Back Up

looks pretty cute without a hole in her tummy huh?

Before hell began.

the flash just woke her up. she was less then pleased.

She loves to pose.

The pumpkin she picked.

More posing.

Apparently josh teased isa that he was going to throw a pumpkin at her and she hid behind a tree. this was after the crying stopped.


I Think I Might Have Died And Not Noticed

That pretty much describes how i feel now days. My original intention was to post some pictures but that faded fast when i couldn't find the external hard drive. any extra effort is really hard to muster. I am pretty sure this is the longest i have gone without going to the doctor since we got released from the hospital at the beginning of November. just so you know it has been 5 days. we have had lots of follow up visits and some new stuff.

We had the pleasure of having a stomach bug go through our family over the holiday and even poor little Em got it. it has been a struggle getting the volume she eats back to where it should be. i was pretty upset since i managed to make it all the way though my pregnancy without throwing up.

Not much new stuff is happening for us. my life pretty much consists of doctor appointments, cleaning medical equipment and doing laundry. i never can get away from the laundry. I have had to witness and actually do things i had never imagined. People try and "comfort" me. it doesn't help. it's not that i think they aren't trying to help in there own "special" way. it is just that i just don't care what they think. maybe if they really KNEW me or if they had a special needs kid too it wouldn't fill me with rage. rage and exhaustion are pretty much the only things i feel. there is the occasional bright light like tonight when Em looked at Josh and did her real first smile. Now i just wish she would do that at me.


The Whole Story

my mind feels like it might explode trying to remember this but i will do my best.

so at about my 34 week check up my midwife put me on bed rest. i thought it would be fun but not really. i had to be in a reclined position for most of the day. i was aloud to get up to pee and i could sit up for one meal a day. the worst part was all the people yelling at me for picking up anything or doing pretty much anything. katie was a huge help. she cleaned my house, did my dishes and brought me yummy food. i think i would have gone crazy without her.

the next few weeks consisted of lots of doctor appointments in boone, lenoir and winston. it is really blurry at this point. my 37th week is when everything seemed to happen. i went to see my supervision physician and he thought it would be best to induce me so they could monitor emmaline the whole time. after a lot a debating they called my on spetember 11th and
told me they would be inducing me that afternoon. that is when the fun really began.

we headed down the mountain after josh got home and i started having kind of regular contractions on the way. when we got there they weren't ready for us because they thought we were going to get there an hour later. we got settled in and they hooked me up the monitors. of course the heartbeat was really wacky and the nurse freaked out. she called my midwife and doctor who both said not to worry and they started my induction. by the next morning i was hurting and ready for my epidural. the only problem was that the pediatrician on call wasn't "comfortable" and wouldn't let them deliver me there. about an hour later i was in an ambulance without my husband going to winston where they have a nicu.

the staff there was wonderful. they got me my epidural before they restarted the induction. they had given me really good meds on the way to stall the contractions. there were people constantly coming in to check on me and introduce themselves. once my pain meds were flowing everyone left me alone. i sent josh to get some dinner and then it happened. my epidural stopped working. it was worse then with isa. in the end they got it working again right in time to push so i couldn't feel a thing. once i was ready to push all the doctors descended. there were three for me three for em and one to supervise everyone. i only had to push through three contractions which was great. in the end the doctors were gone within 15 minutes of delivery. emmaline and i were completely fine. the rest of the hospital stay was pretty boring. emmaline was very, very sleepy and didn't really wake up for days.

when i average out the last few weeks emmaline ended up being at the doctor about every other day. first she was jaundiced. then four day check up. then constipated. then reflux, then ENT. then pedantic ENT. then anesthesiologist. then two week check up. now surgery.

when she was at her constipation visit the doctor noticed she was mouth breathing. after examining her he realized she wasn't getting any air through her nose. so, he referred her to the first ENT and he realised that her right nostril was completely sealed. this is what lead us to several stressful weeks of blue babies and no sleep.

she is doing really well right now after the surgery. she is learning not to panic when she eats and breath through her now open nostril.

i really hope that my baby will relax a little so we can enjoy having a newborn. isa is going crazy because she can't help with her much since she choke all the time. it will take some time for em to readjust to nose breathing but when she does it will be great.

i'll do a more detailed post about her surgery and hospital stay later.

i realize this might not make much sense. if anyone has additional questions about what happened just comment ask it. i will also update on our latest hospital stay when it is over and i can process it.


