The Awkward Talk

I thought about doing it over email.  Honestly I would probably prefer 70% of my human interactions actually took place in writing instead.  Less messy. Talking requires too much interaction.  You have to make eye contact, and nod.  Plus I don't get do overs on the faces I make that are all too telling about what I'm actually thinking.  Emails and txts are safer for everyone.
Since I probably wouldn't be at church on Sunday and people were already making announcements about medical stuff with several families in the ward (congregation) I decided our mid week woman's activity was a good time to let people know that we just found out that Emmeline's heart surgery is scheduled for this coming Wednesday.  As in 6 days from now.  I hadn't really said it out loud to anyone other than Josh which I didn't realize until I teared up.  Saying out loud that your child is having heart surgery is kind of like hitting yourself in the face with a brick.  In the back of your mind your thinking you're tough, and let's be honest this my first go round, but then it hurts.
I learned tonight that not even a room full of women know what to do when someone just starts crying. You still get those "Oh crap" looks as all eyes are suddenly averted to the floor.  Then one brave soul tries to dissipate the situation by asking practical questions to try and distract everyone.
I didn't know the answer.  As I sat there I realized that I had no idea what exactly would be happening to my little Dumple.  For a moment I got angry.  Why hadn't anyone told me!?
Oh, yeah.  I don't want to know.  This is one procedure I would rather be told about afterward.  I just have no desire to know what they will be doing to her little body.  It makes my soul hurt to even consider the possibility that they might stop her tiny heart that works so hard. Even for a moment.  A deep, deep hurt that I can't adequately describe.
Anyway...of course people came up to me afterward to see what I needed.  They meant well.  It was sweet and I am honestly glad they tried.  Seriously.  I just don't know how to get help.  People offer and I just don't know what to say.  I smile and thank them for the thought.  I know I probably wont call.  I'm trying to be better about it.  Here's the problem: I need to do it.  I don't know why or what exactly I  think it proves but I can't walk away.  Maybe it's fear that if I had to do it alone I am admitting I couldn't?  I don't know.  Often times the act of figuring out what in my life someone else could substitute for me is more difficult then just doing it myself.  I have often said, when people say I'm a great mom that the only difference between me and the bad moms is that I can't walk away.  I guess that's the line. Crossing it would just lead to a different awkward talk and we all know how well I do awkward.


Anonymous said...

I totally know what you're going through. Its just like the time...

Wait, oh right, I actually have no idea what you're going through. I'll just sit in my spotless apartment that the maid just cleaned, and sip my martini. And, also, too, I will also send you waves of atheist telepathic well-wishes. That makes everything better, or so I am told =)

Marianne said...

Yeah, "Prayers for your family" seems like such a trite and meaningless phrase now (thank you social media). So I never say it. But we'll be thinking of you, anyways. :)

Megan said...

Thanks to both. Social media has ruined previously meaningful phrases. I want a martini...and a maid.