The Perfect Space

Those that know me well know that I frequently say the phrase "I hate the way emotions make me feel".  This is mostly due to the fact that when I feel an emotion I FEEL that emotion.  It is very very intense and I have trouble processing it.  In some cases like sadness, anxiety or fear it will cause physical pain that can overstimulate me to the point of a freak out/shutdown.  I even feel emotions I think other people should feel. I over relate. To most, this isn't news. They have seen this happen countless times.  

This reaction means that I usually try to avoid intense emotions all together and surprise, surprise, I'm a bit of a control freak.

Obviously I can't hold all the negative emotions at bay so sometimes, some leak out.  It isn't usually pretty. 

So, I came up with a way to let a little bit of emotion out in a "controlled" setting.  Music.  I can listen and feel whatever the singer is sharing for 3-5 minutes and then it ends.  Well, usually.   At my most self aware, I will use music to help make myself feel the emotion I know I'm holding back. So that I can feel it constructively and have a starting and stopping point. The songs I use for this must be carefully chosen.  Whatever I choose will be forever tainted with sadness.  Whenever I listen to it, tomorrow or years from now, I will feel the weight of that time.  The full emotion of whatever I let out during the song.  It will be associated with a specific memory and pain.

When I'm not so self aware I pick some cheesy upbeat music in hopes that I can make myself feel THAT way.  It works, for 3-5 minutes. When the song ends so does the illusion of happy.  Or sometimes I just listen to the sappy stuff so that music I love wont become tainted.  I can't hold the emotions back and I'm just out there, feeling it and and making correlations willy nilly.  You have to be careful with that stuff ;)  Josh hates my music now days.  He cringes when I turn it on. Knowing it will be something cheesy, with no depth, poorly written and poorly performed. It makes it fairly miserable for us to ride in a car together.  I don't want something good and he doesn't want something that makes him want to pull his ears off.  He's so picky.

But, I'm trying to be more of a grown up lately. Trying to teach your kid how to be more grown up will really help you see all the areas where you behave like a big baby. So today, I did it.  I turned on the Avett Brothers.  It's been 7 months.  Here's to hoping this doesn't kill them.