A Much Needed Update

so i actually feel like i have real information about the baby for the first time in three weeks so i figured i would post it.

the baby still has an irregular heart beat but everything else seems to be developing fine. since it isn't affecting anything physically the doctors think that she will probably grow out of it but they recommend she have at least one EKG after delivery to be sure.

The part of the brain the doctors were originally concerned about (the cerebellum) looks fine after the MRI. that means the baby doesn't have Dandy Walker like we were told originally. they did find however that the baby's left ventricle in the brain is enlarged. this could be nothing but if the swelling continues they might need to drain it. we wont know about that part until they do the follow up MRI on the baby after delivery. apparently she moved too much in the first one and after she is born they can sedate her so they can get a clear picture. i am not thrilled about knocking my baby out when she is that little but if it helps them treat her then i will just have to deal.

overall i am really sick of having people look at my baby. it seems like the more they looked at her the more they found "might" be wrong with her. i am really glad that the serious stuff seems to be working itself out. it is weird. if someone told me a month ago i would be excited about brain swelling i would have told them they were crazy but it doesn't seem like such a big deal now. one of the doctors consulting on my case actually has the same thing.

i have been a little nervous because a pediatrician i have never met was getting to decide whether or not i could deliver in Winston or Lenoir. we finally got all my records back to my midwife and she sent them to the pediatrician who said he thought everything looks fine to deliver in Lenoir. so in the end it looks like i can deliver with my midwife in Lenoir. YAY! also they might be able to do the MRI on the baby in Lenoir after delivery which would be great. that way i wont have to drive to Winston with a newborn and while i still feel like crap and josh is working two jobs. another thing was that i had to get in touch with the pediatrician i chose up here and tell him about the baby and see if he was OK still treating her. i talked to him today and he said everything was fine so i am glad i didn't have to find a pediatrician in Winston. i really love this pediatrician so am extra excited about this.

i tell you, if they were trying to stress me into labor they did a really really good job. i finally feel like i can breath a little bit though. i do still have three doctor appointments next Thursday but they are mostly follow ups and treatment plan stuff so that is not so bad.

for those of you who are bored and/or overloaded with all this information here is a little reward. since i have had to get like 20 ultrasounds i have gotten some cute 3D/4D pictures. the Dr even managed to get her smiling a little bit in one. her hand is up in the first one and she is face down in the second one so we could only get the side of her face but it is still pretty cool.


I'm Going

First off i would like to thank everyone who has left me supportive comments and such. It really helped me. that being said here is the situation. i have reached saturation point. well, i think i reached it about a week and a half ago. so i have decided to shut down a bit. i therefore am asking everyone to not try and ask me or talk to me about anything pertaining to my pregnancy. this includes the question "so how are you doing/feeling?" or "i am here if you want/need to talk." this may seem selfish, mean or self destructive but to be honest at this point i really don't care. since i have to make it through this i have decided to do it the only way i can at this point. total disconnection from my emotions and reality until i can't stand it anymore and then a private sob fest followed by another disconnect.
some mental health red flags might be going off for some of you. ignore the urges to "help me". i am well aware that this isn't the "healthiest" way to deal with this situation but this is how it is going to go down. if some of you think you are exempt from this and think you don't need to follow my request i will just say "THIS DOES MEAN YOU!" thanks.


Don't Get Excited

this is not a post giving any "real" update on the pregnancy. i will say that i went and got a fetal MRI today. it was really hard. first i had no idea where i was going or where i could park so i left early and ended up getting there and hour early and finding that they had a special parking lot for MRI patients. I would rather be early then late so that didn't bother me too much.
i had to wait a while because one of the machines was being serviced. everyone was really nice though. they told me i would be going into the machine feet first since it was fetal so i thought it wouldn't be to bad.
granted i could still see out the top but i had to go in way to deep. i thought my nose was going to touch the top it was so tight. my procedure lasted an hour. i wish they had a clock mounted in there since you can't wear a watch. i couldn't even do my deep breathing because it made me move too much. it is also super loud so i couldn't doze off because every time i did it would bang and make me jump. in the end they told me to breath shallow and i thought "i can barely breath as it is" i was afraid i would have to do that part again but luckily it was ok.
overall i hope i never have to get another one of those again ever.


