Sometimes I get really, really angry when I think about the doctor's motives surrounding such a hard choice for our family. It's something I am constantly having to try and move past. Which is harder then I ever imagined. It bothers me that I let this eat away at my happiness for all the amazing things Emmeline has done over the last 3 years. She is truly exceptional. Today I'll try to see her exceptional things. Will I make it that whole day? Probably not. But I will at least give it the best I have. Just like 3 years ago.
Like I said in a previous post, the fall reminds me of Emmeline being in the hospital. Most of that makes me feel better but one thing sticks out like a sore thumb and kind of ruins it. Halloween. On this day 3 years ago I made what I was told was a life saving decision. Maybe it was. I'll never know. All I do know is I am full of regret. I can't help but feel that if we had given her a bit more time she would have done it. But I was new to this and thought they really had her best interest at heart and not just their schedule. How naive I was. On that day 3 years ago I decided to permanently scar my daughter's beautiful tummy. Now if she ever shows her stomach she will get hit with questions. For a choice she had no choice in. It was very difficult to have the G-tube placed. It took all the self control I had to not run into the O R and grab her off the table. I just sat and cried the whole procedure. The Chaplin in the waiting room was so freaked out they didn't even approach me. It did probably make her stronger faster then she could have alone but at what cost? Vomiting multiple times a day for years. Totally forgetting how to eat. Our sanity. Any chance at a "normal" family life. In the back of my mind I truly believe she didn't need it. But that doesn't matter now.
Emmeline's riding lessons are usually on Friday mornings. Josh has class. Emmeline's instructor and I have been trying to convince him to skip said class and come watch her ride. She is being super cute these days on Eeyore and we really wanted him to see in person. No such luck. Apparently professors think Phd classes are really important or something. Totally unreasonable.
Well, last week we hit the jackpot. The instructor had to go out of town on Friday and needed to reschedule for Tuesday. Josh's morning "off". He never really has extra time but he took a break from homework and came to riding with us. Emmeline was THRILLED!!! She wanted him to do everything with her and wanted me to get out of their way. So, i stepped back and documented their Daddy Daughter time. Very Cute.
Showing him how to do all the tack.
I can attest to how hard it is to lift Emmeline and that saddle. They are heavy.
Helmet on and ready to ride!
Her fist pump "Go"!!!!
Deciding whether or not she wants to do "air plane arms"
Walking Eeyore back to his "house" butt shot
On the way out the owner saw Isa and asked if she wanted to ride. Um, I can' tell if she liked it. Can you?
I am so glad Josh was able to come. Both girls LOVED having him there!!! Emmeline was really showing off for him.
I love pumpkin patches! They kind of force me to feel fall. Unless it's hot then my brain kind of freaks out. We were lucky enough to have a cool streak this week so it ended up being the perfect week to go to the patch. Well, except that we had 3 other appointments that morning. :( . So I canceled 2 of the 3 and off we went. It wasn't as cool as the patch we went to for homeschool days when we first moved here but that patch was an hour away so I'll take 20 minutes and a moderate amount of fun instead.
Part of the big draw for this patch is all their cute cutouts for pictures. It was super sunny though so Em didn't really want to open her eyes pretty much the whole time. She did still offer up some cuteness you can see below.
Em tried the bouncy house. Try that with no vestibular system!
Isa was a great big sister and took Em through the maze
It helped that she could see over the top
Not really made for a kid her size but I couldn't resist
In the pumpkin house
Notice a theme in the next few pictures? I swear she just started doing it herself!
It was like she was saying "Mom, it is way to bright out here. This is all you're going to get". I'll take it!!
Whenever the weather gets cool and I don't get much sleep it makes me reminisce. I think of Emmeline shortly after she was born. When she was doing her very best to scare us to death. I should have known that she was just messing with me. No matter what we did it always seemed like she was in total control. That she could "stop" at anytime and we could all go home. We did what we thought was our best, and what was best for her. I wonder if she will agree? Or if she will think that with a good nap we would have been thinking more clearly and done things differently?
Oddly I feel safer this time of year. More at peace. Less scared. Back then I had a whole hospital to help me. Plus I had no idea what was one the road ahead. I thought "if we can just make it thought this we can go home and start our normal life". A thought that is laughable now.
I miss the hospital, I miss the Ronald McDonald House, the nurses, the rooftop playground, the Condon's, the janitor I would chat with everyday, the toy room, and the pediatrician from back home who would call to check on the patient he hadn't met yet.
I have met some really amazing people through all this. Some were amazingly stupid but amazing none the less. I'm sure I'll meet more of both. But for now I will try and remember that feeling of safety. The time when everyone had my back. While I had Emmeline's.
When someone asks me what they can save money on couponing I always tell them the same thing. Not healthy food. Personal care items will be raining from the sky. I have the more razors, shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, toothbrushes, floss, lotion, body wash, you name I have more of it then cabinet space.
Let me clarify a bit. By healthy food I mean something that is not processed, carb heavy, boxed food. I can get a ton of "Whole Grain" stuff. When I want healthy, I want low calorie. There might be a random produce coupon every once in a blue moon but not enough.
I am so sick of these coupon websites trying to get me to buy Velveeta boxed dinners just because they are free. YAY! Free Fat!!! Who wouldn't want that? Um, me and my hips. Why can't I get a a free box of tomatoes?!
Now my coupon sites are going crazy because there is cheap Great Grains Post cereal on sale this week. Still not healthy. That stuff is not only high in calories but loaded with sugar. Well, more sugar then something deemed "healthy" should be. It is so infuriating!!! Just because it says whole grain on it doesn't make it good for you!!!!! Otherwise my idea of "Whole Grain Cheese" would have really taken off.
At dinner the other night I asked Josh if he could have his picture taken with any celebrity of the opposite sex who would it be. He answered pretty quickly that he would pick Catherine Zeta-Jones. I have to admit I was surprised. I figured it would be Christine Taylor or a Deschanel sister.
Then he asked me who I would choose. When I answered that I would probably choose Michael Shanks, he kind of chuckled and said "Oh, I thought you meant someone on the AH list". I was insulted by this. Next he said he thought Michael was a little too dorky to be a top pick. Again, I was insulted. Maybe he originally played a dorky character but that character ended up kicking some serious A$#. Very manly. Plus I'm pretty sure by the end of the series his arms were bigger then my head. I'm not usually attracted to muscular cut guys (no I am not saying josh is fat or un-muscular so don't even start that) but I make an exception here for the sake of humanity.
Pretty dorky but still cute.
More manly because he is carrying a gun. That he has killed bad guys with. How do I know that from a head shot? Yes, I know the full uniform and that he has a gun strapped to his right leg.