little Buddha picture.

The hardest day and the beginning of many more.

Isa finally getting to visit.

Isa holding her.

Post G-tube installation. This one was the hardest for me. I chose to permanently scar her.

First Halloween. same day as G-tube

Her own little prison.

She had to wear the O2 24/7 back then because babies nap so much.

Her sleep set up. She still twirls her hair when she sleeps.

Working hard.

She got hours and hours of PT with Appy in NC.

First Christmas

One of many ventings.

More Appy therapy. Really.

Yes it looks like i am sitting on my daughter's chest. No, I am not really. This machine is a godsend but we both hate using it. Our power booger sucker!

Sometimes it's just to hard.

Playing at the park.

Scottish pride. She won best legs in a kilt form the local radio station!

Cousin play time. Before she felt confident with her balance.

Just darn cute!

She did not appreciate her 1st birthday cake. When we moved i set a goal with her speech therapist that she would eat at least one bite of her 2nd birthday cake with out crying. See below.

Right after we moved to Texas.

I'm not sure why she smiling here because I remember her crying at this cake too. maybe she wasn't sure what it was yet.

Bath face.

Ready to play in her first snow. She didn't care for it.

Christmas sister kisses.

The tongue helps with core strength of course.

1st sleep study. Worst night in a hospital EVER!

Our winters, and sometimes summers.

2nd birthday cake.

Sliding on her own at the Dallas Nature and Science Museum.

2nd sleep study. Josh did this one for me. :)

Respect the bun!!

Her best friend Eeyore. We start back with him on Friday!!!!!

The tiny Chef.

Yep. That's my girl. Go ahead, tell her she can't do something!

Too Organized

I like to know where things are and I usually do. At any given moment if josh or isa ask where to find something i know where about 85% of the time. during the reorganization re-haul on the house a few weeks ago i made sure everything had a place and was in it's place. my big problem is...i don't remember the places i put everything. i'm sure at the time my reasoning to place something where i did made sense to me. now it does not. this might have to do with the fact that everything got moved around or that my cognitive abilities are slightly impaired right now or a combo of both. most things i can't find aren't a big deal right then. one big thing i am missing however is my card reader for my digital camera. this in turn means no cute pictures i have been taking for the last few months for my blog readers. just boring whiny words. sorry. not even much of those really. sorry again.
life hasn't been going exactly smoothly lately. after my june joint swelling my health hasn't really been getting any better. nausea, vertigo, dizziness, and week long migraines have been happening more and more here. it has made reading for more then 2-5 minutes impossible without getting sick much less any typing. sometimes i can do nothing at all and be huddled in the bed incapacitated. not fun for anyone. especially josh. he has been great, if not incredibly freaked out. i am not a sickly person. so for me to be incapacitated means i am in trouble. with him in school now it has gotten a bit more difficult but still manageable. thank goodness.
add to all my fun emmeline graduating from ECI to public school therapy and isa homeschooling and i don't know where i get the time and energy to be sick. the school system better start being nicer or they will soon learn why Perkins' are usually quarantined when they are sick.
in the mean time i guess i should mess the house up again so i can find things.

The This'

I'm sick. It might be this, this, this, or this. the problem I have is that i also have this and when doctors hear that they stop listening. i can see their point. why waste their time? it's all in my head right?
gosh i hope so. that would be so much easier. but in reality i have had anxiety for as long as i can remember. i'm an old pro at it. i know how it feels. i have never felt like this before. weak, slow, dizzy, loss of focus, nauseous, joint swelling, fatigue, migraines and yes anxious! who wouldn't be when you have been otherwise healthy your whole life and then all of a sudden start falling apart! i feel sick more then i don't. i think it is the not knowing why that freaks me out the most. is it progressive? am i just going to get sicker and sicker until i can't even function? scared and quite frankly at a loss.

