Gone

i spend most of my time either cleaning or thinking about cleaning. i think most moms of young children do. we are either working our tails off trying to keep up or taking a break realizing how long it will take to catch up after we are done eating our well earned cookies.
well, i was actually trying the "keeping up with things" today. being cleaning day and all.
as i got to the living room i found the stethoscope.
i felt like i had been hit by a ton of bricks. i sat. there in the middle of the living room i felt more then my 30 years. 30 is a pivotal year for me. my own life crisis. in my mind this is the year to either do things or give them up forever. i know that isn't exactly logical but it doesn't change what my internal clock is feeling.
in reality i probably gave up my dream of being a doctor many, many years ago. but the reality of that situation brought me to my butt today. my lungs felt tight and the tears came, as they often do lately.
it's just gone. it's not that it slipped through my fingers. it's that i put it in the back like so many other things. it just seems to have grown mold and become unsalvageable. i know some people have gone to medical school at an older age but lets be real. I can't. for so many reasons. i can't because it would cost my family to much. not just money but everything. it's just gone.
so, i made a choice. i decided to leave it. i couldn't put it away. it was to symbolic. so there it lays in the middle of my living room floor. until one of the girls carries it away. like they so often do.