Mental Corset

Emmeline had an Endocrinology appointment last week and it was rough. I had to restrain her, twice. On the second go round she started yelling "I DON'T FEEL SAFE!!!" It sucked. When she was little I used to make the nurses restrain her and then swoop in to "save" her when they were finished. As she gets older it's vastly more completed. She's been through a lot so she knows what's coming but she isn't old enough to know why she has to do it anyway. It's rough for all involved. To make matters worse the doctor wants us to wait 4 more months before starting the growth hormone. Emmeline was so sad.

Octobers really slap me in the face with emotional crap. Since Emmeline was a baby, things seem to happen to her in October. From the first few times she tried to die to last year's school situation, Octobers can frankly go to hell.

It really is a shame, because I love fall. But, it's getting harder and harder to push the memories away when the whether starts to change. Last year really did it for me. I was barely starting to be able to get through the day without thinking about it, and then fall came. Now I am right back there. Fiercely angry and protective. Panic attacks randomly, and rage that feels like my heart will explode, swiftly followed up with the realization that there will be no relief. No one is coming to right the injustice. It's just there...forever.

The realization that this is my forever is what makes it feel hopeless. Even though the event is over, it happened and I can't erase that.  When I think about how none of this is going to go away and that it's in my head forever, everything feels tighter. It feels like my life is being squeeze out of me. Just tight enough that I can't breath or focus on other things, just panic. Tight enough to keep my attention.  Tight enough that I know I can't get away and it makes me so tired. Everything is exhausting. Everything is a fight. Tighter and tighter...