Busy, Busy, Busy

so, I pretty much failed my blog goals this year. well, one of them. i really wanted to keep up with this blog a little better then i have the last month or so. i have been busy but nothing out of the ordinary. my drive just wasn't there. i already had to live it, i didn't want to re-live it by typing it all out. anyway.
em's cardiology appointment went well overall. we aren't having surgery in the near future because after a year of doing nothing the hole in her heart has started to close and the swelling that was happening is going down. great news huh? mostly. the down side is, we still can't do nursery or preschool. we can however go the the park and story time at the library as long as there are no visibly sick kids there. so we start her evaluations to get her home bound preschool 4 days a week in a few weeks. :(
also, the orthopedic specialist said he doesn't think she has scoliosis, but that the "curve" they saw is merely positional since there were no other abnormalities or rotations in her spine!
we almost moved out of our apartment and into a house. almost. in the end we decided that moving wasn't the smartest decision for us right now. we did however decide that we have WAY to much stuff! I have spent the better part of 1.5 weeks completely gutting our apartment and ridding it of anything we don't actually use or need. i opted not to do before and after pictures because 1)i always forget until the after and 2) i don't really want people to see how poorly i organize my stuff. i did keep a tally of how many boxes and bags of trash and giveaway stuff left the house.

trash: 14 bags, 5 medium boxes
giveaway: 8 larger boxes, 4 bags

it makes me kind of sad that i have been storing all that crap in the place i am trying to live for the last 2 years. i also scrubbed EVERY surface of our kitchen. it was nasty! which took my almost 9 hours. it feels good to know that whatever is in here now is what we actually need and use. that is not to say that in another month i wont find more stuff to get rid of. i LOVE to get rid of stuff. plus having a clean organized house helps me wrap my brain around my next big task. homeschooling.

Out With The Old (does that mean I can leave yet?)

I have a ton to do. Nothing I can do right now mind you. That would be to easy. It would also keep my brain busy so I don't go insane but where is the fun in that right? A lot of things are going down that make me sad. As we all know I don't really do emotions (as least not well) so this will most likely get ugly. I have tons of therapy and doctors appointments in the next week or so. I know this doesn't really sound different then my usual schedule but it feels different to me.

Now that Em is almost 3 I have to face the fact that we will be graduating from ECI. My life line for the last (almost) 3 years. Now I am sad when a therapist comes because I now it will soon be the last time. They have worked so hard for our whole family and have become some of my best friends. I feel lost and alone trying to wrap my mind around therapy post ECI. It seems like a constant uphill battle. I don't like those.

One of the doctors is cardiology. Those always freak me out. This is the closest we have ever been to getting her ASD closed so I am super nervous. Nervous for the Yes and nervous for the No. No means my baby still has a whole in her heart. A whole! Yes, means they are going to operate on my baby's heart. Um, kind of important to survival that they don't mess that up. There is also of course the inevitable hospital stay post op. No sleep for me.

The other doctor is Orthopedics. Yep, Em finally has scoliosis. I say finally because we have been screening for this since 6 months old. No idea what this appointment will be like. This alone makes me anxious.

Oh, and did I mention we are moving? Just across town but still. Packing up a whole family is no small feat. Then there is the whole 3rd floor thing. Not really counting on a lot of outside help there. The good thing about moving is going through all my stuff and getting rid of things I have just been storing for the last two years. I love throwing stuff out. It's my favorite.

Add to all this that I gained 6 pounds on vacation so I am now calorie counting again, and you have one emotional Perkins girl. Bring on the Ugly.

Blog Blah

i am feeling kind of blog blah. if that wasn't already painfully obvious. i can either go two ways. a picture post which at this point in our vacation seems totally overwhelming, or doing a "how i feel" post and those usually get ugly. so here i am. stuck and sick and tired.

on an up side my mystery joint pain and swelling seem to have gone away but seems to have left nausea behind. our vacation isn't really ending up to be much of a vacation. of course there has been family drama and WAY to much driving. em apparently hates car rides. she cries for the first 3-4 hours, then passes out, naps for about an hour and then is pretty pleasant for a few hours. then you better be there. isa has been a trooper. pretty much goes wherever, whenever and for however long you want.
i am kind of scared to get home. we have a bunch of big doctor appointments and i am a nervous wreck about them. maybe i should do a post about that. maybe.

on of the things i don't care for on vacation is that everyone you are seeing already wants to know when you will be back again and you haven't even left yet. drama.

isa is getting baptized on Saturday and it makes me feel old and unprepared. she is such a mature cutie.

i think my baby might be possessed. anyone know a good priest?

i made it up the big hill at my parent's house twice without stopping running.

em finally decided to nap 4.5 hours late. on my chest while i type. i'm serious about that priest.

Added Incentive?

