In college I wrote a paper about how living in the suburbs made you fat. In the study it stated that people in the suburbs weren't fat because they didn't exercise. In fact they exercised the same amount at those located elsewhere. The problem was that it was the only exercise they were getting. People living in the city were able to access their day to day errands by foot. They didn't have to get in the car to go a mile down the road to the shopping center.
People in suburbs usually don't choose to drive to be lazy however. They have to because most of these "neighborhoods" are only able to access stores via a major road that isn't very pedestrian friendly. This caused an increase in motor vehicle/bike/walker accidents involving those who tried to access said shopping centers without cars.
Here in lies my problem. There are occasional areas where they have put in side walks and crosswalks. Even if I felt like the drivers were able to drive and look out for pedestrians, which I don't, it is to dang hot to walk anywhere, especially with children. So, I am forced to actually exercise.
I don't like it. I prefer to work to get exercise. I would rather be outside hauling dirt then inside doing p90x. Put me in front of an exercise video and I will tell you every government secret I know. I hate, hate, hate counting reps, learning different "moves", or having to go do something so specific that it serves no other purpose in my day. I'm a multi tasker. Exercising just to exercise? gross.
I have one exception of course. Running. Some days I hate it. I hate that I have to get up early and the guilt I feel if I don't run as far or as fast as last time. So I guess I am multi tasking. I am running and having a therapy session.
If I had a house it wouldn't be as bad. There would be plenty of yard/house work to do. I would love every minute of it. I genuinely love to work. Exercising not so much.
So...running is the most I will do.
2012/08/23
2012/08/15
Sometimes You Just Gotta Yell And Scream!!
When I was little we used to listen to an album called The Safety Kids. The basically taught kids safety tips through songs sung by club of kids teaching each other said rules. We listened to it all the time!
It taught kids how to trust their gut, how to get help and knowing your personal information like address and phone number.
Sadly creeps have gotten creepier. Some stuff should probably be added. My family still sings my favorite track which is Sometimes You Just Gotta Yell And Scream!! It's a classic. end of part 4.
We spend so much time telling kids to be polite and respectful. We often forget to tell them it's better to be safe then polite and they can walk away from ANYONE if they feel uncomfortable.
Also, strangers aren't always creepy. Most of the people who do things inappropriate to your child is someone they know and aren't initially suspicious of. You have a cousin who only wants to play with the kids and not really hang out with adults? keep and eye on them. A teacher who thinks your child is very gifted and offers special attention or help? Ask what they would recommended and do it yourself. An adult giving your child random gifts? Not cool.
Kids need to know that ANYONE could hurt them. Not to say EVERYONE will hurt them but they need to know were the lines are and that if someone comes near enough that they feel "weird" inside they should leave and tell a trusted adult IMMEDIATELY. It doesn't matter if the person is a friend or not. Creeps play on children's compassion. They ask them to please not tell because they could get in trouble and they thought they were friends. Make sure your child knows that a friend that asks them to keep a secret from their parents is NOT a real friend.
Also a tip I found that had never occurred to me before was to teach your kids the correct name for their genitals. This is because creeps aren't going to talk to you kid about their vagina or penis. It ups the suspicious factor and they don't want to do that. That way if your kid starts calling her vagina a cupcake then you know some thing's up.
One Saturday morning when when Isa was little (4 or 5ish) Josh was being amazing and had gotten up this her so I could sleep in I woke up to a conversation that I hoped was a dream. We were living in a small studio apartment so the living room was about 5 feet from my bed. Here is what I heard.
Isa: Daddy do you know why this doll is dirty?
Josh: No, why?
Isa: Because blank put her in my underwear.
The silence felt like it lasted forever. I lay frozen in my bed unable to move. Josh, played it cool like a pro. One of the most important things to do if you child comes to you with something is to NOT FREAK OUT. Hard I know, but you need to make sure your child knows they did the right thing by telling you and if you freak out they will know they upset you and are less likely to tell you if it happens again.
Josh: Really? That sounds weird. Why did they do that? Was anyone else there?
By playing it cool he was able to put Isa at ease so she felt comfortable answering all our questions. Let's be honest, we would all have a million questions to ask our kid if they said that.
After further investigation and consulting her pediatrician we determined that nothing traumatic had happened. Thank goodness. I hated thinking not only that someone we knew might have been capable of doing something like that but that I had let it happen. I felt helpless. I realized that I couldn't totally protect her and that sucked. Now I make sure to help her be prepared to handle and hopefully avoid future situations. Kids need to know not only how to get out of bad situations but how to avoid them. I would rather have a cautious kid then a dead one. Educate yourselves so you can educate them.
It taught kids how to trust their gut, how to get help and knowing your personal information like address and phone number.
Sadly creeps have gotten creepier. Some stuff should probably be added. My family still sings my favorite track which is Sometimes You Just Gotta Yell And Scream!! It's a classic. end of part 4.
We spend so much time telling kids to be polite and respectful. We often forget to tell them it's better to be safe then polite and they can walk away from ANYONE if they feel uncomfortable.
Also, strangers aren't always creepy. Most of the people who do things inappropriate to your child is someone they know and aren't initially suspicious of. You have a cousin who only wants to play with the kids and not really hang out with adults? keep and eye on them. A teacher who thinks your child is very gifted and offers special attention or help? Ask what they would recommended and do it yourself. An adult giving your child random gifts? Not cool.
Kids need to know that ANYONE could hurt them. Not to say EVERYONE will hurt them but they need to know were the lines are and that if someone comes near enough that they feel "weird" inside they should leave and tell a trusted adult IMMEDIATELY. It doesn't matter if the person is a friend or not. Creeps play on children's compassion. They ask them to please not tell because they could get in trouble and they thought they were friends. Make sure your child knows that a friend that asks them to keep a secret from their parents is NOT a real friend.
Also a tip I found that had never occurred to me before was to teach your kids the correct name for their genitals. This is because creeps aren't going to talk to you kid about their vagina or penis. It ups the suspicious factor and they don't want to do that. That way if your kid starts calling her vagina a cupcake then you know some thing's up.
