A Scary Glimpse

as the time grows near that we are "cleared" to leave the house i have mixed feelings. it has been really inconvenient to be stuck at home all the time. i have only been to church like three times in the last 8 months. i can't hang out with friends and poor Isa is/has gone crazy. i can't go to the grocery store even if i wanted to. i can't pick up medicine. My only "friends" are doctors and therapists.

most people who know me are aware of my anxiety and desire to become a hermit. so in some ways this has been a dream come true. i not only got to stay inside away from everyone but the doctor said i had to. now, i know it isn't healthy to become a hermit and i usually have some things i make myself do to maintain a small desire to go out and be with people. the problem is that all those things involved actually going out. which i wasn't able to do. so i pretty much lost my drive to maintain any semblance of normality.

i think one of my huge fears is that i will have worked so hard to keep Em healthy all winter and then she will get crazy sick the first time we go out. or that everyone will think it doesn't still matter to try and keep her germ free and assume that the cold they are "getting over" wont harm her. i also fear the fact that so many people haven't been able to see her that there will be a flood of "me next" and "my turn" or "you really should". i can barley deal with parading/passing around of my kids normally but now all i want to push people down and run. why would they think they have any rights to my children?

it is weird how animalistic i feel about the whole thing. my very heart feels bruised, battered, beaten and broken. this had caused me to go into "protect my offspring" mode. this mode can be annoying, disruptive and unacceptable to some. the good thing about this mode however is that i no longer care about the passive aggressive guilt trips layed by so may. the bad part is that i just no longer care. so when a situation arises that needs real consideration i just ignore it or become hostile. i know, not so pleasant.

Maybe this should have been a journal entry? oh well.

a lot of people have told me "don't worry, Em is so little she wont remember any of this" and while i am grateful for that the problem is this. i don't want to remember it either! it is all i think about. when i am not thinking about what she needs right now to keep her out of the hospital i just can't seem to get the day they moved her into the PICU and she had every tube you can think of attached to her out of my head. or the day she turned blue during her hearing test. or the day i sat sobbing the the O. R. waiting area while they maimed my daughter's stomach forever.

when i was younger i would have horrible nightmares almost every night. it got the point that i would stay up all night for fear of falling asleep and entering the terrible worlds my brain would create. i actually live in one of those worlds now . it never ends. At least i knew when the night would end. i actually long for those nightmares now.


Kelly said...

I know a little about what you are talking about. I wondered if I would be able to forget those permanently inscribed on my brain images of my newborn with tubes everywhere and monitors surrounding him and beeping constantly. He was in the NICU for a couple months so that's all I knew for a while. Our times at the children's hospital are some of THE worst days of my life. I sobbed the whole time we sat in the O.R. waiting area too. People stared at me like I was having a problem and they'd whisper to Spencer, Is she okay?? I just thought, how come YOU are not crying? We're all in the O.R. waiting area for a reason!! Anyway, it did get better. As Gorden got older and little by little, healthier, I didn't constantly think of all those things anymore. It was nice. I hope that happens for you. We were also locked at home for six months, going absolutely no where. I wanted it to last longer! I was super scared when it was over. For us, I didn't care if I had to be rude, but for the most part people kept their distance. Everyone at church new the situation somewhat, it was the Wal-Mart employees that thought they were entitled to tickle his feet and get in his face. I remember pushing them out of the way when they tried to get in front of my basket. They looked at me wierd and totally surprised, but I think they got the message. =) Good luck. Being a hermit isn't all so bad. You'll probably feel comfortable to come out eventually.

Megan said...

the problem is when the doctor says it's ok people aren't very understanding about me still not wanting them around. i can barely keep them away as it is.

Mary Ann said...

Good luck with all these changes and transitions, Megan. I know I can't relate to your specific circumstances, but I know what it is like to spend way too long doing something that hurts. Time and distance help--they're not magic, but they help.

Terra said...

All I can say, is that you should have made ugly babies :)
That and I totally blame your siblings (me included) on your neurosis- you got them honestly.
My day dream is to have enough money to buy a little house in the middle of nowhere and the ability to leave when I want to visit my cute nieces.
But not a moment before.

Shiree said...

wow. I'm glad you got that all out. I can assure you that I won't ask to hold her any time soon. (Even if I want to.) You're welcome for being such a great friend!
Oh, and by the way, I'm not a therapist or a doctor and I still consider myself your friend--even if you like my therapist husband better. :)
Sending you love from Utah.

AmyCurtis said...

Take your time, Megan. Thanks for being honest with your feelings -- its nice to hear that kind of honesty in a I'm-just-great kind of society. In Chinese I would say "manmanlai", which means essentially "take it slowly one step at a time".