Things I Thought About You In The Middle Of The Night

To the "person" who stole my phone from Walgreens tonight.  Here are a few thoughts about you as I sat awake feeling to violated to sleep.

You are Crap
You are worthless to everyone
You shame everyone who knows you
You probably don't care
You have an evil heart
You make me sick
You are devious
Your mother failed you
You failed your mother
I would spit in your face
I would take out a billboard with your picture on it saying you are a thief, while showing me spitting in your face
You feel self entitled
You are probably all cozy in your bed with MY phone charging on your nightstand
You invaded me
You stole pictures of MY KIDS
The thought of you seeing those pictures makes me want to vomit
I wish you could feel what I feel
Do you even have feelings?
I would spit in your face again
You are disgusting
You can go to hell and I hope you do
You better not taint MY phone with Candy Crush
You are conniving
You are sleazy
Your thoughtlessness will haunt me forever and if I get to be a ghost I will haunt you forever
I'm glad me pushing the "play sound" button on icloud over and over irritated you so much you had to turn off MY phone
I hope karma bites you and then craps on your face
I hate your face
I hate you


A Sunday Afternoon Ramble That Rambled A Little Long....

I don't like how emotions make me feel.  I'm a control freak.  Whether my hatred of emotion feeds my need for control or my need for control feeds my hatred for emotion isn't really relevant in my opinion but they are eternally linked.  Well, it isn't accurate to imply that I hate all emotion.  There is one range of emotion where I feel totally at peace and in control.  Oddly, that is the Anger/Annoyance range.  I feel totally calm and level headed when I am angry at someone.  It's kind of nice. It feels like a "Force Push" release of all my built up unwanted emotions.  I can totally focus.

During a very enlightening therapy session once, my therapist asked what I "do" with all the other emotions if they happen to creep in?  I thought it was an odd question because in my mind I was blocking those emotions out when ever they tried to creep in.  He had a very different (and mostly correct)  point of view.  That all those emotions were still there.  That I decided I couldn't/wouldn't process them so I put them behind what he called me emotional "dam".  Don't you love all these cute little catch phrases?  Anyway,  my dam would work for quite a while and then when it would fill up I would get angry.  Since anger was my safe emotion I could use it to let out of little bit of overflow from behind my dam.  Not the healthiest but as as single person it served me well.  Once I got married not so much.  In marriage you can't be in total control, you know since there is another living thinking person in the mix (but believe me, I tired).  I didn't like it.  Not at all.

Even after realizing the damage this type of "Force Pushing" could do I had a really hard time stopping.   Stopping meant finding another way of letting emotion out of my dam.  Yes I still have a dam, I'm only human after all, you can't have everything!!

So, some years/months/days were more successful then others.  For me, as with most people I think, the worst emotion is sadness.  I just can't seem to deal with that well.  I get stuck.  It's like this sticky gooey pit you can't get out of and even if you manage to, you can't get all of it off before you fall in again.  The last 4.5 years with Emmeline have been educational to say the least.  In many many ways.  It's like I'm in a crash course on dealing with emotions because they swing back and forth so quickly I think I have whip lash.  Sometimes me feelings literally hurt.  It's like every nerve in my body is stimulated and can't turn off.  Just a constant ache.

I hate crying very, very much.  It is hands down in my top 5 of things I hate to do and I've had to do some pretty awful things.  We Perkins girls, as I have said before, are not pretty criers.  We don't get all dewy and have tears silently fall down our cheeks.  We get puffy and red and the snot tends to flow faster then the tears.  It isn't pretty.

 I have designated places where I try to cry.  Yes, I said try to cry on purpose.  The thing with my dam is, sometimes I can't gauge just how full it is until it's too late.  I'm either in a situation where I can't really get angry appropriately or I don't have time to figure out an exit plan.  This can lead to several outcomes.  I can either get really hostile, shut down or cry.  Since like I mentioned before that sometimes you can't work mean into the appropriately and I hate crying I needed another option.

Forced crying.  I try to make myself cry to let out just enough emotion to function nicely with people.  Super healthy sounding I know.  Since my crying freaks more then a few people out I try to do it in private.  My 2 favorite place are the shower and my car.  The shower works well because I don't have to worry about getting all dirty and gross from crying because I'm already in the shower.  The car is more for convenience.

It wasn't until recently that I have been second guessing the car.  I was sitting at a light trying to cry when I realized something.  People can see me.  Stupid I know.  Before I figured that even if someone was looking at me closely as we drove past each other they likely wouldn't realize I was crying due to speed, but at a light it was pretty obvious.  Do they wonder why I'm crying?  I would if I saw me.  I would worry, what would make this person break down in their car at a light?  What is happening to them?  Maybe I should get one of those pull down baby shades and write "I swear I'm not abused!"  on it.

Why aren't there more private places to cry?  Yes I have a home but there are kids there.  All the time. Am I the only person who likes to cry alone? I doubt it.  I really think there should be a business where you can just go and cry.  No one would bother you, or ask what's wrong or if there is anything they can do.  Because let's be honest, sometimes it is just something you have to do alone and although they mean well it doesn't really help, and sometimes that's hard and sometimes you need to cry.  Alone.