It feels wierd

the only other time i have been in the hospital was when i had isa. well, i am getting a bit ahead of myself.

when i went for my prenatal checkup last week my midwife said she thought she heard and irregular heart beat and referred me to winston for a more detailed ultrasound. i didn't really freak out or anything. i figured i would go down and get the ultrasound and they would tell me that they didn't know what she heard and that i had nothing to worry about. kind of weird for me since i freak out about pretty much everything.

well, i got there and they did the ultrasound for about 45-60 minutes. i got a couple cute 3d pictures of the baby and then they told me to wait for the dr. i still wasn't alarmed at this point. when the dr came in she gave me another ultrasound for about 30 minutes and then the fun began.

they found several "abnormalities" in the baby's heartbeat and brain. then i freaked. i wasn't ready for anything like that. i wont go into a lot of detail because even the part i understand is confusing. they sent me straight to the hospital so they could monitor baby for 24 hours. i had a ton of ultrasounds yesterday and my room was full of doctors for about 4 hours. they ended up taking me off the fetal heartbeat monitor after a little while because the heartbeat is so weird that the machine couldn't read it. about every 2 hours a nurse has t come in and listen manually. the good news is that the irregular heartbeat doesn't seem to be negatively affecting the baby in any other ways.

several downers to the situation are that i will need to drive back to winston (1.5 hr) twice a week for ultrasounds to make sure that the baby's heart stays fine. they had to give me steroid shots to develop the baby's lung in case i have to deliver early. they hurt. also, i wont find out about the brain abnormalities until next week when they do an MRI. i hate waiting.

overall a very stressful and exhausting half a day. hopefully i will be out of here and back home this evening but i have to wait and see what they found from all the test yesterday. fun.


nothing much is happening for me but i can't stand to see that old date at the top. i have been getting bigger every day and can't wait to get this baby out. i am in no hurry to have two kids but i feel so uncomfortable that i am getting over that.

we are having a fun long weekend this weekend hanging out with friends in Charlotte. it is nice to see them but it feels painfully hot to me. we are bout to go to the pool which i am very excited about. josh, justin, quentin and lauren are going to the counting crows concert tonight. isa and i can't do the long nights anymore. it should be fun for them though.

i had a great baby shower thrown by my sister katie. she is an amazing cook and the food was soooooooo good. we ended up getting just about everything we needed for the baby. it was really fun. i would post pictures but someone already did.

isa is talking now and i can't think.


It's There

So i feel way bigger then i look in this picture but it gives you the idea. i still just look like i am getting fat in some outfits. i am trying to wear more maternity clothes to avoid confusion. i did have several people still say they couldn't tell i was pregnant though. a feel bigger now then i did when i went into labor with isa. josh swears i am not but he kind of has to.



I just checked my blog and saw my ticker. i am under 100 days left. i can't believe that i am almost 26 weeks pregnant. weird.


just want to sleep

I wonder how my body can be so tired but my brain can't stop. sometimes i wish i was like data on star trek and could just push a button on my neck that shut me down to sleep. my whole body is exhausted. i mean if i was my body i would be exhausted from just trying to circulate blood through my pregnant duck body. it seems mean that when your muscles are tired and you are trying to rest them they ache. um, hello that keeps me awake. what gives?


several things

first, i went to the dr today. isa came with me because it is the same midwife that delivered her and they wanted to see each other. isa thought it was really cool when they drew my blood and made sure i was ok and that the band aid was sticking ok. then she helped the midwife by finding the baby's heart beat. the baby even tried to run away but isa chased her and never lost the heart beat. she also measured my stomach. all in all she loved it. she told me she wants to be a dr when she grows up.

if you haven't seen the finale to top chef don't continue reading!

second, LISA LOST!!!! i am so excited that lisa lost top chef. i told josh i wont ever watch it again if lisa won. i am a little sad for richard but i am pretty sure i would have been sad for stephanie too. i really liked them both. i am a little more excited that stephanie won though since she is the first girl to ever win. Girl Power! and not the creepy lesbian kind.



so as many of you know i used to spend quite a bit of time playing harry potter trivia on facebook. my brother was trying to catch up with me but quickly realized i was wasting much more time then him and that there was no way to catch me.

with the move and being sick and all i haven't had the chance to play much in the last few months. well, i am sad to say that i just checked my rank. i am no longer in the top 100 players. i am now ranked 101 out of 239603. sad day. granted it will only be like that for a while. anyone who knows me knows i can't leave it like that, so in a bout five minutes i plan to rectify the situation.


an early day

well, it was for us anyway. my baby turned 5 yesterday. i still can't believe it. she is so big. i felt sick all day yesterday and thinking that i had been in labor 5 years ago didn't help.

we had an ultrasound yesterday and that is why we had to get up early. the Dr office was 40 minutes away and the appointment was at 8:45. we were all tired. Isa was a little out of control. we had to wait for the Dr forever. if i didn't need the ultrasound i would have left. i still have the previa which isn't very fun. i have my next ultrasound in august and we will find out then if i need a c-section.

we also found out that we are having..........................................

a GIRL!!!!