One Saturday morning when when Isa was little (4 or 5ish) Josh was being amazing and had gotten up this her so I could sleep in I woke up to a conversation that I hoped was a dream. We were living in a small studio apartment so the living room was about 5 feet from my bed. Here is what I heard.
Isa: Daddy do you know why this doll is dirty?
Josh: No, why?
Isa: Because blank put her in my underwear.
The silence felt like it lasted forever. I lay frozen in my bed unable to move. Josh, played it cool like a pro. One of the most important things to do if you child comes to you with something is to NOT FREAK OUT. Hard I know, but you need to make sure your child knows they did the right thing by telling you and if you freak out they will know they upset you and are less likely to tell you if it happens again.
Josh: Really? That sounds weird. Why did they do that? Was anyone else there?
By playing it cool he was able to put Isa at ease so she felt comfortable answering all our questions. Let's be honest, we would all have a million questions to ask our kid if they said that.
After further investigation and consulting her pediatrician we determined that nothing traumatic had happened. Thank goodness. I hated thinking not only that someone we knew might have been capable of doing something like that but that I had let it happen. I felt helpless. I realized that I couldn't totally protect her and that sucked. Now I make sure to help her be prepared to handle and hopefully avoid future situations. Kids need to know not only how to get out of bad situations but how to avoid them. I would rather have a cautious kid then a dead one. Educate yourselves so you can educate them.
2012/08/10
The Secret Society Of Southern Runners
I am trying to run again. I started about 2 weeks before we left for NC and was able to run 5 days a week while we were there. It was beyond therapeutic for me. Just beautiful. My go to running album is The Avett Brothers Live Vol 3 which is just darn depressing to run to on pavement surrounded by buildings. I wasn't able to get the emotional release I was used to running in TX. It just plan stunk.
The first time I ran in NC I almost cried. It was almost a giddy cry. It just felt so good. It didn't feel like there were weights on my feet or like I was running in quick sand. My body just knew what to do.
There is a beautiful trail run around an old manor on the Blue Ridge Parkway. It's actually the retirement home Tom Hanks is in at the beginning and the end of The Green Mile. Almost endless carriage trails to keep you busy. Some of those trails are darn challenging. If you run from the pond to the manor house you are going uphill the whole way. And then again of you go to the fire tower. So you can get pretty tired and worn out.
Another thing that I think made a huge difference in my TX vs my NC runs were the people. I try not to run alone where I am not going to be near other people for safety/paranoia reasons. In TX pretty much everyone seems to hate being outside. Well, maybe it just seems that way because if you run past someone in TX they don't usually look at you. If they do, it's a glare.
In NC runners are having fun. When they see another runner coming they light up. They look at you with a big smile and greet you. Like they are saying "it's great to see you again!". Seriously I get less enthusiastic greetings from people I consider friends.
I tried to pay attention to whether or not the super happy people were runners or if it was just a southern thing. Overall the people outside were generally happier in NC then TX but the runners were WAY happier. Walkers would look up and half smile and nod but the runners look up, smile, wave and say Hi! like we were long lost friends. Maybe we are. Maybe there was a special runners preexistence. Where we all got to run in the cool mountain air to our hearts content.
After getting back to TX and starting up my runs again I just want to cry. But not a happy giddy cry. More like a pitiful whimper. Like my body is saying "No! Please not this again!" I don't blame it. I miss the lift of my running buddies too.
The first time I ran in NC I almost cried. It was almost a giddy cry. It just felt so good. It didn't feel like there were weights on my feet or like I was running in quick sand. My body just knew what to do.
My first run in NC
My parents live on a mountain. This meant that if I ran down I had to run back up to get home. I didn't mind. I even drove down into town to run on my old route once and is was HORRIBLE. I missed the hills.
This is the bottom 1/3 of the big hill back up to the house. When I took this picture I was surprised at how un-steep it seemed compared to how it felt. I'll just say, it's bigger in person.
This was my all time FAVORITE run while I was home. It was like a monsoon. I could barely see and I kept inhaling water, but it was magical. There is just something about running in a total downpour that unburdens my soul. I wish I could do it every day.
There is a beautiful trail run around an old manor on the Blue Ridge Parkway. It's actually the retirement home Tom Hanks is in at the beginning and the end of The Green Mile. Almost endless carriage trails to keep you busy. Some of those trails are darn challenging. If you run from the pond to the manor house you are going uphill the whole way. And then again of you go to the fire tower. So you can get pretty tired and worn out.
Another thing that I think made a huge difference in my TX vs my NC runs were the people. I try not to run alone where I am not going to be near other people for safety/paranoia reasons. In TX pretty much everyone seems to hate being outside. Well, maybe it just seems that way because if you run past someone in TX they don't usually look at you. If they do, it's a glare.
In NC runners are having fun. When they see another runner coming they light up. They look at you with a big smile and greet you. Like they are saying "it's great to see you again!". Seriously I get less enthusiastic greetings from people I consider friends.
I tried to pay attention to whether or not the super happy people were runners or if it was just a southern thing. Overall the people outside were generally happier in NC then TX but the runners were WAY happier. Walkers would look up and half smile and nod but the runners look up, smile, wave and say Hi! like we were long lost friends. Maybe we are. Maybe there was a special runners preexistence. Where we all got to run in the cool mountain air to our hearts content.
After getting back to TX and starting up my runs again I just want to cry. But not a happy giddy cry. More like a pitiful whimper. Like my body is saying "No! Please not this again!" I don't blame it. I miss the lift of my running buddies too.
2012/07/24
It's Pretty Official
Texas is killing me. I'm not saying I'm totally better. I do have bad days here and there but overall I am WAY healthier in NC. My headaches have gone down, as well as the pretty much constant nausea. I have been on more medicine in Texas in the last two years then in my whole life combined! I am just to tired of having all that crap going through my body! Sadly on Emmeline's new sleep schedule, or lack there of, my fatigue has gone way up. I just can't keep up and I am super excited to be able to just put her in her crib and leave the room.
We have been doing a TON on vacation and will most likely have some big posts when i get home but for now i just have the ipad as my computer so i can't really do a good picture post or anything.
So...I'm not dead or anything.
