It's 8:53 pm on a Tuesday. I'm crying. I've been up since 5:30 am. My daughter kicked me in the face tonight, twice. Shoes on. That was just the beginning. Or should I say the norm? She regularly becomes violent. Some days are worse than others but we rarely have one without an "episode" anymore. We have special locks on our bedroom doors so we can lock ourselves in so she doesn't break down the door to hit, kick, pinch or bite us. She picks holes in the walls, herself, whatever she can reach. I had to buy multiple wall patching kits this weekend. As she gets bigger it gets worse. I used to work out to be able to carry her places. Now I work out to have the strength to try and safely restrain her.
I have so much school work, and real work to do. That's why I'm crying, right now anyway. I'm exhausted. I should go to bed, but then tomorrow will come faster. More like today. Over and over. Everyone says it will pass, but when it does will I still be here? Will what is here even resemble me at all?
Here is a dark place. Every once in a while I float to the surface and glimpse light, then get sucked down again. How long can I hold my breath?
Each bob up and down drains more of my dwindling strength. I wonder each time if it will be the last glimpse of light. Will this be the time I don't float back up?
The weight is crushing. Sometimes I fight to get back up. Sometimes I freeze and pray I finally sink. Am I sinking or being crushed? I can't tell, it all feels the same. Numb and excruciating all at once. Dead and so painfully alive.
Churning, day after day. Over and over. Is it passing? Am I?