as the time grows near that we are "cleared" to leave the house i have mixed feelings. it has been really inconvenient to be stuck at home all the time. i have only been to church like three times in the last 8 months. i can't hang out with friends and poor Isa is/has gone crazy. i can't go to the grocery store even if i wanted to. i can't pick up medicine. My only "friends" are doctors and therapists.
most people who know me are aware of my anxiety and desire to become a hermit. so in some ways this has been a dream come true. i not only got to stay inside away from everyone but the doctor said i had to. now, i know it isn't healthy to become a hermit and i usually have some things i make myself do to maintain a small desire to go out and be with people. the problem is that all those things involved actually going out. which i wasn't able to do. so i pretty much lost my drive to maintain any semblance of normality.
i think one of my huge fears is that i will have worked so hard to keep Em healthy all winter and then she will get crazy sick the first time we go out. or that everyone will think it doesn't still matter to try and keep her germ free and assume that the cold they are "getting over" wont harm her. i also fear the fact that so many people haven't been able to see her that there will be a flood of "me next" and "my turn" or "you really should". i can barley deal with parading/passing around of my kids normally but now all i want to push people down and run. why would they think they have any rights to my children?
it is weird how animalistic i feel about the whole thing. my very heart feels bruised, battered, beaten and broken. this had caused me to go into "protect my offspring" mode. this mode can be annoying, disruptive and unacceptable to some. the good thing about this mode however is that i no longer care about the passive aggressive guilt trips layed by so may. the bad part is that i just no longer care. so when a situation arises that needs real consideration i just ignore it or become hostile. i know, not so pleasant.
Maybe this should have been a journal entry? oh well.
a lot of people have told me "don't worry, Em is so little she wont remember any of this" and while i am grateful for that the problem is this. i don't want to remember it either! it is all i think about. when i am not thinking about what she needs right now to keep her out of the hospital i just can't seem to get the day they moved her into the PICU and she had every tube you can think of attached to her out of my head. or the day she turned blue during her hearing test. or the day i sat sobbing the the O. R. waiting area while they maimed my daughter's stomach forever.
when i was younger i would have horrible nightmares almost every night. it got the point that i would stay up all night for fear of falling asleep and entering the terrible worlds my brain would create. i actually live in one of those worlds now . it never ends. At least i knew when the night would end. i actually long for those nightmares now.