Sometimes I get really, really angry when I think about the doctor's motives surrounding such a hard choice for our family. It's something I am constantly having to try and move past. Which is harder then I ever imagined. It bothers me that I let this eat away at my happiness for all the amazing things Emmeline has done over the last 3 years. She is truly exceptional. Today I'll try to see her exceptional things. Will I make it that whole day? Probably not. But I will at least give it the best I have. Just like 3 years ago.
My Season of Remembering
Like I said in a previous post, the fall reminds me of Emmeline being in the hospital. Most of that makes me feel better but one thing sticks out like a sore thumb and kind of ruins it. Halloween. On this day 3 years ago I made what I was told was a life saving decision. Maybe it was. I'll never know. All I do know is I am full of regret. I can't help but feel that if we had given her a bit more time she would have done it. But I was new to this and thought they really had her best interest at heart and not just their schedule. How naive I was. On that day 3 years ago I decided to permanently scar my daughter's beautiful tummy. Now if she ever shows her stomach she will get hit with questions. For a choice she had no choice in. It was very difficult to have the G-tube placed. It took all the self control I had to not run into the O R and grab her off the table. I just sat and cried the whole procedure. The Chaplin in the waiting room was so freaked out they didn't even approach me. It did probably make her stronger faster then she could have alone but at what cost? Vomiting multiple times a day for years. Totally forgetting how to eat. Our sanity. Any chance at a "normal" family life. In the back of my mind I truly believe she didn't need it. But that doesn't matter now.