I Just Don't Think I Can Do It

I am in trouble. The legal kind. I signed a contract that I don't think I can fulfill. I agreed that if Josh read all the Harry Potter book and watched all the movies and then discussed them in detail with me we could have a weekend away from the kids. Both of us haven't spent the night away from the girls since Emmeline was born. 3.5 long years. Sounds like a good deal right? Here is my problem. I'm not sure I can watch the last 3 movies.

I REALLY love Harry Potter. I know that is no surprise to any of you.

I have a very hard time mentally separating myself from the story. This will make the movie watching problematic on two fronts. 1) No matter how well they recreate the books it wont be good enough. 2) When the last movie ends it's really over.

Movie 4 was the turning point for me. I realized there was no way they could fulfill my fantasy. No way they could recreate the magical world I had spent years and years imagining in my head. It was disappointing to say the least. I tried very hard to separate the Harry Potter books form the movies about a bot named Harry Potter. It's like someone taking something you know pretty much everything about and having them tell other people about it with only 70% accuracy. So very frustrating.

The last 2 book were filled with the most emotion for me. I knew if things didn't happen soon they wouldn't happen. I was torn with certain plot points Rowling chose to expand on and the ones she left sadly untold. I grew to resent some characters and fall madly in love with others. My imagination and emotions ran wild as I went with the characters on their amazing adventures. It was so liberating. Then, I read the last page of their story. The end of my liberation came. Character's were developed as much as they were going to be and I was left wanting more. Some would say that is what makes a good story. I disagree. I like things to be resolved and wrapped up with a pretty bow. I know that sounds boring. If it doesn't happen though I worry. Yes I am aware that I am worrying about people who aren't real. In my imagination they are very real though.
Yes I have read all the book multiple times and I know how everything ends. But once I watch that last movie, it's really, really over. There are no more surprises. No more suspense. No more hoping "maybe they'll get this one right". I just have to take what is there and accept it. Accept the fantasy that will never be brought to life. I just don't think I can do it.



I used to be a mom on the go. Isa and I would go somewhere every day. Whether it was the park, library or the children's playhouse we were girls on the move. I have so much adorable video of Isabella at those places. Talking in her cute little girl voice. Playing with other kids and everything.
Most of my video of Emmeline is in our house. Because, well, that is where we are most of the time. She isn't talking in a cute little girl voice or playing with other kids. She is usually doing something that we have spent weeks teaching her. It's not so much a record of her life but mine. A record of what I have done for the last 3 and a half years. I know that might sound self absorbed and that isn't how I mean it. I know she is really the one doing all the work but being her support staff is intense and exhausting. I go everywhere with her. I am at every appointment and therapy session. Cheering for her when she completes a task or trying to convince her that the task is indeed worth her while. She has a strong will that works for and against her. Mostly for her and against everyone else but that is how she got this far.
My goal for this year is to make her exist in our family as herself. I get stuck seeing her as an endless appointment. In my mind her life is comprised of all the things she needs to do to reach the average. Fix that, learn this, go here, not there, fight, fight and fight some more. The person she actually is is in there somewhere and I'm going to find her. Not to say she doesn't exist to herself or others. This is purely in how I see and treat her. How she exists inside of me. Soon she will not be the medical oddities I see but the spunky Harris/Perkins she is.

And then we will go.


My Best Intentions

Occasionally I try to be a good normal mom. On Tuesday I decided to take the girls to the park before Emmeline's 3pm PT appointment. It was just such a nice day out and since Emmeline doesn't really get a good workout in PT it seemed like a good plan. All was well for the first 30 minutes and then she fell. I was prepared for it. Heck, her lack of balance in high places was one of my big fighting points for school PT. Well, her lack of balance in any place really. When she falls she fall big. Emmeline was on the top platform for the big slide and stopped to look at the pole for the big kids to slide down. She had no idea she was falling until she hit the ground. There was no way I could get to her and the thud she made still makes me feel a little queasy. I ran to her and stupidly picked her up and tried to comfort her. A lot of times when she falls she likes to be pressed close to me so she can tell she is no longer falling with multiple senses. In hind sight if she had really been hurt I would have made the damage so much worse.
About the time I picked her up Isa caught up to us. I hadn't even looked at Emmeline's face since I was holding her to tight so I hadn't noticed she was bleeding. Isa yelled that blood was coming from her mouth so we ran into the apartment office because it was the closest bathroom to the park. In the end the mulch had stabbed her in the gums and scraped them a bit but the bleeding stopped quickly. I was starting to calm a bit at this point so i did a quick once over of her extremities and head. She seemed OK so I went the next step and had her walk to me. wobbly but normal. We still had PT in 15 minutes and I am sad to say for a moment I thought about keeping the appointment. I canceled.
I am so glad that my favorite nurse Mandy was working when I called Emmeline's doctor. The second she heard the intake nurse say her name she got right on the phone with me to see how Emmeline was doing. In the end her doctor wanted us to go to the ER and get x-rays. when we pulled up I saw the wait time display and was a little bummed that it was 45 minutes. Good and bad but when someone falls from 2 times their height they are a "major trauma" and get bumped to the front of everyone! Yay for us! I think.

So the came and slapped one of these beauties on her. Yeah she loved that. You can tell right?

I think what made her the the most mad (at this point) was that they made it hard to keep her glasses on straight.

Shortly they came and got her for a CT scan and what ended up being 11 x-rays! I had to physically restrain her for an hour. Now, Emmeline is one tough cookie. She can handle needles, suction, cuts, scrapes, bumps, you name it but if you take away her right to move, you have taken away your right to live. She was SUPER mad. I felt terrible and I wish the radiology Technician had made more of a plan on the order of what they wanted to do before the started but hey, their job not mine. Isa was really good and waited the whole hour all alone in the ER room.

In the end we were diagnosed with a "funny" looking elbow and she was put in a sling and told to follow up with her Orthopedist in a week. If she looks distracted it's because, thankfully, all ER rooms at our local hospital come with in room TVs. Life saver when you are there with 2 small children.

It was probably good that her falling reflex is so slow otherwise we would have ended up with some nasty breaks from putting her arms out. Side note I am following up with a Chiropractor to determine what "funny"means. Isa was AMAZING and so worried about her sister. She is a little nervous to go back to the park now but I told her not to worry, that kids get hurt all the time, it's just part of growing up. She is such a sweet heart.