After we got he news about Em's ASD i started telling people she would need surgery. i let doctors, friends and family know. after telling people all day josh made a comment that i have often wondered about. it was along the lines that he would rather not plan of her having surgery but hope that the hole might still close. i took that as faith that the hole would close. maybe that wasn't what he meant but it got me thinking.

does planning for the thing that looks like it is going to happen as opposed to what you want to have happen mean you have a lack of faith?

i have wicked bad anxiety, especially about decision making. so it is really hard for me to differentiate between anxiety and inspiration. usually i just try and cover my bases if it has to do with health and safety and just do it either way.
what if i just went with the hole closing on it's own and then we need surgery and i am totally unprepared? i realize it probably shouldn't be one way or the other but when it comes to decisions that's how i roll. i always think of the line from Say Anything where the girl says she always assumes the worst will happen so when it doesn't she is pleasantly surprised. that's me to a tea.

so do i wish the hole would close alone? yes, very much. would i go with that and not get ready for it? nope. so maybe i am lacking faith. faith that the hole will be gone next time we check. however, i do have faith that i am doing EVERYTHING i can do keep this kiddo alive and i'll take all the help i can get.

don't get me wrong. i'm not arguing semantics or anything. just pondering.


Marianne said...

Yeah, faith's a tough subject. Here's how I see it. Faith doesn't mean blindly believing that something you want to happen WILL happen. Faith is doing your part to prepare for whatever will come your way, and accepting that what comes is what's meant to happen.

Take my brother, for example. My mother was just praying with all her might that his brain tumor would just shrink on its own. But it hasn't, and what faith means to all of us now, I think, is knowing that what's happening is supposed to happen. And that doing what you need to do to take care of the issue is what's required of you in return for your miracle. After all, if Em has surgery, and the surgery is successful, that would be a miracle in and of itself, wouldn't it? And if my brother gets all the treatment he's prescribed (which he's doing), and he's actually cured, then THAT is no small miracle.

You're quite amazing, Megan. I hope you know that. :)

Josh said...

I didn't mean that we shouldn't plan for surgery. And I don't think I meant it in a faith context. I just meant that I would prefer to keep saying "Em *might* need surgery" instead of "Em will need surgery." And since she might, we have an obligation to prepare (i.e. keeping her healthy, plumping her up, etc.).

Mary Ann said...

Faith is always most interesting to ponder in situations like this one where the rubber meets the road.

You're right to be prepared for anything that might happen, especially the bad stuff. It's responsible.