Just Hold It In

I Usually try to keep my sadness

Pent up inside where it can fester

quietly as mental illness

When I saw that quote a couple days ago I thought it pretty much explained me. And it does. Occasionally that sadness breaks through and comes out as yucky, slimy, puffy crying sessions. I try to have these sessions in private but sometimes they catch me by surprise. It feels like when I was pregnant and I got that feeling that I was about to puke and frantically searched for a private acceptable place to do this. But try as i might sometimes I can't get to that private place and I cry right there in the open. I hate it almost as much as the crying itself. In the end I just feel sick for hours. This only fuels my hatred for crying. It is totally useless. I feel worse after then before.

Emmeline apparently agrees with me. In her Pre-k classes they want her to be able to identify and happy person and a sad person by pictures. I didn't think this would be a problem. We had read plenty of stories where the main character gets upset and then there is a resolution. She seemed fine. Well, after one session of trying to teach her the signs for happy and sad she showed clear signs of distress. She responded fine to happiness but then if anyone was sad, hurt or crying she would give a nervous laugh and then try to change the task. After a few more attempts she would just plain cover her face a disengage from whatever we were doing until we had adequately convinced her we had moved on to happy people. I don't blame her. It's like being led by a blind person and she knows it. She wants nothing to do with those yucky tears and all the fluids that goes with them. Just hold it in mom. Be a pro.

Why I Shouldn't Watch Current TV And I May Have Said Too Much

I am a bad parent when I watch current TV. Back when I got hooked on Lost I realized I was either ignoring Isa so I could watch or I was putting her to bed insanely early just so I wouldn't feel guilty about ignoring her while I watched. I of course failed and ended up feeling guilty anyway. So like a good adult I quit watching. It also helped that at that point I was totally fed up with the plot line/lines.

I just get so caught up in the story and have trouble detaching from the characters and was totally stressed while waiting the week to find out what happened. I would worry and fret and literally get sick to my stomach about it. I know this is far from normal or healthy but I am who I am.

I am once again having trouble detaching. Thanks to this guy.

I am totally smitten. The casting director for Parks and Recreation hit a home run for me on this one. Adam Scott is the perfect amount of nerdy, sensitive and manly in this character.

And the prep for me to say too much.

When Adam entered the show as Ben Wyatt they had him be pretty annoyingly bland. Even then I liked him. I realize this might say something about my taste in men but I like to think I could see his inner personality they were suppressing. Anyway, Even though I am not crazy about the main character Leslie (played by Amy Poehler) as a date-able person (meaning I don't see how anyone could find her attractive enough to date. Personality or looks) I was glad when they paired up her and Ben for a secret relationship. Of course the writers screwed that up for me and they "had" to break up for Leslie to run for City Council (she wasn't aloud to date co-workers, hence the secret relationship). This created an even bigger problem for me.

And now the too much.

I can't accurately fantasies about being in a relationship with Ben if he is single.

I know, it's weird. It is totally a part of my inability to detach that has created this sick little problem and as an adult I see that. Does it make me like Ben/Adam less? Um, no.

You would think I would be thrilled with the fact that they got Leslie and Ben back together in the last episode but I'm not. I know that too make good TV they have to be dramatic. It was WAY too easy to get them back together. I know they are just going to toy with me some more by creating a new bigger reason why they can't be together. Well, if they writers are any good they will. My only hope is that either the drama will bring Leslie and Ben even closer or that they will spin the drama too something else. My hopes aren't high.

There, now don't you wish I didn't have Hulu Plus?

A Little Itchy

For as long as I remember I have said I didn't like Christmas. Well, all the things that seem to go with it really. The silly sweaters, the gift pressure, especially the carols. Yuck. I was never sure why but they just made me feel gross. This seemed to changed slightly when I had kids old enough to look forward to it. When they get really excited I can't help but get excited with them. I slowly started to enjoy picking out gifts, putting up decorations, baking cuddling with a good Christmas book on the couch. The love for the carol has never come. Still yuck.

As an adult I think I have been able to figure out why I didn't like Christmas. I really love it. Since I really love it, it upsets me when it ends. Over they years this turned into me getting mad that it didn't last longer and pushing it away. I felt yucky and abandoned so I abandoned it. Very mature right? I know. Now that I have kids who love Christmas I remember all the fun stuff I did at Christmas and want to do it with them.