We have been doing a TON on vacation and will most likely have some big posts when i get home but for now i just have the ipad as my computer so i can't really do a good picture post or anything.
So...I'm not dead or anything.
2012/07/04
Me and My Loco Burro Burrito
I don't have a traditional bucket list. Most people have an actual list of things they want to do. They work toward those goals and plan them out. I can talk myself out of almost anything. So, if I make a list and read it I would probably take most of it off. Also, I would become obsessed with completing the list and get WAY to focused on it. So, I basically have a quite little list in the back of my head and when I stumble on one of those things I do it. Not the most organized way but that way I don't feel like a failure. If I really break it down then my bucket list is really just things for me that I usually procrastinate because I feel busy with other people/things.
This year I have completed 2. 1) I took my very first ballet class. It was SUPER fun and I learned that I have more of a Latin dance physique then a ballet one...if you get my drift.
2) I participated in and completed a food eating challenge. I'm not sure why I wanted to do this one so bad but I always have. I noticed early on that I ate much more then any man around quite comfortably. There was also an incident when a very sweet skinny girl looked at my plate at a wedding buffet and exclaimed "I will pay you $10 if you can eat all that food!" It was slightly embarrassing because that was my first plate of food.
When we were in Gatlinburg my brother-in-law Tad/Tadley saw a roof top restaurant that looked yummy so we went there for dinner and I was all too thrilled to see they had a food challenge!! It was called "The Whole Chihuahua", I think because it was the weight of a small dog. It was a 5lb beef burrito with everything you could imagine in it. Including my nemesis, guacamole. I had an hour to eat it but I knew the time wouldn't be my problem. After some pep talks from my family I decided to give it a try. I was SUPER nervous and was getting queasier and queasier the longer it took to come out. I totally beat it though. I will say it tasted really good. My one bit of advice if you ever attempt a food challenge? Prepare for the texture wall. It will come.
For most of this I had no idea Josh was taping me so I am sorry I am not my usual dainty self ;)
This year I have completed 2. 1) I took my very first ballet class. It was SUPER fun and I learned that I have more of a Latin dance physique then a ballet one...if you get my drift.
2) I participated in and completed a food eating challenge. I'm not sure why I wanted to do this one so bad but I always have. I noticed early on that I ate much more then any man around quite comfortably. There was also an incident when a very sweet skinny girl looked at my plate at a wedding buffet and exclaimed "I will pay you $10 if you can eat all that food!" It was slightly embarrassing because that was my first plate of food.
When we were in Gatlinburg my brother-in-law Tad/Tadley saw a roof top restaurant that looked yummy so we went there for dinner and I was all too thrilled to see they had a food challenge!! It was called "The Whole Chihuahua", I think because it was the weight of a small dog. It was a 5lb beef burrito with everything you could imagine in it. Including my nemesis, guacamole. I had an hour to eat it but I knew the time wouldn't be my problem. After some pep talks from my family I decided to give it a try. I was SUPER nervous and was getting queasier and queasier the longer it took to come out. I totally beat it though. I will say it tasted really good. My one bit of advice if you ever attempt a food challenge? Prepare for the texture wall. It will come.
For most of this I had no idea Josh was taping me so I am sorry I am not my usual dainty self ;)
2012/06/15
The Calming
When I was little I was TERRIFIED of thunder and lightning. I was sure it was nature trying to kill me. Whenever there was thunder or lightening I would ball up in a small space and plug my ears until it was over. Sometimes I would lay there for hours completely immobilized. If I was in the car it was even worse. I felt like we were driving but getting nowhere. That the storm was just watching us laughing and waiting to strike. Yes, I personify things that can't really think, and convince myself they are coming to get me. It explains a lot huh?
This behavior really annoyed my mom. I'm not sure why. Maybe I refused to go somewhere because it was raining or something. Either way she decided I needed to be cured of this fear. To do this she would make me sleep on the living room couch while listening to a record of a thunder storm. It didn't help. I should say it didn't help at the time. I do remember laying there thinking "I know this isn't a real storm" but I was still paralyzed in fear.
One time my dad and I were in the car on a several hour long trip when we hit a BIG storm. The kind where the sky turns black. In order to keep me calm and my eyes open my dad coaxed me into playing the alphabet game with him. If I reached the letter Z without hiding my face or plugging my ears then I would earn a fish sandwich from Hardees (a huge treat for us as kids). Anyone who knows me knows I'm a huge Daddy's girl. My guilt and drive to make him happy worked in his favor that day. I pushed through and made it all the way to the end. Although sometimes my knuckles were white as a held onto the door.
I don't remember this being a break through though. But then again I'm not really sure what the break through was. All I know is, now when it rains, I have a huge urge to be out in it. To feel the cool rain on me head, shoulders and face. I love the calm that comes over me as the thunder rumbles. It's like I can feel all my muscles relaxing and I can breath all the way in. It's calms me almost immediately and I love it.
This behavior really annoyed my mom. I'm not sure why. Maybe I refused to go somewhere because it was raining or something. Either way she decided I needed to be cured of this fear. To do this she would make me sleep on the living room couch while listening to a record of a thunder storm. It didn't help. I should say it didn't help at the time. I do remember laying there thinking "I know this isn't a real storm" but I was still paralyzed in fear.
One time my dad and I were in the car on a several hour long trip when we hit a BIG storm. The kind where the sky turns black. In order to keep me calm and my eyes open my dad coaxed me into playing the alphabet game with him. If I reached the letter Z without hiding my face or plugging my ears then I would earn a fish sandwich from Hardees (a huge treat for us as kids). Anyone who knows me knows I'm a huge Daddy's girl. My guilt and drive to make him happy worked in his favor that day. I pushed through and made it all the way to the end. Although sometimes my knuckles were white as a held onto the door.
I don't remember this being a break through though. But then again I'm not really sure what the break through was. All I know is, now when it rains, I have a huge urge to be out in it. To feel the cool rain on me head, shoulders and face. I love the calm that comes over me as the thunder rumbles. It's like I can feel all my muscles relaxing and I can breath all the way in. It's calms me almost immediately and I love it.
2012/06/07
It's Kind Of A Big Deal
This kid
Turned into
This kid
And I feel like I missed most of it.
