sometimes i feel like i'm walking backward. like the wind is blowing in my face and no matter how determined i am to go forward when i start, eventually the wind pushes me back.

part of me wonders why i even go. if i just stood still, and went nowhere, no body would die. maybe. if i wasn't moving then maybe the hits wouldn't feel so hard. the only problem is, no body would get anywhere. and i have responsibilities.

i feel like most people would describe me as paranoid. but sometimes my nightmares are real. all too real.


In My Spare Time

i found this website on another blog. http://knockoffwood.blogspot.com/ is totally amazing! i love looking through all the plans and imagining what they would look like in my house. so with all this extra time on my hands i decided to build something. the only problem is i don't really have any tools. so i bought a circular saw. i know, what was i thinking? it's a pretty powerful tool and can do some serious damage to wood and me. it freaks me out. i always heard "measure twice, cut once". well, i measured like 4 times and cut once. i cut wrong. a lot. i figured a little bit here and there wouldn't make a huge difference right? wrong. i will be getting my wood cut for me in the future.

here is most of my lumber. still some trim to go.

so, i live in an apartment. not a tiny one but definitely not one with building room in it. so after josh left my kitchen turned into my "shop". it was very stressful. it turns out there are many other little tools i needed to make the job easier. like clamps to hold the wood while i glued and hammered. i was definitely working up a sweat. i started at 9:30am with a therapist coming at 11:30. plenty of time right? not with a baby crawling all over your construction area. there was a lot of yelling and one very black and blue finger. i have never blackened a finger before and am still not sure how i did it with only 6 inches of hammer space but what can i say, I'm gifted. it got a little tricky to hold the nails with my hurt finger but there was no way i was stopping. part of the way through josh called. em wasn't happy that i was talking to him and crawled over and puked right on my bookshelf! on purpose. she looked right at me after as if to say "that will teach you"! i finished the bare bones construction just as the therapist arrived.

here it is raw.

they i started to cry a little. it looked horrible and was even more rickety. i had just wasted some much time and money on a bookshelf that was supposed to be better then one i could get cheap at the store and i had failed. luckily ii was to weak to do what i wanted to with it (which was pound it into a million little pieces). after letting it sit for a while i had another look. i guess it was because of the glue setting and such but it is a lot more sturdy now. i also met my best friend. wood filler. i was able to fill in the 1/4 inches here and there where my cutting skills lacked. after a little sanding i felt a lot better.

i decided to let Isa pick the paint since it was her bookshelf. little did i know she had such...interesting taste in paint. after several break downs on both out parts we settled on these colors. I'm not sure if you can tell but the shelves and side are "Ariel's Song" and the trim is "Underwater Dance". cute if i do say so myself. i couldn't paint with em around so after the girls went to bed i painted up a storm. it needed two coats so it took a while. totally worth it when i saw Isa's excitement this morning. she told me i could put it in her room and put the books on it but that "she had some ideas of her own for decorating it".

i have enough lumber for one for em too but i have to let my finger heal first. i hate leaving projects half finished but one is about all i can handle right now.


My Weekend "Break"

so allergy season is in full swing here in denton. lucky for me i don't seem to have them. this year. sadly for isa, em and josh they all have a terrible case. even on her zyrtek em was super congested. isa was too but for her it isn't a huge deal. i can just give her nose spray and she can handle it. em is a different story. when she get super congested she can't clear it out. she doesn't cough well and if she does, she pukes about half the time. this problem leads to other more severe ones.

two not feeling so good girls cuddling.

on saturday she woke up burning up. when i took her temporal temp it said 100 so i gave her Motrin and went back to bed. i am kicking myself now and should have trusted my instincts. later that day i decided to check her temp rectally. poor thing. she didn't feel very hot to me but i took it anyway. 104.6. i can only imagine what her temp was during the night.

since this isn't my first rodeo i packed several days worth of feeding supplies, clothes and things to keep em busy. she isn't very easy to keep in the hospital. she wasn't to be up and playing but she can't get on the floor there. YUCKY. so within a few minutes i was off to the ER. we got checked in quickly. they saw us quickly and ordered and completed the test quickly. then everything stopped. several major cases came in and there were police involved. i tried to stay out of the way yet still make sure they knew we were still there.

em got REALLY bored.

5 hours later they came back to tell my she had pneumonia. really?!? i had no idea! they had already put an IV in since we were pretty sure she would have to be admitted and we needed blood anyway. i was fully prepared to beg for us to go home, have me flush the IV and come back the next day for her next dose of antibiotics. luckily i didn't have to grovel because the dr on call for my pediatrician thought her vitals were good enough to get a dose int eh ER and then a z-pack and home. the ER doc said if i was more comfortable with staying though... i didn't let him finish. i tel him know i would very much like to go home.

another hour later they finally came to discharge us. when the nurse started chatting with me about em's syndrome and such i wanted to scream "I HAVE BEEN HERE FOR 6 HOURS WITH A 18 MONTH OLD. I WANT TO GO HOME!!!!" she was really curious about em's hearing loss though because her son also has some hearing loss so i couldn't yell at her. so after a little bit longer i finally got out of there.

em seems to be doing well. the only thing that has me worried is the fact that the spot on her lung is the same spot that was there a month ago. she was on antibiotics then so i am wondering why it wont be gong away. maybe some scaring. we'll see what her pediatrician says next week. she is tolerating her breathing treatments well. we scored a pedantic breathing mask from the ER. pediatric anything is really hard to get your hands on.

i am sooooooo glad we didn't have to stay in the hospital over night. it just feels gross.

on a cute side note. em has decided her new all time favorite movie is Enchanted. i though it was a bit weird since it is mostly. real people through the movie and not much animation but either way, she loves it. she will only hold still for her breathing treatments if we watch it. she even fussed at me for talking to josh through her favorite musical number. silly girl. me i mean.