What Happens When Em Abuses Me and Isa Asks Sweetly

So Emmeline has been beyond terrible two's lately. She cries and screams for me and then when I come to her she hits and kicks me. I find the VERY overstimulating. It's like auditory torture for the first part and then physical for the next. All my senses hit overload. She wont have josh or Isa unless I'm not here and she has checked every room of the house for me. I went to the store the day before yesterday and she screamed herself hoarse. I had to get out of there. I'm sure the other patrons at the store thought I was in am abusive relationship with the way I looked and moped through the store. well, I guess I am. Ii just can't tell people about it without sounding like a wuss. "Yeah, my 2 year old is abusive". "No, really".

Let's just add that I have perfected "angry eating". I am normally very strict about what I eat. especially now that I can't workout. not anymore. After a day of "not good enough" by her majesty I look forward to having some Reese's whatever is in my bowl, and cabinet and closet. I have more candy then regular food storage. I imagine yelling at her that there is nothing wrong with my "food" and if she wont eat it then I will! Totally mentally stable right? Yeah...I know.

Anyway, Isa wanted a pumpkin pie. She hugged me and smiled so sweetly, so...she got one. I'd make her ten if she wanted them. Just to thank her. For being her. And to "angry eat" later of course.

I should have also taken this one in the dining room. Those had a much better pumpkin color. Either way, "angry eating" here I come.


The Pinch

So, I learned alot from my friend Jessika. One of the most important was to take my health very seriously. Today I did something I haven't done in 2.5 years. I know, too long. Anyway. I got my cervix pinched. Of course that isn't what it's really called but that is totally what they do. I mean if they called it a cervix pinching text who would get one? Not this girl. I think a dude named it. Not that PAP smear is much better. But at least it doesn't sound painful. Which it is. For hours. On the up side I have a doctor now. For Me. I wont get the results for a few weeks but I already feel better. Even though it took two hours at the office it was nice to be doing something for me, alone. Plus it gave me a jump start on the book for book club next month. (my pick).



After we got he news about Em's ASD i started telling people she would need surgery. i let doctors, friends and family know. after telling people all day josh made a comment that i have often wondered about. it was along the lines that he would rather not plan of her having surgery but hope that the hole might still close. i took that as faith that the hole would close. maybe that wasn't what he meant but it got me thinking.

does planning for the thing that looks like it is going to happen as opposed to what you want to have happen mean you have a lack of faith?

i have wicked bad anxiety, especially about decision making. so it is really hard for me to differentiate between anxiety and inspiration. usually i just try and cover my bases if it has to do with health and safety and just do it either way.
what if i just went with the hole closing on it's own and then we need surgery and i am totally unprepared? i realize it probably shouldn't be one way or the other but when it comes to decisions that's how i roll. i always think of the line from Say Anything where the girl says she always assumes the worst will happen so when it doesn't she is pleasantly surprised. that's me to a tea.

so do i wish the hole would close alone? yes, very much. would i go with that and not get ready for it? nope. so maybe i am lacking faith. faith that the hole will be gone next time we check. however, i do have faith that i am doing EVERYTHING i can do keep this kiddo alive and i'll take all the help i can get.

don't get me wrong. i'm not arguing semantics or anything. just pondering.


My New Catch Phrase

Most people know I really, really hate stupid people. Now, that doesn't mean I don't like people who didn't get an education. Although I only like them in moderation. The people I am talking about are the people who think rules don't apply to them, don't use common sense and don't think before they speak, among other things. I just have to patience for those who know better.

Those that read my blog know Emmeline's medical situation is complicated at best. Her cardiologist said absolutely no nursery at church until after her surgery. Well, that pretty much means never. By the time we get the ASD repaired she will go into older classes anyway. That being said, the decision about nursery is totally up to me and Josh. There are a few other people I would let know our decision and maybe at listen to theirs.
Anyway, I was approached by someone who doesn't fall on either group. Emmeline was eating a snack as he waled up. This is how it went down. (what I wish I said is in parenthesis).

him: Those look like yummy snacks.
me: Yep she really likes them.
him: You know where else they have really yummy snacks...nursery.
me: (UM WHAT!!???) Yeah I bet they do.
him: So, [at Emmeline] are you ready to go to nursery?
me: Smiling (I want to kick you and then slam your head into the wall)
him: Or should I be asking if mommy is ready to let you go into nursery?
me: (screw it you are a dead man). Smaller smile.
him:[turning to me with a judgmental smile] So are you?
me: [trying to keep my tone level]. I never had a problem "letting" her go to nursery, she loves it. But her cardiologist said she can't go until her heart is repaired so she doesn't die. [this was followed by the "Say something now B*^&%" stare].
him: Fumbling about how he had something to do. (a little to late).

Sadly I was so taken aback by this encounter so i couldn't properly make him feel as dumb as he sounded and deserved. I'm sure I'll get another chance though.

When it comes to picking up Isabella from school I either leave so I get there 30 minutes before school gets out to be first in line or when school has been out for 10 minutes so the line is already moving. This way I can't see the line cutters, and there always are some. Well, Em has been sleeping later so I ended up doing the latter. I thought I was safe. I guess my hopes were too high. There is a lot of stopping and going as they feed cars into the line to get you kid loaded into your car. Some people, (including me) don't like it so we wait until there is a little space and then pull up. That way there isn't all that silly brake tapping. Well, the guy behind me didn't like that and when the gap went past him, he cut across the other lane of traffic, onto the playground and u-turned and passed 25 cars!! Um hello! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!!!!! I hate you! And all the little children do too!
What kills me is they felt totally justified in doing that. Where are you from?! I think I am just going to start checking Isabella out of school everyday through the front office since these parents have no self control.

