A Much Needed Update

so i actually feel like i have real information about the baby for the first time in three weeks so i figured i would post it.

the baby still has an irregular heart beat but everything else seems to be developing fine. since it isn't affecting anything physically the doctors think that she will probably grow out of it but they recommend she have at least one EKG after delivery to be sure.

The part of the brain the doctors were originally concerned about (the cerebellum) looks fine after the MRI. that means the baby doesn't have Dandy Walker like we were told originally. they did find however that the baby's left ventricle in the brain is enlarged. this could be nothing but if the swelling continues they might need to drain it. we wont know about that part until they do the follow up MRI on the baby after delivery. apparently she moved too much in the first one and after she is born they can sedate her so they can get a clear picture. i am not thrilled about knocking my baby out when she is that little but if it helps them treat her then i will just have to deal.

overall i am really sick of having people look at my baby. it seems like the more they looked at her the more they found "might" be wrong with her. i am really glad that the serious stuff seems to be working itself out. it is weird. if someone told me a month ago i would be excited about brain swelling i would have told them they were crazy but it doesn't seem like such a big deal now. one of the doctors consulting on my case actually has the same thing.

i have been a little nervous because a pediatrician i have never met was getting to decide whether or not i could deliver in Winston or Lenoir. we finally got all my records back to my midwife and she sent them to the pediatrician who said he thought everything looks fine to deliver in Lenoir. so in the end it looks like i can deliver with my midwife in Lenoir. YAY! also they might be able to do the MRI on the baby in Lenoir after delivery which would be great. that way i wont have to drive to Winston with a newborn and while i still feel like crap and josh is working two jobs. another thing was that i had to get in touch with the pediatrician i chose up here and tell him about the baby and see if he was OK still treating her. i talked to him today and he said everything was fine so i am glad i didn't have to find a pediatrician in Winston. i really love this pediatrician so am extra excited about this.

i tell you, if they were trying to stress me into labor they did a really really good job. i finally feel like i can breath a little bit though. i do still have three doctor appointments next Thursday but they are mostly follow ups and treatment plan stuff so that is not so bad.

for those of you who are bored and/or overloaded with all this information here is a little reward. since i have had to get like 20 ultrasounds i have gotten some cute 3D/4D pictures. the Dr even managed to get her smiling a little bit in one. her hand is up in the first one and she is face down in the second one so we could only get the side of her face but it is still pretty cool.


I'm Going

First off i would like to thank everyone who has left me supportive comments and such. It really helped me. that being said here is the situation. i have reached saturation point. well, i think i reached it about a week and a half ago. so i have decided to shut down a bit. i therefore am asking everyone to not try and ask me or talk to me about anything pertaining to my pregnancy. this includes the question "so how are you doing/feeling?" or "i am here if you want/need to talk." this may seem selfish, mean or self destructive but to be honest at this point i really don't care. since i have to make it through this i have decided to do it the only way i can at this point. total disconnection from my emotions and reality until i can't stand it anymore and then a private sob fest followed by another disconnect.
some mental health red flags might be going off for some of you. ignore the urges to "help me". i am well aware that this isn't the "healthiest" way to deal with this situation but this is how it is going to go down. if some of you think you are exempt from this and think you don't need to follow my request i will just say "THIS DOES MEAN YOU!" thanks.


Don't Get Excited

this is not a post giving any "real" update on the pregnancy. i will say that i went and got a fetal MRI today. it was really hard. first i had no idea where i was going or where i could park so i left early and ended up getting there and hour early and finding that they had a special parking lot for MRI patients. I would rather be early then late so that didn't bother me too much.
i had to wait a while because one of the machines was being serviced. everyone was really nice though. they told me i would be going into the machine feet first since it was fetal so i thought it wouldn't be to bad.
granted i could still see out the top but i had to go in way to deep. i thought my nose was going to touch the top it was so tight. my procedure lasted an hour. i wish they had a clock mounted in there since you can't wear a watch. i couldn't even do my deep breathing because it made me move too much. it is also super loud so i couldn't doze off because every time i did it would bang and make me jump. in the end they told me to breath shallow and i thought "i can barely breath as it is" i was afraid i would have to do that part again but luckily it was ok.
overall i hope i never have to get another one of those again ever.


It feels wierd

the only other time i have been in the hospital was when i had isa. well, i am getting a bit ahead of myself.

when i went for my prenatal checkup last week my midwife said she thought she heard and irregular heart beat and referred me to winston for a more detailed ultrasound. i didn't really freak out or anything. i figured i would go down and get the ultrasound and they would tell me that they didn't know what she heard and that i had nothing to worry about. kind of weird for me since i freak out about pretty much everything.

well, i got there and they did the ultrasound for about 45-60 minutes. i got a couple cute 3d pictures of the baby and then they told me to wait for the dr. i still wasn't alarmed at this point. when the dr came in she gave me another ultrasound for about 30 minutes and then the fun began.

they found several "abnormalities" in the baby's heartbeat and brain. then i freaked. i wasn't ready for anything like that. i wont go into a lot of detail because even the part i understand is confusing. they sent me straight to the hospital so they could monitor baby for 24 hours. i had a ton of ultrasounds yesterday and my room was full of doctors for about 4 hours. they ended up taking me off the fetal heartbeat monitor after a little while because the heartbeat is so weird that the machine couldn't read it. about every 2 hours a nurse has t come in and listen manually. the good news is that the irregular heartbeat doesn't seem to be negatively affecting the baby in any other ways.

several downers to the situation are that i will need to drive back to winston (1.5 hr) twice a week for ultrasounds to make sure that the baby's heart stays fine. they had to give me steroid shots to develop the baby's lung in case i have to deliver early. they hurt. also, i wont find out about the brain abnormalities until next week when they do an MRI. i hate waiting.

overall a very stressful and exhausting half a day. hopefully i will be out of here and back home this evening but i have to wait and see what they found from all the test yesterday. fun.