You Don't Know What Tired Is

 Are you tired of being in your house? Tired of wearing a mask all the time? Tired of not being able to get your nails done, have your hair cut, eat inside a restaurant, hang out with friends, see your extended family, go on vacation, play sports, or a million other things not with your immediate family unit at your home? 

Oh, you've done some of those things? I'm sure you had a great reason...really...I'm sure you thought through ALL the consequences. You thought you were being responsible and that you and yours will "probably" be fine. And the thing is, you probably will be. 

Here's the thing. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!! Well, it is in that how you act makes a dick or not a dick. 

I see you, we all see you. You were really good at the beginning of this but it's taking longer than you thought and now you're...rationalizing. 

Rationalizing your behavior because rules apply all the time except, (fill in whatever you want to do right now). 

I get it, you miss normal, and this whole worrying all the time about health and germs is tiring. You don't like the worry, it makes you feel anxious and stressed out. You miss being included in social gatherings and seeing family and friends. 

WELCOME TO MY LIFE EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!! 

I have lived with this fear everyday for the last 11 years and 10months. I have to worry all the time what Emmeline might catch that could land us in the hospital...or worse. 

Yes, that worse. DEATH.

My family has had to consider social distance for SO SO long. Living with a high risk family member necessitates it. All the time. 

I have to scan for illness everywhere. Even a cold is dangerous. It's hard. Isa has had to homeschool, we've missed sports, parties, vacations, family events, funerals, saying goodbye...

People assume I am difficult or a worrywart. But let me tell you, I have stayed up countless nights watching the numbers on the monitor, giving breathing treatments, restraining for suctioning and blood draws, and listening to lungs. I. AM. TIRED.

Seeing your child on a ventilator is NO JOKE.

But that's what it feels like you're saying when I see your pictures, posts, and hear your stories. What you're saying is (at best), I care about other people, but not enough, not right now. But what I see is more along the lines of, my quarantine fatigue means more to me than a human life. That's what you're doing, risking another person's life...Your choices DO impact others. Others who wish they could rationalize, others who need your help. 

I get it, it's hard, you're lonely, you're tired and you'll be super careful. 

All I see is a dick.