My life has been pretty good this year. No major illnesses/changes for Emmeline. Isa has really enjoyed homeschooling with me. Josh finished his last year of course work for school EVER. Sounds pretty good when I type it out. Which is why I was pretty surprised last night when I was hit with a ton of depression bricks. It hasn't hit me that suddenly in quite some time.
Everyone was right. I have spent the last 3.5 years saying "as soon as this happens, I'll be happy/OK". Well, it is happening...and I'm not OK. Well, not right now as least. Everyone said I needed to work on finding happiness now and not base it on some future event. I'm exhausted. My body and mind have gone into hibernation and waking them up seems like so much work and I don't have so much energy. Part of me doesn't even care. I am totally OK leaving myself here. I know, however, that eventually I wont be fine with it and by then it will only be harder. I'm just so tired of work. In taking care of others I let myself slip. It just seems so hard.
I have tried expanding my horizons. Trying and creating new things. I thought it was working but I think all it did was distract me while I was working and then when I'm done it seems even more difficult.
I just get so angry with myself because I see people who have what I would call more difficult situations then me yet I still wallow. I still can't snap out of it and actually live my life. How do these other super cool people do it? Do they have days where they stay in their PJs all day, or just burst into tears? I like to think so. Not to know they are in pain but to make myself feel less like a loser. The plain truth is that my life hurts. To me. It physically hurts my body to try and process my life "issues" and move on. So, I let out what ever overflow emotions wont stay behind my emotion "dam" as quickly as possible and then ignore the rest. It usually involves, tears, mucus and peanut butter. It hurts and leaves me with an emotion hangover. I hate hangovers. Thus why I try and wait as long as possible to let any emotions out. It's better for everyone right? Don't answer that. I know I'm delusional. Wait, can I know that? If I know it am I really? Let's just say, I know I'm dysfunctional. I am pretty sure I can know that and still have it. I'm sensing another hangover soon and I dread it.
2 comments:
I detested much of my time in the BYU wards because it took me so long to find "real" friends with "real" women/moms. It was Stepford and everyone was creepily happy and could do everything perfectly while caring for 5 perfect children. I knew that everyone had to have a bad day sometimes and it frustrated me that no one would admit it! You're not alone! ;) I wish away my present, too, especially on the hard days. A common question in our house is, "Is it 15 years from now yet?"
And even though you were depressed when you wrote this, you still had the ability to make me laugh, so you can't be THAT far gone!
I'm sorry, I couldn't quite hear you way up here on my huge pile of money. Do you mind if I send my maid around later to find out what you are going on about this time?
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