Isa is very excited. it was a great birthday present for her. i would post pictures except that ultrasound machine the Dr used was super old and you can't really tell what anything is. they are actually pretty scary looking. i was disappointed.

it occurred to me that everyone i know who is pregnant is having a girl. the dating pool for these girls is going to be really shallow. poor things.


Not Much

i don't really have anything exciting to post about. we got to nc smoothly. isa did great in the truck. much better then me. she is very excited to be here with her grandparents and aunts and uncles. she loves being near family. she did have some trouble on sunday when she realized that her friends from utah weren't gong to be there. she made it through ok though.

i must say that i really miss my byu 140th ward. it has really been an adjustment. we go many days without seeing anyone but my parents. in our Utah apartment we saw friends every day. i'm pretty sad about it.

the baby is moving constantly now days. i am really excited about being over half way through my pregnancy. i have to make every day count with isa since it wont just be the two of us soon. (yes i remember josh). isa is getting more excited every day. we should be getting another ultrasound on isa's birthday so we will have more pictures to post then. it still wont move for isa yet but josh got to feel it move last week which he loved.

i finally got everything in a place today. it is really hard to get everything moved in when you aren't really supposed to be doing anything. i keep telling myself that is why it took so long to do. anything to make yourself feel better right?


It Finally Happened

I knew it would happen eventually. i was just hoping it would take a little longer. i outgrew my last pair of regular jeans yesterday. i guess it is to be expected since i am half way through the second trimester and everything but it still sucks.

What is worse is i still don't even look pregnant. just fat. i had josh try and take a picture of my "belly" the other day but even though i can totally see it you couldn't really tell in the picture. also, i still have previa and am on light bed rest. yuck! it really makes packing hard. the perk to the previa is that i get to have another ultrasound, which i love. it makes it seem more real.


I Was Told To

I was recently told by someone that i need to do a post. Not just any post but a "cute" post. i took that to mean either a post about the baby or isa. well, isa, has been less than charming lately so rather than air my grievences against her i have opted to post a picture of the baby.
This is from me second ultrasound that was done at ~13.75 weeks. I really have no idea how far along i am. i only know that i have a two week period that i could deliver. i am not happy about that because now i feel like i am having a 42 week pregnancy. anyway, i like this picture beause it looks like that baby is waving at us. when they were actually doing the ultrasound you could see the hands moving. it was dancing up a storm in there too. kicking like crazy. Isabella didn't like ultrasounds either. she would kick the little sensor thing off. i couldn't feel it though. still a bit to early.


The Science of Covering a Beatles Song

Josh has started watching American Idol (occasionally). this week they did Lennon/McCartney songs. I had serious problems with this. maybe because my sister and i were/are pretty obsessed with the Beatles. Maybe it's because American Idol singer suck. i don't know for sure. either way i was appalled with the song tonight. here is why:

when you cover a Beatles song you are messing with a beast. you can't do exactly what they did. if you did why cover it. however you can't totally change it either. it is like repainting the Mona Lisa but giving her a beard and piercing her nose. you just don't do it. it quite frankly turned my stomach.

overall very disappointing. i'm not sure what they were thinking. maybe they thought it was a good way to weed people out. if so they are smarter then i thought.


At least that is what they say it is

After drinking 32 oz of water and being in severe pain since i wasn't aloud to pee for two hours after drinking said water we got this picture of our peanut. Isabella thought it was really cool. i wanted to have a little more time to talk to her about it while the technician was actually doing the ultrasound but i was in to much pain and just needed him to finish. josh talked to her though and she keeps looking at the picture. she told me while we had some after bath cuddles this evening that she thought the picture is "wonderful". i am glad she is so excited.

the bad news. it looks like i am about 1.5 weeks behind what they originally thought. which means i have to live two weeks of my pregnancy again. not fun.

the good news. there is only one. yay!!


A Little Survey

Do you say:

Shoes and socks.


Socks and shoes.