The Gasp That Never Came

some people say I focus on the negative. I say i am preparing for the worst case scenario. Either way it has made me a nervous wreck. well, probably not just that. usually i can worry about all the bad things that are going to happen because my anxiety level is "manageable" so the worry doesn't push me over whatever edge i am near. There are alot of new stresses in dear old Texas that keep my anxiety at an all new high. so along with the worry just call me CRAZY!

well, i was talking to em's PT today about this being a "test" winter for her to see if she will be able to go to the public school preschool to get therapy after she graduates from ECI. I told her that we are hoping that with her tonsils and adenoids out she wont get pneumonia so much (she had it 4 times last year). She has really come very far since her tonsils were taken out. it is really amazing. no one expected such a drastic turn around. she had her first night since two weeks old without supplemental O2 the night right after surgery.

before the surgery she was a VERY loud sleeper. she would snore a lot. in the month or two leading up to the surgery it got progressively worse. as she got cold after pneumonia after cold after flu etc.. in the week before the surgery i had to sleep on the couch. they were working her in as quickly as possible but it had gotten to where as soon as she fell asleep she would quit breathing. her O2 levels hovered around the 60-70 range as she would dose off and then wake gasping for air only to fall right back to sleep from sheer exhaustion. it was unbearable to listen to. josh kindly slept in the room with her taking care of her as best he could while i lay on the couch listening to the alarm go off again, and again. it was heart breaking.

when i brought her home i still lay there listening until late into the night. just listening. to the nothing. i got up several times to make sure she was still breathing. after all up until now the gasp let me know she was still alive. if only just, sometimes.

i have often toy with the idea of writing a book about all this. but lets be serious. who wants to read a book where the person is still bitter and jaded? no one, that's who. so i have decided it would probably be better to wait until i might actually have something to say that people might want to hear. i even came up with a title that will get peoples attention but not really mean what they think it means. it makes me smile, knowing how hard we worked to accomplish it. The Gasp That Never Came.


Laura said...

I really admire your ability to write about all of this Megan. Going through our own struggle right now, I find I share it with close family, but am so reserved about opening it up. You're inspiring! I don't know if I'm ready just yet, but I thought you should know I admire your courage:)

raise the roof

Mary Ann said...

I think you should write it. Who cares if it doesn't find a large audience?

Matthew said...

I would definitely read it. Glad to hear she is doing so much better!

Whitney said...

Oh Megan. I love you! You are so real about everything. I totally understand how it feels to be negative about things I'm going through but I don't understand how hard it must be to deal with all you do. Thanks for helping me realize that I really don't have it that bad!

I often wonder how things would have been different in my health if I would have had my tonsils removed when I was young. I'm convinced that leaving them in was not the right advice from my pediatrician. I hope things continue to improve day by day with darling little Em.

Renee said...

I'd read your book. You have an important story to tell, maybe it would make another family feel less alone in their own trials :)

Mindy Jo said...

I would not only read the book, but most likely recommend it to everyone I know, with the knowledge that you would write from a place of truth, humor, hope and love! :)
love you
miss you
mean it