So, I can't help but notice that i got no comments on the last post. This leads me to think that I didn't interest anyone enough to try it. Or maybe everyone one who reads my blog is already cooking something new for their families every night? I'm not judging but i doubt it. I thought I might add a point of interest to motivate you. Not that most people who read this blog need to even been concerned with this but it's cool none the less. Each of these meals, including one if not two of the side dishes mentioned, is at most 600 calories! the bulk of them are closer to 400-500 but a few are higher. I have a big problem with portion control. I can usually eat more then any man at the table (excluding my brother in law Joe. what can i say? he has a gift). this has lead to some extra poundage needing to be addressed and these meals helped me feel full but not gross and sluggish.
who knows? maybe you guys just aren't interested in cooking?

A Modified Challenge

A blog I follow, Give Them Roots, is doing a challenge. It sounded interesting so i thought i would give it a try. i changed the rules a bit to better fit my situation.

one of the changes is a VERY, VERY bad habit. we do not usually eat together at the table. i feel extra guilty about this change because i really do know how important 'family at the table' meals are. my reasoning to not do this is totally selfish. i like to eat. a lot. having an 8 year old ask "if i eat this many bites can i be done?" every five minutes and having a 2 year old who wants whatever anyone else has and then chews it up and spits it out over and over is not my idea of a good meal. i hate it. after this kind of meal i am not only i in a terrible mood but my stomach hurts. so, i am being selfish and i eat after the kids are in bed.

the other change is we do eat repeats. pretty much all recipes and ingredients are written and sold for 4 people. this means we have leftovers. i am cheap. we will eat those leftovers until they are gone and then i will make a new meal.

overall it has been really fun. i have several "go to" websites that i look for recipes on and have found that i really like cooking. also, i am kind of good at it. i NEVER would have said that a month ago. not that i am a bad cook but nothing really special. i can usually cook without burning but felt that most of my food tasted the same.

here is a list of the new recipes we have tried.

week 1
Spinach Lasagna Rolls
Zucchini Casserole
White Pizza
Strawberry, Feta and Spinach Salad(adapted)
Quinoa and Black Bean Salad
Grilled Stone Fruits with a Balsamic Glaze
Flank Steak with tomatoes and Onions
Cauliflower Fritters
Asian Chicken Orzo
Cucumber Salad
Parmesan Tilapia (one of the ones we didn't like)
Baked Zucchini Fries
Bacon, Almond Green beans (not sure where i got this recipe)

week 2

Sun Dried Tomato and Bacon Chicken
Broccoli and Toasted Garlic
Baked Coconut Shrimp
Fiesta Rice
Chicken Gyros
Tabbouleh
Vegetarian Steamed Dumplings
Pasta Primavera
Grilled Eggplant Wraps
Roasted Butternut Squash
i have a feeling a might have cheated on some of the side dishes this week and just grilled up what ever was fresh that week

week 3 we are only part of the way through this one but i will list everything

Tofu stir fry with rice
Vegetarian Ribollita ( josh did not care for this. i liked it though)
Baked onion rings
roasted acorn squash
slow cooked black eyed peas and ham
creamy cauliflower puree
potato leek soup
quinoa fried "rice"
zucchini pancakes
lime, chili corn on the cob
mixed baby green with blackberries and toasted almonds
tilapia with Thai coconut curry (this is a new one for me. i don't really like curry)
Bangin Good shrimp
baked chicken nuggets
Asian glazed drumsticks
collard greens and bacon
Zucchini, squash saute (just like it sounds)

It's pretty fun and worth trying. the only down side is trying to widen our flavor range caused me to have to spend a little extra to buy seasoning and spices we didn't have but i think it was totally worth it. I even bought an apron!

Finally Finished

The project took FOREVER!!!!!! i thought i would be able to crank it out in a long weekend but i didn't take into account how long paint needs to cure before you put anything on it. anyway. my sister terra originally got my nana's dining room set. this included a table that seats 6 with chairs and a hutch. neither were really my style but we didn't have a table so when terra offered it to me i took it. as you can see it has a yellowish 70s type finish to it. very, very unappealing. i kind of regretted taking it because it not only isn't my style but it does not fit in our dining room. i, however, am SUPER cheap so we kept it. after a while though it really started getting to me. josh got excited at getting rid of it and not having to move it again. i guess he forgot how cheap i am. before we ditched it i wanted to try refinishing it. here we go.

here is what i started with.




yucky yellow/orange finish.


