Just Hold It In

I Usually try to keep my sadness

Pent up inside where it can fester

quietly as mental illness

When I saw that quote a couple days ago I thought it pretty much explained me. And it does. Occasionally that sadness breaks through and comes out as yucky, slimy, puffy crying sessions. I try to have these sessions in private but sometimes they catch me by surprise. It feels like when I was pregnant and I got that feeling that I was about to puke and frantically searched for a private acceptable place to do this. But try as i might sometimes I can't get to that private place and I cry right there in the open. I hate it almost as much as the crying itself. In the end I just feel sick for hours. This only fuels my hatred for crying. It is totally useless. I feel worse after then before.

Emmeline apparently agrees with me. In her Pre-k classes they want her to be able to identify and happy person and a sad person by pictures. I didn't think this would be a problem. We had read plenty of stories where the main character gets upset and then there is a resolution. She seemed fine. Well, after one session of trying to teach her the signs for happy and sad she showed clear signs of distress. She responded fine to happiness but then if anyone was sad, hurt or crying she would give a nervous laugh and then try to change the task. After a few more attempts she would just plain cover her face a disengage from whatever we were doing until we had adequately convinced her we had moved on to happy people. I don't blame her. It's like being led by a blind person and she knows it. She wants nothing to do with those yucky tears and all the fluids that goes with them. Just hold it in mom. Be a pro.