I am generally able to bottle up my rage like every healthy person should but when it comes to people like this I have come up with my new favorite catch phrase. I find it is applicable in so many situations and would help society quite a bit.

They should be put down.


Isa's Valentine Party

Even though em's doctors would probably frown about it, we went to isa's school party. There are some things where i demand to be normal. anyway, it was pretty fun. really crazy since it is just one big sugar eating fest. i managed to remember my camera for the first time ever. this apparently made me look like a pro because the classroom mom roped me into taking head shots of all the kids for the teachers end of the year present. i thought it wouldn't be so bad and i could get most of their pics that day but most of them had stained teeth or a ring around their mouths from eating so much candy so that was out. not sure when I'll be able to get them without the teacher catching on but we will see.

Isa and Mik

Isa ans her very best friend

Class shot!

Silly class shot. we had to remind them that they could be silly but to make sure they weren't hurting their neighbor!


A New Friend?

So, Emmeline is FAR from being ready to potty train. she has no idea what we are doing when we go to the bathroom, can't even approximate the word potty, and doesn't care when she is wet or dirty. however, i have begun to realize with this kid that she makes me do something for about 6 months before she will pay attention to me about it. it's like she is waiting to see if I'm serious about it or not. so...we gto a potty. I think it's cute.

Emmeline not so much.

going to Isa for protection

finally warming up to what i can only assume she thinks is a new chair.

we have tried sitting on it several times a day since we go tit and she humors me. it's extra tricky to teach em to pee in the potty because the child barely pees since we keep her on the verge of being dehydrated in hopes it will make her thirsty enough to drink by mouth. maybe this summer. either way it's cute. that's all that matters right?



i have been in a real funk. death is never an easy thing. the circumstances in this case make it even harder for me. i find myself bursting into tears of rage and anger. the kids keep looking at me weird. the tears keep coming, and coming. lucky i havn't burst into tears in front of a total stranger yet but it has only been two days. i feel sick. physically. i can't seem to shake it. it's probably from stress but it stresses me out knowing if i would just calm down i wouldn't be sick. other people sad makes me sad, and there are a lot of sad people. music makes it worse. feelings make me uncomfortable. i have always had an easier time embracing my emotions though music. pretty much any emotion. that is not to say i have an easier time dealing with me emotions through music but i can at least figure out what they are. baby steps right? either way i stop. just stop and stare, several times a day. when it becomes to much.

many beautiful things have been said about jessika. i don't think i can top them or even come close. her family amazes me. she amazes me.


A Dozen Boogie Robots!

Isabella picked a really cute valentine this year for "us" to make. They ended up being really complicated and time consuming. of course. every time i looked at them i couldn't help but think of that line. Boogie!!!!

close up. those aluminum foil arms were the bane of my existence. and i had to make WAY more then 1 dozen.

this giant one is for her teacher.


Really, Really Ridiculously Good Looking

Taking pictures of emmeline is super hard. lets be honest, when her head hangs over to the side like she does it makes her look super disabled. That makes me sad and freaks me out a little bit. also, she is the WORST blinker in the world. the red eye reducer gets her almost all of the time. so, when i managed to get these shots, where her head isn't hanging to bad and her eyes were open (mostly) i knew i hit the jack pot.

Trying to act uninterested.

deciding if i am interesting enough to keep her attention.

Finally coaxing a smile

rubbing the flash from her eyes. hey, it hurts to keep them open. i had to trick her a little.

Oh yeah, i have that other kid. isabella has reached that stage where is is hard to get anything but a very posed picture or a scowl. lucky she was sucked into Word Girl so she didn't notice me.

Josh's fault

so... i have been collecting pictures to do a really cute post of emmeline and isa. josh stole them last night and posted them to his facebook before i got to post them to my blog. no, i hadn't waited a really long time to get them off the card either. so, if you want to see them i guess you should go to his facebook.



I HATE America's Funniest Videos!!!!!! the show consists of nothing but practical jokes, manipulation, crotch shots, and cruelty. Why do people think it is so funny to watch someone be afraid or hurt? josh and isa love it. they even call me over to see ones they say are "so funny". the one that sent me over the edge today though was one josh even rewound for me to see. it was a baby. very cute wide eyed little boy. his "mother" was winding a jack-in-the box. as the song progressed you could see the baby was getting upset. his breathing became faster, his eyes wider and his lip started to quiver. the "mother" kept going. until the jack-in-the box popped out and scared the baby, making him burst into tears of fear! all to be on AFV. WHY IS THIS FUNNY?!?!?!?! ( i put mother in "" because i sincerely hope it wasn't his real mother who did this). i find it really disturbing that people enjoy watching other people upset. I realize this makes me sound totally old and like i have no sense of humor. but anyone who knows me knows that isn't true. plus if i have to like this to have a sense of humor i think i'll pass.



So Isa called to me from her room this morning while i was feeding Em to tell me she threw up. great. emmeline hasn't been feeling well this week. she has been refusing to eat and waking up several times a night. she never got a fever and she only puked after she gagged while eating so we weren't sure what was wrong with her. well, she started to perk up yesterday morning but still wasn't eating great.
so...I am hoping the two aren't related because that would mean it's only a matter of time before i get it too. not only do i still remember last time we had a stomach bug but i really can't have any time off right now. emmeline is extra needy with me when she doesn't feel well.
as a matter of fact she freaks out several times a day at the very sight of josh until i introduce him to her as her dad and then she is all sweet. weird i know. anyway, here's hoping.
i have been intentionally avoiding foods i like today in case i puke them up later. i was thinking it would be a great diet strategy if i ate all the foods i love because then i wouldn't want to eat them for a while. i couldn't do it. i like food to much.