Eventually Our Turn

When Emmeline was super little and in the ICU we had the best room.  It was right across from the nurses station so they could never forget about us.  Every time they sat down they would look up and see us and feel compelled to make sure there wasn't anything we needed.
This room also gave me a great view of the info board for all the patients on the floor.  Don't worry, no one's privacy was violated.  It only had first and  last initial, who their nurse was, who their Dr was, and their room #.  At the very end there was a small box.  In every patients box was drawn a small heart.  Every box except Emmeline's.  I finally asked our nurse what it meant.  Emmeline was the only patient in the ICU ( and it was fairly full)  that wasn't a heart patient.  At the time I thought how lucky we were that her heart had been checked out and we didn't have anything to worry about.  Yeah...
I should have known better.  I guess it's our turn now.  Now that little drawn heart will be us.  It's amazing now significant a little drawing can be.  Hopefully it will be our only time with that on our board...Maybe I shouldn't have said that....


The Big Lie

After watching the second to last episode of The Office I can no longer remain silent.  Pam and Jim have one of the worst relationships I have seen on TV in quite some time.  At first it seemed sweet enough.  Boy likes girl, girl is with someone else, boy loves her from afar, boy eventually gets girl.
I will admit as guilty as I felt, I wanted Jim to make a move.  But then not so much.  Sure Roy was a jerk compared to Jim, but does that somehow negate that Jim caused Pam to cheat on her fiance?  Why wasn't this a bigger deal!?  Sure Roy tried to unsuccessfully punch Jim later (which he deserved)  but it still didn't feel like enough.  But that is not my big issue.
My problem with Pam and Jim is how one sided their relationship is.  Jim makes all the sacrifices for their family.  He always supports Pam in her every whim.  He tells her he backs her no matter what.  To follow her dreams, even if it isn't what he wants.  He lets her decide without biasing her with his pouting.  What did Pam do when Jim wanted to follow his big dream?  Sorry honey, but no. Who cares if you could make our family way more money and do something you love!  I'll string you along for a while so you can get really attached to your dream and then cut you off.  Aren't I sweet?  How does Jim respond to this?  Shocked at first but then caves.  Pam, you're a B#$%^.
There are only 2 big things I think Jim ever did that maybe would have scored him some selfish points.  One, buying a house without telling Pam.  I'm not sure this one even counted.  I would LOVE it if a guy bought me a house.  Plus they weren't even married or anything so...it was Jim's money to do with as he pleased.  Suck it Pam.
The other which is rather large, was taking the Job in Philadelphia.  As previously stated, this job made them more money AND was something Jim loved.  But Pam wouldn't give up her apparently great job as office administrator so Jim could live his dream for while.
This gives such a TERRIBLE example of a healthy relationship!!  Why does the guy have to so all the work?  In the latest episode Pam was afraid Jim would resent her if he didn't follow his dream.  I thought "Yay, now they'll be real, and Pam will have support Jim".  Boy was I wrong.  What was the show's answer?  "No Pam, I love you so I'll never resent you".  Yeah freaking right!!!  Yes, he will resent you and probably your children too because YOU ARE SELFISH!!!!  It takes give from both parties to maintain a healthy relationship!!! Why does TV do this?! I blame The Office for high divorce rates.   Even if Pam caves next week and they do move away for Jim to FINALLY get to do a job he can excel at and enjoy, it's a little too late.    I will forever feel sorry for Jim that he happened to fall in love with such a selfish woman.  Suck it up Pam, your not that amazing, you shouldn't push your luck.

Oh, I remembered ONE time Pam didn't get her way right away.  One Halloween Jim refused to dress up like Popeye.  It bothered me that Pam even asked because it was obvious to everyone that Jim didn't like to dress up.  What ends up happening?  Jim caves and dress up anyway.

I would even argue that Dwight and Angela had a more realistic relationship.  Doesn't this sound a little more normal compared to the Utopia of Pam and Jim?
1)  Booty calls
2) Cat euthanization
3) Raising a child that isn't his
4) Being with the wrong person at the wrong time
5) Finally almost wrecking as he proposes marriage

My vote is for Dwight and Angela for the long hall.