after sanding for a bit i decided to head to home depot for a consult (in hopes that there was a way around all the sanding). this is where i met Dave. my paint guy. he gave me the bad news gently. i either had to use a primer, which would mess up my desired end result, or sand the whole thing. my arm is tired.

and this is only the bottom half.





on to painting. oh, wait. i forgot to take any pictures of that. maybe it was my haste in trying to paint while em either didn't notice or wasn't around. sorry. i ended up using a black oil based paint used on boats.

so.. here is what i ended up with

in the end i sanded the whole thing twice. i didn't like it at first. i was hoping to only sand a bit but once i sanded an area you could really tell unless i sanded the whole thing once over after painting. this made it look a bit more distressed then i intended but within a few days a liked it. anything way better then before though.




the lighting sucks in my house




a lot of work but at least we like it now. plus it kept me busy which is always good. now to get a table we like.

Isa's Birthdays

As usual Isa had multiple birthday "things" this year. i think i made 3 separate birthday desserts and that was only by the time she got to the family party she opted for ice cream. i wont go into how old i feel on this birthday. but i do.
before we do the party pictures i want to show you why i feel old.






I'm just saying. anyway here we go.

school birthday! as i said in my previous post. Isa requested these.



they were a huge hit and the kids loved them!! it made a HUGE mess in my kitchen though.


the next day was her friend party. she decided to take just a few friends roller skating instead of a huge party. (which was nice for me). i think she thought that since she had just discovered skating her friends had too. they however, were great skaters and i think it upset Isa a bit. she is still in the hold onto the edge and shuffle stage. after a few break downs i got her a little walker to push and she was much happier.

group shot


posing in the arcade


much happier with the walker


after skating we headed home for dinner and cake.


one very happy girl


josh and i intentionally did not blow up balloons because they get everywhere and it takes about a week to locate and pop them all. guess what the first thing the girls asked for was when they got into the house?




emmeline of course wanted to play too.


i think this picture accurately shows how difficult it is for someone one of her stature to carry 2 balloons.


isabella requested a blueberry cake with lemon icing for her cake this year. very yummy.


it is amazing how much noise 4 girls can make. very, giggly. isa loved her gifts. she got a motion sensor for her bedroom door, a new beach towel, and a bead pet kit. she has been playing with all of them non-stop. a good 8th birthday. did i mention that i feel old? i do.

oh, and i didn't even mention that snickerdoodles she asked for for girls scouts!

Better Off a Hermit

I don't like how emotions make me feel. pretty much every emotion leaves me feeling shaky and slightly nauseous. it's an overall unpleasant experience. so it seems to me that hermits have my dream life. some people want a big house, a nice car, and to be surrounded by friends.

me, not so much. i would love to be in a little shack in the woods where when i felt like i could handle an interaction with another human i could choose to come out. i mean, i haven't totally lost it (i think) so i know i would occasionally enjoy being around other humans. It's just that emotions are 100% overstimulating. my senses can only take so much before they start to shut down. i can fight the shut down for a while and even have about a 40% success rate in delaying it. then i feel shaky and nauseous.

it's like my body processes emotion and a stomach bug the same way. "what is this strange feeling? maybe it's just my imagination. nope, still there. well, maybe if i ignore it it will go away. nope still there. crap! i think i need to puke!"

so, i think it is safe to say that i would rather avoid them. my life doesn't seem to understand that though. or maybe it just doesn't care. either way i seem to end up feeling shaky and nauseous. i bet most people who have to interact with me do as well.

not very articulate i know. maybe i'll do better next time. anyway, i hope i'm not catching.

The Things I Do For This Face (a little more appetizing)

last year Isa wasn't in school on her birthday. she really missed being able to have a treat at school with her friends. this year her birthday falls on the last day of school so i was determined to do something. i set up a date and time with her teacher. then i made the mistake of asking her what she wanted me to bring. first she wanted three different kinds of cupcakes with three different icings. um, nope. i told her she had to pick one flavor. she was pretty disappointed and asked for some time to think about it. a few days later she told me what she wanted after having seen one of the cooking blogs i follow. Rainbow Donuts. i agreed. yes i am that cool. i think they turned out pretty good but since i am calorie restricting i haven't actually tasted one. i mean, come on, fried dough covered in sugar. they have to be good.



the leftovers. covered in sugar of course.


the close up artsy one