selfishness

my friend is dying. she shouldn't be. I'm not just saying that because she is young, a mother, wife or friend. i am saying it because she really shouldn't be. a doctor screwed up. big time. now that will cost dearly. it will cost a mother, wife and a friend. what will it cost him? not nearly enough.

selfishly i feel guilt. guilt when i breath, guilt when i look at my kids and realize i will probably be able to see them tomorrow. guilt for thinking that eating that candy bar will make me fat. guilt for having the chance to do so many things over again. to keep trying. i don't think Jess would want me to feel that way. i know she wouldn't. she is amazing. beautifully strong. even now she has a greats sense of humor. she wants people to be happy. i hate goodbyes. i always have. they are so often hard. this one is no exception. as i cry i remember her smile and can't help but smile too. i know she wouldn't want me to be sad. she would want me to learn. make every moment count. give extra hugs. yell less. be grateful.

i love you Jess. look out for us.