Those that know me well know that I frequently say the phrase "I hate the way emotions make me feel". This is mostly due to the fact that when I feel an emotion I FEEL that emotion. It is very very intense and I have trouble processing it. In some cases like sadness, anxiety or fear it will cause physical pain that can overstimulate me to the point of a freak out/shutdown. I even feel emotions I think other people should feel. I over relate. To most, this isn't news. They have seen this happen countless times.
This reaction means that I usually try to avoid intense emotions all together and surprise, surprise, I'm a bit of a control freak.
Obviously I can't hold all the negative emotions at bay so sometimes, some leak out. It isn't usually pretty.
So, I came up with a way to let a little bit of emotion out in a "controlled" setting. Music. I can listen and feel whatever the singer is sharing for 3-5 minutes and then it ends. Well, usually. At my most self aware, I will use music to help make myself feel the emotion I know I'm holding back. So that I can feel it constructively and have a starting and stopping point. The songs I use for this must be carefully chosen. Whatever I choose will be forever tainted with sadness. Whenever I listen to it, tomorrow or years from now, I will feel the weight of that time. The full emotion of whatever I let out during the song. It will be associated with a specific memory and pain.
When I'm not so self aware I pick some cheesy upbeat music in hopes that I can make myself feel THAT way. It works, for 3-5 minutes. When the song ends so does the illusion of happy. Or sometimes I just listen to the sappy stuff so that music I love wont become tainted. I can't hold the emotions back and I'm just out there, feeling it and and making correlations willy nilly. You have to be careful with that stuff ;) Josh hates my music now days. He cringes when I turn it on. Knowing it will be something cheesy, with no depth, poorly written and poorly performed. It makes it fairly miserable for us to ride in a car together. I don't want something good and he doesn't want something that makes him want to pull his ears off. He's so picky.
But, I'm trying to be more of a grown up lately. Trying to teach your kid how to be more grown up will really help you see all the areas where you behave like a big baby. So today, I did it. I turned on the Avett Brothers. It's been 7 months. Here's to hoping this doesn't kill them.