This doesn't fix my original problem though. Christmas is just too short. I know some stores started their Christmas stuff before Halloween but it isn't the same. Christmas doesn't start until my house is decorated. I am really itching to get my stuff out. Josh however doesn't like doing this until after Thanksgiving. I don't see the problem. You should show your thanks at Thanksgiving and I am showing I am thankful for Christmas. Seems like a win-win to me. Josh doesn't agree. We'll see.

A Little Seussy

Sometimes I wish

and hope and dream

Of things I want to Be

Not just in my head

But where everyone could see

Where the whole world could feel

my excitement and zeal

Not for an illusion

But for a world that is real

But today it's not there

Or it's to small to view

Not just for me

But also for you

There used to be energy

And sparkle and light

But now my poor heart feels

It's not worth the fight

The fight to stay here

In this cold empty place

Became only harder

By the look on my face

So my light got shut out

It could no longer stay

Not with my outlook so stormy and grey

The wood of my soul

Is too wet from the tears

And my life has become crippled

By all of my fears

So now

I try and work and fight

To dry that wood with all of my might

The work will be hard

The goal long to achieve

But I wont give up

I WILL SUCCEED!

One day in the future

My wood will burn bright

In hopes of helping others

To put up a fight

But the thing that I hope we all get to see

Is that I will be happy

As things happen to Be.

My Milestone!

At the beginning of this year I set a goal for myself. I wanted to revive my blog. I had never really totally ignored it but it like so many things had become neglected and that caused me to lose connection with people and things I enjoyed. So, I am happy to announce that this blog post is #64 this year!!! That is exactly double my previous annual post high of 32 in 2004 when Isabella was 1!! I have to say I am pretty proud of myself. I was going to do a post that tied into my very first post on this blog but I was lame and this was my first post "This is my first post". So lame.

So, I decided to check out my 32nd post in 2004. sadly it was about completing the 1/2 marathon in the distance challenge at Run for Your Life. I don't really run anymore. One, because I would have to push Emmeline's chunky but in the stroller and have Isa riding her bike which is still patchy. Two, because the weather here sucks so taking the girls out in it let alone motivating myself isn't the best scenario. Either way I am glad I was able to accomplish something this year even if it is just updating my blog for everyone to read. I am actually excited that I stuck with something that wasn't "needed" for our family to function. I feel like everything I do is just to maintain the family. But this blog was my self indulgent thing. The thing I did when I felt like I wasn't a real person but merely a caregiver. It kind of brought me back to the world outside of this apartment. Reminding me that the people I care about are still there and despite my neglect, they still cared about me!! YAY!! I'm not sure if I can do 120 posts next year but we will see!

The See Ya Later

I have tried to write this post many, many times. I never make it past looking at the pictures though. I really hate crying and every time i try and sift though them I cry. I had never even heard of ECI/CDSA until we were being discharged from the hospital. We were lucky to have a great social worker during discharge because I have heard stories of others who were so lucky. She set EVERYTHING up for us and gave me a list of people to call to possibly get more services we might need later on. CDSA in NC did their best but most of them (excluding one) didn't know how to even begin handling Emmeline. She was the most medically complicated child in the county and probably that they had ever seen. I loved them. They were sweet and loved my kid but we didn't see a ton of progress there.

When we moved I was nervous about meeting new therapists. I don't really like appointments or talking to strangers. They were of course amazing. They listened to me and all my concerns. They loved Emmeline and pushed her hard. She grew by leaps and bounds. She has gone from a non communicator that could barely sit up to the little ball of energy that runs around my apartment bossing her sister all day.

As the dreaded 3rd birthday drew near I decided to have a birthday party with Emmeline's best friends. Her therapists. Sadly in the end only a few could come to the actual party but it was still a great (and heartbreaking) day. It was great to have one last in home visit with them. I have already crashed one of their staff meetings to see people and I'm sure it wont be our last.

the gift table

All dressed up for her party

I have never served a store bought cake at my kids birthday. Ever. Emmeline was very clear that this is the one she wanted though. Hey, it's her party.

It never fails that I can let Emmeline pick any bag of chips she wants and she get Cheetos EVERY time.

They brought her balloons so most of the pictures I have are like this.

And this.

They got a gift for Emmeline and Isabella. Have I mentioned how much I LOVE these people!!!

PT. "Um, Lala what are you doing in my picture?"

Speech. I just love how Emmeline is looking at her. You can see the love.

We had some how ended up with 3 therapy balls.

After everyone left she needed to do some comfort eating.

I can't really accurately describe my feelings for these wonderful people. This post probably doesn't really make much sense. I don't do well with emotions but at least over the internet you can't see me cry so that is a plus.