Anyone who has known Isa around her birthday knows she is very particular about her cake. She usually plans/designs her cake for week before hand. At first it was just flip flopping back and for between chocolate and vanilla (chocolate usually won). Over the years however her tastes have grown. I think the peak was her 6th birthday. She requested a three tier cake. each tier was 2 different fruit flavors along with some type of fruit flavored filling. I should mention that when Isa turned 6 Emmeline was 9 months old. My stress level was pretty high but then again so was Isa's so I indulged. It was her birthday after all.
Here is the big cake.
When Josh told me that she had been telling him about another multi-tier cake I knew i needed to intervene. Not because I didn't want to bake it. I actually love baking. It was because I didn't want all that cake for just he 4 of us! After I told her I didn't think she should have another big cake she responded with "OK, can I look at Pinterest to find another cake?" I can't help but fee l I totally played into her hand. I quickly learned that there are some small cakes out there that i just can't make. She was looking at all kinds of fondant creations that I knew would look like a doughy mess if I tried them.
With a little convincing she settled on this one.
She also requested to help me this year. She really likes to bake. It was a lot of fun and WAY too much sugar for a non horse sized person.
When Isa got up she and Emmeline got to break through the birthday streamers.
Then she found fairy Hermione
I got Emmeline a similar tutu and wings so she would pester Isa for hers.
Mixing the cake
Licking the beaters. No, not the Weasley twins. ;)
Emmeline helped with sorting the colors. She is a great sorter.
Our finished cake
2012/05/26
I Can See Why You Would
I had had two terrible night sleep in a row because Emmeline has been waking up around 3 or 4 am and crying off and on every 45 minutes until morning. I was really looking forward to getting some good sleep and doped myself up with some phenergan before dinner last night.
As I was tucking Isabella in bad she said she didn't feel safe. When I asked why she said it was her window and someone could come in. After explaining that she was 3 stories up and it was very unlikely that someone had a 3 story ladder to get to her window she asked if it was "hammer and bullet proof". She really is my daughter.
After laughing about this with Josh a bit we watched our shows and went to bed. Half way through the night one of my biggest fears came as close to being true as I hope it ever does.
At around 3 am I heard several people yelling and running through the breezeway that connects that two stairwells and runs the entire length of our apartment. This isn't the first time this has happened but I still snap awake every time. They were banging and screaming and I was thinking "great! they are going to wake up Emmeline!" Then came one of the loudest bangs that I have ever heard and I realized something way worse might happen then Emmeline waking up. By then Josh was awake and up out of the bed. I'm not sure why I thought he was going to go outside but I still begged him not to. All I knew was that as long as we stayed inside there was at least a door between us and whatever had made that banging sound.
Josh called 911 and I went into the hall to try and hear what was going down. It didn't register with me why the door looked funny at first. I'm not sure I was totally awake yet. After I stared at it for another minute I was awake. They had tried to kick in our door. The whole bottom half was bent inward and the hinges were broken from the door frame. I stupidly inched forward to look though the peep hole to see if I could see anyone. If they were going to mess with my family I was going to make sure I could ID them darn it!! Some troublesome neighbors(I would later learn this was all their fault) were out in the stairwell as well. The kickers had already trashed our other neighbors plants and some blood had gotten sprayed as well.
Thankfully the police responded super fast and were there within a couple minutes. Which was really good because the kickers were getting worked up again and yelling. Once they saw the cop car they scattered. Luckily the police saw their car and hopped in and removed their car keys. This did not stop them from running on foot however.
In the end it was just some stupid drunk people yelling at other stupid drunk people until they decided to get physical about it (and not the good kind). In their drunken state they got turned around and thought our door was the other drunks door and decided to invite themselves in. Thank goodness drunk people can't shut up because the other drunks came out and asked "what the BLEEP they thought they were doing?!" after that first kick to our door.
I freak out just typing it. One more kick and they would have been in my house. There was nothing I could do about it. Nothing to keep them out. No way to protect my thankfully still sleeping children (this would not have helped my third floor case with Isabella). Total helplessness. I have never loved the police more. Still I felt guilty asking them to protect my family for me.
This terrifying experience has been a deciding factor for me. I want a gun. A big one. I want Ronan's gun.
As I was tucking Isabella in bad she said she didn't feel safe. When I asked why she said it was her window and someone could come in. After explaining that she was 3 stories up and it was very unlikely that someone had a 3 story ladder to get to her window she asked if it was "hammer and bullet proof". She really is my daughter.
After laughing about this with Josh a bit we watched our shows and went to bed. Half way through the night one of my biggest fears came as close to being true as I hope it ever does.
At around 3 am I heard several people yelling and running through the breezeway that connects that two stairwells and runs the entire length of our apartment. This isn't the first time this has happened but I still snap awake every time. They were banging and screaming and I was thinking "great! they are going to wake up Emmeline!" Then came one of the loudest bangs that I have ever heard and I realized something way worse might happen then Emmeline waking up. By then Josh was awake and up out of the bed. I'm not sure why I thought he was going to go outside but I still begged him not to. All I knew was that as long as we stayed inside there was at least a door between us and whatever had made that banging sound.
Josh called 911 and I went into the hall to try and hear what was going down. It didn't register with me why the door looked funny at first. I'm not sure I was totally awake yet. After I stared at it for another minute I was awake. They had tried to kick in our door. The whole bottom half was bent inward and the hinges were broken from the door frame. I stupidly inched forward to look though the peep hole to see if I could see anyone. If they were going to mess with my family I was going to make sure I could ID them darn it!! Some troublesome neighbors(I would later learn this was all their fault) were out in the stairwell as well. The kickers had already trashed our other neighbors plants and some blood had gotten sprayed as well.
Thankfully the police responded super fast and were there within a couple minutes. Which was really good because the kickers were getting worked up again and yelling. Once they saw the cop car they scattered. Luckily the police saw their car and hopped in and removed their car keys. This did not stop them from running on foot however.
In the end it was just some stupid drunk people yelling at other stupid drunk people until they decided to get physical about it (and not the good kind). In their drunken state they got turned around and thought our door was the other drunks door and decided to invite themselves in. Thank goodness drunk people can't shut up because the other drunks came out and asked "what the BLEEP they thought they were doing?!" after that first kick to our door.
