The Time

Tomorrow is my baby's birthday and I'm filled with hate and distractedness.  On a day when I should be reflecting on her very hard fought life I am filled with rage.  I am so angry at people for not helping a little girl who works so hard have a little easier time at her life.  To give her a boost...because she earned it.  She worked her tiny little ass off!  For what?  More hard work apparently.  Not to say she isn't progressing, but as a mother it breaks my heart to have to see her fight so hard to do what most take for granted.
It makes reflecting on her birth so painful.  To remember that I thought, if I could just get her this or that she would be...something...I don't know.  It's just a compulsion that I think every parent has.  I'll get   my child whatever help they need!  No matter what kind of help it is, if they need it you get it. Until one day, you can't.  Someone says no, your child doesn't deserve that.  Your child has to work much harder to get the same thing.  And they act like they gave you a present, with a pretty bow on top.  A box full of excuses and look how great she's doings.  Basically the finger.
Why?  I said it.  I have never been able to be that parent who never asked why.  I have always wanted to know.  Why Emmeline?  Why our family?  What made me so qualified to do this?  No I'm not a super strong person, no I had no experience with anything like this, no it's not fun.  It's hard.  Hard to look back on and hard to live.  Knowing that one day, Emmeline will be fighting these fights.  I wont be able to keep them from her.  Then she'll know...


Brittany H. said...

It is heartbreaking to see kids who don't really get to be kids in the sense that we know the word. Even Isa (and Dash) have more responsibility to "know better" than to do certain things when it comes to their siblings. When I think about all the hard work and time that our girls spend in school/therapy/evaluations/etc. I get sad, but then I try to tell myself that by sacrificing this time now, life will be better later. Gosh, I hope that's true!

Megan said...

me too! It's the only way i make through!