40%

A couple of days ago I shared this blog post on Facebook. So many people responded with love validation and support :). Interestingly though, a whopping 40% of the interactions I had about this post did EXACTLY what I was talking about.  It was then that I realized, "They don't even know they're doing it!"

I'm not going to name names because that isn't important. Most people don't realize their comments of encouragement or advice can be hurtful, because they feel that it comes from a good place.  They think, "But we are close enough that this can't apply to me" or "I know exactly how to make them feel better". They don't realize that it can leave the listener feeling like their sadness isn't valid or that they should change their feelings in order to make the people around them less uncomfortable.

Why are we so uncomfortable with sadness? Why are we so quick to try and make it go away? Sad things happen.  Sometimes many sad things happen. And in those moments, we don't want encouragement or a personal anecdote about that person one time and how it all worked out. (Personal stories about your own experiences are OK, just leave out the part about how it got better, or how it will all be fine. It just glosses over the sadness).  What we want to know is that being sad is OK, that it's normal, and that we can stay there for as long as WE need to. When advice it wanted, we will ask for it. Just wait.

That's hard for most people. It's almost instinctive to try and make the sadness stop--to give them advice to get them out of their current situation and move on.  What does that even mean, move on?  To where? What if it sucks there too? In my mind it conjures up a person who has done their best to forget about why they were sad, only to be reminded from time to time and get completely derailed. Who does that help?

We all know the situation will end but that doesn't make it hurt less now.  For some of us the situation causing the pain will last our life time (I hope. Yep, I worry about that too).   I know it's hard to watch someone go through a painful and/or sad situation, but you need to let them do just that. Go through it.  Love them, validate them, cry with them. It's "Mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort," not "Try to cheer up those that mourn and give perspective to those that stand in need of comfort."