I freak out just typing it. One more kick and they would have been in my house. There was nothing I could do about it. Nothing to keep them out. No way to protect my thankfully still sleeping children (this would not have helped my third floor case with Isabella). Total helplessness. I have never loved the police more. Still I felt guilty asking them to protect my family for me.
This terrifying experience has been a deciding factor for me. I want a gun. A big one. I want Ronan's gun.
That way, if something like this ever happens again there wont be much of the kicker left to ID.
2012/05/25
Closed When It Should Be Open, Open When It Should Be Closed
Emmeline had her first check up with her Opthamologist on Monday after getting her glasses earlier this year. After writing that her eyes were constantly over tearing since she was born, I finally made him check them and...he can't find her tear ducts. On most kids it would just be a blocked tear duct which is easy to fix under sedation. Sine it's Emmeline though he thinks it is actually an atresia of the drainage canal. This basically means she doesn't have an open passage from her eyes to her lower sinus so it can't drain properly. It kind of feels like if is should be open then it isn't and if it shouldn't be open it is (her heart). She has rotten luck. So now we have another surgery to look forward to. Not until this fall though because the specialist we need to see it going on vacation for 2 weeks in June so they are booked until sometime in August and that is just for the initial work up. Who knows how long it will take to get her in for surgery. I will be glad when all these openings and closings are done. I'm sure Emmeline can't either. I wonder how she will feel then?
2012/05/24
Never Too Late For Now...Or Is It?
My life has been pretty good this year. No major illnesses/changes for Emmeline. Isa has really enjoyed homeschooling with me. Josh finished his last year of course work for school EVER. Sounds pretty good when I type it out. Which is why I was pretty surprised last night when I was hit with a ton of depression bricks. It hasn't hit me that suddenly in quite some time.
Everyone was right. I have spent the last 3.5 years saying "as soon as this happens, I'll be happy/OK". Well, it is happening...and I'm not OK. Well, not right now as least. Everyone said I needed to work on finding happiness now and not base it on some future event. I'm exhausted. My body and mind have gone into hibernation and waking them up seems like so much work and I don't have so much energy. Part of me doesn't even care. I am totally OK leaving myself here. I know, however, that eventually I wont be fine with it and by then it will only be harder. I'm just so tired of work. In taking care of others I let myself slip. It just seems so hard.
I have tried expanding my horizons. Trying and creating new things. I thought it was working but I think all it did was distract me while I was working and then when I'm done it seems even more difficult.
I just get so angry with myself because I see people who have what I would call more difficult situations then me yet I still wallow. I still can't snap out of it and actually live my life. How do these other super cool people do it? Do they have days where they stay in their PJs all day, or just burst into tears? I like to think so. Not to know they are in pain but to make myself feel less like a loser. The plain truth is that my life hurts. To me. It physically hurts my body to try and process my life "issues" and move on. So, I let out what ever overflow emotions wont stay behind my emotion "dam" as quickly as possible and then ignore the rest. It usually involves, tears, mucus and peanut butter. It hurts and leaves me with an emotion hangover. I hate hangovers. Thus why I try and wait as long as possible to let any emotions out. It's better for everyone right? Don't answer that. I know I'm delusional. Wait, can I know that? If I know it am I really? Let's just say, I know I'm dysfunctional. I am pretty sure I can know that and still have it. I'm sensing another hangover soon and I dread it.
Everyone was right. I have spent the last 3.5 years saying "as soon as this happens, I'll be happy/OK". Well, it is happening...and I'm not OK. Well, not right now as least. Everyone said I needed to work on finding happiness now and not base it on some future event. I'm exhausted. My body and mind have gone into hibernation and waking them up seems like so much work and I don't have so much energy. Part of me doesn't even care. I am totally OK leaving myself here. I know, however, that eventually I wont be fine with it and by then it will only be harder. I'm just so tired of work. In taking care of others I let myself slip. It just seems so hard.
I have tried expanding my horizons. Trying and creating new things. I thought it was working but I think all it did was distract me while I was working and then when I'm done it seems even more difficult.
I just get so angry with myself because I see people who have what I would call more difficult situations then me yet I still wallow. I still can't snap out of it and actually live my life. How do these other super cool people do it? Do they have days where they stay in their PJs all day, or just burst into tears? I like to think so. Not to know they are in pain but to make myself feel less like a loser. The plain truth is that my life hurts. To me. It physically hurts my body to try and process my life "issues" and move on. So, I let out what ever overflow emotions wont stay behind my emotion "dam" as quickly as possible and then ignore the rest. It usually involves, tears, mucus and peanut butter. It hurts and leaves me with an emotion hangover. I hate hangovers. Thus why I try and wait as long as possible to let any emotions out. It's better for everyone right? Don't answer that. I know I'm delusional. Wait, can I know that? If I know it am I really? Let's just say, I know I'm dysfunctional. I am pretty sure I can know that and still have it. I'm sensing another hangover soon and I dread it.
2012/05/20
I Solemnly Swear I Have Been Up To Something Awesome!!
I have been really bursting to post about this but I wanted to get them all finished before I did in case it didn't work. So here there are!
The trio
I thought Hermione would be the easiest but her hair ended up being pretty difficult.
Her back
Ron's close up
The Boy Who Lived
The pillows I saw on Pinterest ($74 for 2!) had Harry with black eyes. Black!! I couldn't have that so I stayed true to the books and did green.
Isa (and I) really like them!!
They ended up being really difficult. Mostly because I am having trouble with my machine. It took a little over a week to get them done in my "spare" time with all the hand stitching I ended up dong. I even learned how to put in an invisible zipper! I LOVE them!
2012/05/18
Good God Lemon!!
A very happy birthday to the funniest woman I can think of!!!
Elizabeth Stamatina Fey
Yes, that's her real name.
2012/05/16
It Sucks!
I hate healthy food blogs. Well maybe not hate, but STRONGLY dislike. They always get me with the picture. I see some amazing dessert item and think "that looks so good! I can still eat that and be not fluffy?" The answer is yes I can. What you can't do is eat enough to actually satisfy your desire for a treat.
