on the way to somewhere

so the other day i volunteered to pick up isa from school for josh. normally i am at home with em while she is napping. that day, however josh was home and doing some work so i offered to get isa so he could keep working for a bit longer. something weird happened.

it was a pretty warm day. for januray anyway. the sun was warm on my skin but the breeze was still cool. i drove the saab (it is isa's favorite). i turned on a CD and cranked up the volume. i can't normally do that because it annoys others in the car. plus with a loud stereo and loud kids it not as much fun. out of reflex i guess, i rolled down the windows. all the way. i haven't done that in a long time. once again, it makes others (isabella) uncomfortable to have all that wind.

that is when it happened..........i caught my breath as it hit me. no, not a car. a sensation i hadn't felt in a long time. deep in my gut i could feel it. it was megan. i smiled and teared up at the same time. in the blink of an eye my emotions were transported back in time. to a time where my cares were lite and my insides didn't feel like a knot. when i noticed the little things, and they made me happy. when i could take off and go to the park with isa. we would run and play in the grass. we had no where we needed to go. no appointments. nothing. just playtime, and after that who knows, who cares.
i breathed the feeling in. savoring the person i missed. then, just as quickly as she had come she started to fade. it was like she was leaving with the breath i exhaled. i wanted to hold her in. to feel like me for a bit longer. i knew it wouldn't work, but i still wanted to. as she vanished i tired to repeat whatever i had done to find her. i guess it was kind of like faking being happy though. or telling the same joke over and over. it's just not the same. this was no different. she wasn't fooled.
i was sad to see her go but glad she came. at least now i know she is still there somewhere right? even if she is small and rarely seen. that's got to count for something...someday...somewhere.


Terra said...

If it makes you feel any better I always see Megan when I hand out with you or talk to you on the phone. Yeah, she's a bit more stressed but so am I :)

Brittany H. said...

I loved this, Megan. There are definitely moments throughout the week when I mourn for the life I used to have, or the life I may never have...I think: If I had known how it would be, would I have made different choices? But then I am reminded that I did know (at one point) and I did choose, and that's why I'm here at all. Others say they couldn't be in our shoes, but they could--because we're moms! And we do what we have to, what others need us to do. Thanks for inspiring some reflective thoughts--it's been therapeutic for me! :)

Whitney said...

You are amazing Megan! Sometimes I wish I could actually shower when I want or go to bed at midnight and get up at 10. You have so much more you have to deal with.

But Justin is so worth it. and I'm sure you wouldn't give up Em (or Isa) to have "that life" back again. That's what I have to hold on to sometime. I wouldn't give him back to have "that" back. :)

I wish we could just have a BBQ and let the kids play outback.

Love you!

Laura said...

Raise the roof! Okay, I had to say that for "Megan's" sake. I miss you guys and am glad to hear you're driving around listening to loud music again. Maybe soon you'll be vacuuming like crazy too?

Shiree said...

That was beautiful.

Anonymous said...

sunshine+music+peace+health=good therapy!


Shalene said...

Megan is still there. She is just climbing a really big mountain right now.