The Awkward Talk

I thought about doing it over email.  Honestly I would probably prefer 70% of my human interactions actually took place in writing instead.  Less messy. Talking requires too much interaction.  You have to make eye contact, and nod.  Plus I don't get do overs on the faces I make that are all too telling about what I'm actually thinking.  Emails and txts are safer for everyone.
Since I probably wouldn't be at church on Sunday and people were already making announcements about medical stuff with several families in the ward (congregation) I decided our mid week woman's activity was a good time to let people know that we just found out that Emmeline's heart surgery is scheduled for this coming Wednesday.  As in 6 days from now.  I hadn't really said it out loud to anyone other than Josh which I didn't realize until I teared up.  Saying out loud that your child is having heart surgery is kind of like hitting yourself in the face with a brick.  In the back of your mind your thinking you're tough, and let's be honest this my first go round, but then it hurts.
I learned tonight that not even a room full of women know what to do when someone just starts crying. You still get those "Oh crap" looks as all eyes are suddenly averted to the floor.  Then one brave soul tries to dissipate the situation by asking practical questions to try and distract everyone.
I didn't know the answer.  As I sat there I realized that I had no idea what exactly would be happening to my little Dumple.  For a moment I got angry.  Why hadn't anyone told me!?
Oh, yeah.  I don't want to know.  This is one procedure I would rather be told about afterward.  I just have no desire to know what they will be doing to her little body.  It makes my soul hurt to even consider the possibility that they might stop her tiny heart that works so hard. Even for a moment.  A deep, deep hurt that I can't adequately describe.
Anyway...of course people came up to me afterward to see what I needed.  They meant well.  It was sweet and I am honestly glad they tried.  Seriously.  I just don't know how to get help.  People offer and I just don't know what to say.  I smile and thank them for the thought.  I know I probably wont call.  I'm trying to be better about it.  Here's the problem: I need to do it.  I don't know why or what exactly I  think it proves but I can't walk away.  Maybe it's fear that if I had to do it alone I am admitting I couldn't?  I don't know.  Often times the act of figuring out what in my life someone else could substitute for me is more difficult then just doing it myself.  I have often said, when people say I'm a great mom that the only difference between me and the bad moms is that I can't walk away.  I guess that's the line. Crossing it would just lead to a different awkward talk and we all know how well I do awkward.


I Can't Believe You'd Leave A Girl Hanging!

Whenever I feel bored or just need something to keep my brain busy I hit the handy little "Next Blog" button in the left hand corner of my blog.  Off I go into some random blog.  Sometimes they are good.  Mostly it's some Mommy Blogger who wants to tell everyone how she just had an epiphany about how she "doesn't have to do it all"  or  "how she made 50 freezer crock pot meals and you can too!"  Neither of which I am really into.   There are also a HUGE amount of blogs that never get updated.  If you haven't updated in over 1.5 years then just throw in the towel.  Shut it down!
The ones I really like are the ones that are honest.  That blog about their crappy day or the person that really got on their nerves and made them never want to leave the house again. No, my blog isn't the only one like that out there.
 I do have to admit that the medical ones are my favorite.  I like popping in and looking back several years so I can see all the progress in just a few minutes.  It's like those youtube videos that show a kid growing up really fast.  I think it ultimately stems from the fact that I don't like to wait.  I hate watching new tv shows, waiting for phone calls, having appointments, pretty much anything that requires me to wait for something to happen.
The problem are those blogs that peak my interest and then don't follow through.  I devour their posts getting all engrossed in the story, excited to find out what happens next.  That's when I see it.  They haven't updated in years.  It's like writing half a book, publishing it and then saying "oh, never mind, I'm bored with this".  Rude.
I found just one such blog written by a Doctor no less.  He treated Alzheimer's patients.  It was a very intriguing and heart wrenching blog.  Whether said doctor became too busy or decided it infringed on his patient's rights I don't know.  Mostly because he didn't say.  But either way he should said something, anything.  All it does is peak people's interest and then not follow through.
Shut it down! It's not even really that hard.  I mean seriously, you're a doctor!


The Year Of Hole Closures

Most of my time is spent on the phone with receptionists.  If I am lucky enough to get through what I refer to as "the door guard", I then get to talk to the Nurse.  Who then relays whatever she deems necessary to the actual Doctor.  If they think my question is worth answering then they will relay the reply back through our adult game of telephone to me.  Part of me understand why they do this and the other part HATES it.  I inevitably have another question about whatever the doctor's response was which just starts things all over again.  I spend whatever part of my time that isn't on the phone waiting for my phone to ring.  The part I hate the most is when the clock hits about 4:45 and I know I will now have to hope they remember my question in the morning and start our game all over again.
I can count on one hand the number of times an actual Doctor called me and only one other time it has been after 5pm.
I have been playing "telephone" all day with several Doctor offices in regards to Emmeline's cochlear implant none of which were wrapped up before they closed shop.  So you can imagine my surprise when my phone rang at 5:05pm and when I picked up an actual Doctor was on the other line.  It wasn't just a regular Doctor either, it was a Surgeon!  It took me a few second to recover.  It wasn't about Emmeline's CI.
What was it about you ask?  After 3 years of back and forth we are finally getting Emmeline's ASD repaired!!!  I am SUPER excited about it!  Not only does this mean my daughter wont be walking around with a hole in her heart, but they will be able to close it with a catheter via her femoral artery!  Sorry I know that's a lot of exclamation points.  I am just glad to be wrapping it up.  This will hopefully have a positive impact on her CI "issues" we are having right now but I'll go into that in a post of two.
YAY!!! No more hole!!!!  Being myself I feel like I should point out that she will still have her other defect (bicuspid aortic valve) but it shouldn't impact her for several decades and is treatable at that time.