Serving size. That's were they get you. Yes there are low calorie cookies and brownies but the serving is a teaspoon. Seriously? A teaspoon? All that will do it make me want more so bad that I will cave and either eat 4 or 5 more or just go get what I really wanted (peanut butter). Both of those things make it pointless to even make said low calorie "treat".
Sometimes the dinners are even worse. They show a "huge" plate of whatever your favorite indulgence food happens to be and say something like "only 500 calories!!". I'm not saying they are lying. It probably is 500 calories. My beef is with the "huge" plate. On a food blog you can make things look any size you want. I think they intentionally buy tiny plates and cups to try and trick themselves into thinking they are eating more. Yes, I know that experts say to do this and that it actually works for most people. It works for me too. I get full...for about 30 minutes. Then I go after what I wanted in the first place (yes, peanut butter). On most food blogs that yummy looking pasta dish you thought would fill you up for 500 calories is in actuality 1 cup of food. 1 cup. For a whole meal. If any of you have spent more then 4 hours with a Perkins you know we lose our normal cheery dispositions when we want food. Which is why most of our loved ones make sure we are well fed. I can tell you that our normal desire for food is drastically larger when we are tired. If we are sleepy and tired then just head to the panic room.
I think I have figured out a way to remedy my problem...mostly. I only look for meals to make while I am eating my breakfast. I find this meal the most satisfying of the day. Probably because I am eating...you guessed it, peanut butter. Ultimately all I want it peanut butter. Meal searching while I eat it has roughly the same effect as watching the food network while you are eating cold cereal. It tricks your brain into thinking you are eating something yummy made by your personal chef. If I pick out dinners while I eat peanut butter then my brain sees something that will probably taste like peanut butter. I must have it.
You would think I would be really disappointed at dinner when in reality I am eating Broiled Broccoli and Garlic with something chicken or fish based, but oddly I'm not. This system seems to work for me. Maybe because by dinner I am feeling so guilty about whatever I ate earlier in the day that I don't feel I earned any more peanut butter? Quite possibly. I work really well with guilt. It's the one emotion I can for sure identify.
I wish these blog writers felt guiltier about leading everyone on in the mean way that they do. Don't they know there are tons of slightly mushy people looking at that plate and thinking "jackpot!!", only to have a huge let down when they see their huge plate and tiny serving? It sucks. All we want is peanut butter!!!
Serving size. That's were they get you. Yes there are low calorie cookies and brownies but the serving is a teaspoon. Seriously? A teaspoon? All that will do it make me want more so bad that I will cave and either eat 4 or 5 more or just go get what I really wanted (peanut butter). Both of those things make it pointless to even make said low calorie "treat".
Sometimes the dinners are even worse. They show a "huge" plate of whatever your favorite indulgence food happens to be and say something like "only 500 calories!!". I'm not saying they are lying. It probably is 500 calories. My beef is with the "huge" plate. On a food blog you can make things look any size you want. I think they intentionally buy tiny plates and cups to try and trick themselves into thinking they are eating more. Yes, I know that experts say to do this and that it actually works for most people. It works for me too. I get full...for about 30 minutes. Then I go after what I wanted in the first place (yes, peanut butter). On most food blogs that yummy looking pasta dish you thought would fill you up for 500 calories is in actuality 1 cup of food. 1 cup. For a whole meal. If any of you have spent more then 4 hours with a Perkins you know we lose our normal cheery dispositions when we want food. Which is why most of our loved ones make sure we are well fed. I can tell you that our normal desire for food is drastically larger when we are tired. If we are sleepy and tired then just head to the panic room.
I think I have figured out a way to remedy my problem...mostly. I only look for meals to make while I am eating my breakfast. I find this meal the most satisfying of the day. Probably because I am eating...you guessed it, peanut butter. Ultimately all I want it peanut butter. Meal searching while I eat it has roughly the same effect as watching the food network while you are eating cold cereal. It tricks your brain into thinking you are eating something yummy made by your personal chef. If I pick out dinners while I eat peanut butter then my brain sees something that will probably taste like peanut butter. I must have it.
You would think I would be really disappointed at dinner when in reality I am eating Broiled Broccoli and Garlic with something chicken or fish based, but oddly I'm not. This system seems to work for me. Maybe because by dinner I am feeling so guilty about whatever I ate earlier in the day that I don't feel I earned any more peanut butter? Quite possibly. I work really well with guilt. It's the one emotion I can for sure identify.
I wish these blog writers felt guiltier about leading everyone on in the mean way that they do. Don't they know there are tons of slightly mushy people looking at that plate and thinking "jackpot!!", only to have a huge let down when they see their huge plate and tiny serving? It sucks. All we want is peanut butter!!!
2012/05/15
My Night
Most of my decisions are ruled by fear. Who am I kidding. Most of my thoughts are ruled by fear. At any given moment at least 3 worst case scenarios are running through my head. I tell myself that is is so I will know how to react if those things ever happened. That by some miracle, I wouldn't be the one frozen in fear when the things in me head actually go down. I just noticed I said "when" not "if". very telling.
There is a lake I have to drive over every time I go south of Denton. I always stay in the far left lane so my car is as far from the water as possible, with one hand on my life hammer (thanks Matt), while planning out how many steps it would take to get me and the girls out of the car. I do this every time. Whenever I hear someone behind me I look around for anything I could use as a weapon. I always check the back seat before I get in. I try to not go out alone after dark.
Sometimes my fear planning goes to far. It's really hard to stop my brain once it starts down a certain scenario. It's my very own horror movie. I think of what I would do if someone hurt me or my kids. This of course leads me to how I would feel knowing they had been hurt. Everyone who knows me knows I constantly say I don't like how emotions make me feel. I have no fantasy filter. If I see it or think it it feels like it really happened. So for that sick moment I think my child has been molested, cut, stabbed, beaten or kidnapped. I try desperately to stop the scenario from playing out. It is kind of like trying to look at a word and not read it. Nearly impossible. So I quickly try and fill it with another "word". The damage has already been done though. I can't get it out. I just have to keep reminding myself that it didn't really happen. We are all fine. We are all fine. Right?
