The Gasp That Never Came

some people say I focus on the negative. I say i am preparing for the worst case scenario. Either way it has made me a nervous wreck. well, probably not just that. usually i can worry about all the bad things that are going to happen because my anxiety level is "manageable" so the worry doesn't push me over whatever edge i am near. There are alot of new stresses in dear old Texas that keep my anxiety at an all new high. so along with the worry just call me CRAZY!

well, i was talking to em's PT today about this being a "test" winter for her to see if she will be able to go to the public school preschool to get therapy after she graduates from ECI. I told her that we are hoping that with her tonsils and adenoids out she wont get pneumonia so much (she had it 4 times last year). She has really come very far since her tonsils were taken out. it is really amazing. no one expected such a drastic turn around. she had her first night since two weeks old without supplemental O2 the night right after surgery.

before the surgery she was a VERY loud sleeper. she would snore a lot. in the month or two leading up to the surgery it got progressively worse. as she got cold after pneumonia after cold after flu etc.. in the week before the surgery i had to sleep on the couch. they were working her in as quickly as possible but it had gotten to where as soon as she fell asleep she would quit breathing. her O2 levels hovered around the 60-70 range as she would dose off and then wake gasping for air only to fall right back to sleep from sheer exhaustion. it was unbearable to listen to. josh kindly slept in the room with her taking care of her as best he could while i lay on the couch listening to the alarm go off again, and again. it was heart breaking.

when i brought her home i still lay there listening until late into the night. just listening. to the nothing. i got up several times to make sure she was still breathing. after all up until now the gasp let me know she was still alive. if only just, sometimes.

i have often toy with the idea of writing a book about all this. but lets be serious. who wants to read a book where the person is still bitter and jaded? no one, that's who. so i have decided it would probably be better to wait until i might actually have something to say that people might want to hear. i even came up with a title that will get peoples attention but not really mean what they think it means. it makes me smile, knowing how hard we worked to accomplish it. The Gasp That Never Came.