My Season of Remembering

Like I said in a previous post, the fall reminds me of Emmeline being in the hospital. Most of that makes me feel better but one thing sticks out like a sore thumb and kind of ruins it. Halloween. On this day 3 years ago I made what I was told was a life saving decision. Maybe it was. I'll never know. All I do know is I am full of regret. I can't help but feel that if we had given her a bit more time she would have done it. But I was new to this and thought they really had her best interest at heart and not just their schedule. How naive I was. On that day 3 years ago I decided to permanently scar my daughter's beautiful tummy. Now if she ever shows her stomach she will get hit with questions. For a choice she had no choice in. It was very difficult to have the G-tube placed. It took all the self control I had to not run into the O R and grab her off the table. I just sat and cried the whole procedure. The Chaplin in the waiting room was so freaked out they didn't even approach me. It did probably make her stronger faster then she could have alone but at what cost? Vomiting multiple times a day for years. Totally forgetting how to eat. Our sanity. Any chance at a "normal" family life. In the back of my mind I truly believe she didn't need it. But that doesn't matter now.
Sometimes I get really, really angry when I think about the doctor's motives surrounding such a hard choice for our family. It's something I am constantly having to try and move past. Which is harder then I ever imagined. It bothers me that I let this eat away at my happiness for all the amazing things Emmeline has done over the last 3 years. She is truly exceptional. Today I'll try to see her exceptional things. Will I make it that whole day? Probably not. But I will at least give it the best I have. Just like 3 years ago.


Matthew said...

I have received so much value from the Buddhist teachings on regret. I wish I could give that to you.

One thing is certain, you absolutely had her best interests at heart. You might make a better decision now, with all your experience and knowledge, but Em will never have any reason to doubt you were trying to do the absolute best for her. I think that is all we can really ask of a parent. You're allowed to make mistakes as long as your intentions were good. Yours definitely were. (For the record I'm not convinced your original decision was a mistake, but I'm just going with it for the purposes of your post.)

Terra said...

You're baby is going to take over the world you know that right? I look at her and can't imagine her ever caring about a scar on her tummy...she's just going to laugh all the way to her fortress.

Seriously, you just evened the playing field up a bit (and not by much). You worked with the information given to you and made the best decision you could given the information. (For the record I'm with Matthew)

If you'd like though I'll totally make some "hate you" packages for the Doctors in question.