At first I thought this was a mommy brain thing I had developed along with forgetting how to add fractions. But when I thought about it I realized I have always done it. The first time I can really remember I was probably 6 or 7. My mom used to walk around our neighborhood to exercise. It would be light when she started but I knew she wouldn't get back before the sunset. That was the magical evil hour for me even then. That is when the bad people ran wild. The people with no parents or home. That only lived to torture us good people. You know the type. I was sure they would take my mother. They would wait for her in that wooded patch of the neighborhood and drag her into the darkness and we would never see her again. I would lay on the couch trying to tell myself these people weren't real. That there were lots of our good neighbors out in their yards and they would see her. I always told myself that if someone else could see you then you were safe. no one would take you then. It was the only way to talk myself down. Every time she walked I would wait there on the couch until she got home. A tiny nervous wreck. I am still a nervous wreck. Just not so tiny.
I never cared for forests. I think it was brought on by watching "The Watcher in The Woods" when I was a kid. Just the intro pushed me over the edge. I knew that whatever was watching them was no good. It wasn't real though. I know that.
In college I had a friend who was beaten, raped, stabbed and left for dead in woods by a friend of a friend she had given "a ride home". This only solidified my fears. They would take you into the woods. It could really happen. It wasn't just in my head or just in movies. Bad things do happen to good people.
My friend however, wasn't afraid. My nightmare had happened to her. She had a permanent reminder in her outward scars, nerve damage, and memories. It was real for her. But she pushed on. She refused to let her fear cripple her anymore then that terrible man already had. She didn't want to let him win. She participated in several "take back the night" walks on campus. I was too afraid. It was the night and they were waiting. She marched on, not allowing them to "take her night" as she would say. She inspires me. Granted it didn't help with my overactive imagination or my desire to "plan" but it let me know that if my plans didn't work it wouldn't be the end. But it could be if I let it. That I had to do my best to make the best of what I had. Whatever that might be. So here I am. Taking back my night.
There is a lake I have to drive over every time I go south of Denton. I always stay in the far left lane so my car is as far from the water as possible, with one hand on my life hammer (thanks Matt), while planning out how many steps it would take to get me and the girls out of the car. I do this every time. Whenever I hear someone behind me I look around for anything I could use as a weapon. I always check the back seat before I get in. I try to not go out alone after dark.
Sometimes my fear planning goes to far. It's really hard to stop my brain once it starts down a certain scenario. It's my very own horror movie. I think of what I would do if someone hurt me or my kids. This of course leads me to how I would feel knowing they had been hurt. Everyone who knows me knows I constantly say I don't like how emotions make me feel. I have no fantasy filter. If I see it or think it it feels like it really happened. So for that sick moment I think my child has been molested, cut, stabbed, beaten or kidnapped. I try desperately to stop the scenario from playing out. It is kind of like trying to look at a word and not read it. Nearly impossible. So I quickly try and fill it with another "word". The damage has already been done though. I can't get it out. I just have to keep reminding myself that it didn't really happen. We are all fine. We are all fine. Right?
At first I thought this was a mommy brain thing I had developed along with forgetting how to add fractions. But when I thought about it I realized I have always done it. The first time I can really remember I was probably 6 or 7. My mom used to walk around our neighborhood to exercise. It would be light when she started but I knew she wouldn't get back before the sunset. That was the magical evil hour for me even then. That is when the bad people ran wild. The people with no parents or home. That only lived to torture us good people. You know the type. I was sure they would take my mother. They would wait for her in that wooded patch of the neighborhood and drag her into the darkness and we would never see her again. I would lay on the couch trying to tell myself these people weren't real. That there were lots of our good neighbors out in their yards and they would see her. I always told myself that if someone else could see you then you were safe. no one would take you then. It was the only way to talk myself down. Every time she walked I would wait there on the couch until she got home. A tiny nervous wreck. I am still a nervous wreck. Just not so tiny.
I never cared for forests. I think it was brought on by watching "The Watcher in The Woods" when I was a kid. Just the intro pushed me over the edge. I knew that whatever was watching them was no good. It wasn't real though. I know that.
In college I had a friend who was beaten, raped, stabbed and left for dead in woods by a friend of a friend she had given "a ride home". This only solidified my fears. They would take you into the woods. It could really happen. It wasn't just in my head or just in movies. Bad things do happen to good people.
My friend however, wasn't afraid. My nightmare had happened to her. She had a permanent reminder in her outward scars, nerve damage, and memories. It was real for her. But she pushed on. She refused to let her fear cripple her anymore then that terrible man already had. She didn't want to let him win. She participated in several "take back the night" walks on campus. I was too afraid. It was the night and they were waiting. She marched on, not allowing them to "take her night" as she would say. She inspires me. Granted it didn't help with my overactive imagination or my desire to "plan" but it let me know that if my plans didn't work it wouldn't be the end. But it could be if I let it. That I had to do my best to make the best of what I had. Whatever that might be. So here I am. Taking back my night.
2012/05/11
The End Of Another Season
Emmeine LOVES to ride. That is a huge understatement. She really opens but and progresses faster every time she has lessons. Nothing can get her to talk like riding. They only do 12 week sessions in the fall and spring because it gets to darn hot for the riders and horses. Emmeline really misses it between sessions. There is always a few weeks where she tries to give me directions to the stables. Yes she knows how to drive there. It is such an amazing opportunity that we wouldn't be able to have some where else. We had a new instructor this session and she was great. Emmeline really progressed this year. We tried to new therapy where we would blindfold her while she was riding to try and develop whatever if any of her vestibular system was working. She did pretty well with it. She really likes to be in control so not being able to see was hard for her. She even did two point once with it on! She is also very in to getting her picture taken lately so we did some end of the session shots today. Pretty cute.
Her new instructor
her favorite thing about getting her picture taken is looking at them after
Picking her favorite
This was another big step for her. sensory wise treat time is a lot.
2012/05/10
All About My Isa
Well, mostly. When I was at the hospital for Emmeline's MRI and CT earlier this week I saw a lot of families come and go int he waiting area. I found myself wondering what their lives were like. How for some of them this was probably new and scary and for others it routine. I was am on the routine side at this point. The only thing that was new for me was when a Nurse gave me a Starbucks gift card because they were running late. Never had a hospital care about that before.
