you have to admit, hipsters seem happy. well, happier then i am. generally. they seem so young and vibrant. it makes me feel old and stale. did i ever look like them? all posed and glowing at some hip party? probably not. should i just face that i have allowed my anxiety to completely cripple my entire life? i would like to think i used to be quirky enough that i could have been one of these girls if i hadn't let my fear consume me.
maybe not. it seems like everyone at my age seems to be exceptional at something. they have some special skill they love and have spent years nurturing. something that puts a smile like this on their face. i am pretty much mediocre at everything. passable but not exceptional. it makes me blend with everyone and everything. there was a time where that is what i thought would be best. if i blended i would never feel embarrassed/anxious. now i am alone. alone and anxious. completely blended and unexceptional. i can't say i am surprised. i even overlook myself. i used to think this was a good motherly skill. you know, putting your kids needs before your own. i didn't balance myself well. so now i am even mediocre at mothering. blended and unexceptional.
see! a hipster wouldn't be thinking these things!! they would be thrilled with their outfit, friends and surroundings in general. they would have just finished with some crafty project or participated in some nonprofit help the less fortunate kind of thing in their cute outfit with said friends. sounds happy to me. what did i just do? made dinner, put one kid in front of the tv while i yelled directions at the other and finally zoned out on the computer. mediocre at best. i passed the mark.
i wish i was happy like a hipster.