As I sat their thinking about everyone else's life I found myself lingering on one family in particular. It was a family of 4. Mom, Dad, Brother and Sister. The Brother had special needs. He was scared and antsy. The Sister, although younger, was doing her best to distract him while they waited. She was patient, and loving. You could really see that. Only adults can go back to the procedure area. When it came time for her brother to go the Mom stood up to go back with him. You could see the little girl get upset. She wanted to stay with her Mother. She was probably about 5 or 6 and just as upset as her Brother was about what was going to happen, she was just trying to hide it from him. Her Mom turned and gave the same little speech I myself have given so many times "It will be fine (Emmeline) just needs me right now. I'll be back as soon as I can. Don't worry." Don't worry. Yeah right.
They worry and they worry a lot. About their sibling, you and your spouse, about everyone and everything. Listening to Isa tell people about her sister has been heartbreaking and heart warming for me. It is interesting to see how she perceives everything that has happened to us. Having a sibling with special needs is hard. Isa would never say that though. I've tried to have little conversations with her about how it must be hard. How sometimes it must bother her that Emmeline needs so much extra everything. How she wont stay out of anything. Isa has gotten down right offended at the thought of that. "It's Emmeline" she says. She has loved her from the moment we told her I was pregnant. That love has never wavered. Even for a moment. "It's Emmeline." Nothing even resembling resentment has ever come out of Isa's mouth. She loves her sister. Better yet, she thinks she's cool.
She plays with her, teaches her, stands up for her, and annoys the living daylights out of her. They connect. All Isa wants to do is help Emmeline grow and be happy. Sometimes to the point of driving Emmeline crazy but Isa never gives up. Her love and devotion amaze me. She has sacrificed so much of the things I'm sure a child her age would rather be doing. I've had to say "no we can't because Emmeline has..." so many times I would think she would hate her. But she doesn't. She loves her more. She is her playground advocate, and her best friend. It comes naturally for them. You can see the connection. I must admit I am slightly jealous. But oh, so very happy and very, very grateful for my sweet Isabella Scott and the amazing big sister she is.
I had a very hard time choosing pictures for this post but in the end I just had to pick at random. Just know that there are hundreds more just like these. With a sister caring and loving so much I can' help but smile every time I see that we were able to capture one.
As I sat their thinking about everyone else's life I found myself lingering on one family in particular. It was a family of 4. Mom, Dad, Brother and Sister. The Brother had special needs. He was scared and antsy. The Sister, although younger, was doing her best to distract him while they waited. She was patient, and loving. You could really see that. Only adults can go back to the procedure area. When it came time for her brother to go the Mom stood up to go back with him. You could see the little girl get upset. She wanted to stay with her Mother. She was probably about 5 or 6 and just as upset as her Brother was about what was going to happen, she was just trying to hide it from him. Her Mom turned and gave the same little speech I myself have given so many times "It will be fine (Emmeline) just needs me right now. I'll be back as soon as I can. Don't worry." Don't worry. Yeah right.
They worry and they worry a lot. About their sibling, you and your spouse, about everyone and everything. Listening to Isa tell people about her sister has been heartbreaking and heart warming for me. It is interesting to see how she perceives everything that has happened to us. Having a sibling with special needs is hard. Isa would never say that though. I've tried to have little conversations with her about how it must be hard. How sometimes it must bother her that Emmeline needs so much extra everything. How she wont stay out of anything. Isa has gotten down right offended at the thought of that. "It's Emmeline" she says. She has loved her from the moment we told her I was pregnant. That love has never wavered. Even for a moment. "It's Emmeline." Nothing even resembling resentment has ever come out of Isa's mouth. She loves her sister. Better yet, she thinks she's cool.
She plays with her, teaches her, stands up for her, and annoys the living daylights out of her. They connect. All Isa wants to do is help Emmeline grow and be happy. Sometimes to the point of driving Emmeline crazy but Isa never gives up. Her love and devotion amaze me. She has sacrificed so much of the things I'm sure a child her age would rather be doing. I've had to say "no we can't because Emmeline has..." so many times I would think she would hate her. But she doesn't. She loves her more. She is her playground advocate, and her best friend. It comes naturally for them. You can see the connection. I must admit I am slightly jealous. But oh, so very happy and very, very grateful for my sweet Isabella Scott and the amazing big sister she is.
When she's worried
When she cuddles
When she comforts
When she supports
When her seat on the couch gets stolen
When she has to share her blanket
When she brightens the day
When she "loves" so much
When she teaches
Whens she just wants one picture!
When Emmeline has to be queen of the tower
When it's really her day but she shares the spotlight
When she wants to be silly
When she loves to dress up
When it's already been a long, long day
I had a very hard time choosing pictures for this post but in the end I just had to pick at random. Just know that there are hundreds more just like these. With a sister caring and loving so much I can' help but smile every time I see that we were able to capture one.
2012/05/08
Emmeline "Counting"
We work on counting a lot in school with Emmeline. Lately she has really been trying to participate in that. The other day I found her like this. I love when they do therapeutic things all on their own. She is stacking some little wooden shapes. Great for fine motor skills.
2012/04/24
Before And Now
Here is yet another milestone that my little CHARGEr has accomplished ahead of what was expected.
Walking.
Most kids with CHARGE dont' walk unassisted before age 5. We were blessed enough to meet some amazing people here in Denton who among other things lent us their son's first walker. It was SUPER tiny. We had been having trouble finding one small enough. Even ECI, who works with kids Birth to age 3 didn't have one small enough. Emmeline took right off in it and hasn't stopped since. Sadly I had plenty of videos of her walking in it but no pictures :( So the before pictures are in a loner walker. Either way they show just how tiny she was in it and how big she is now. We just had to return the super tiny walker to the owner and it was really hard to let go.
Walking.
Most kids with CHARGE dont' walk unassisted before age 5. We were blessed enough to meet some amazing people here in Denton who among other things lent us their son's first walker. It was SUPER tiny. We had been having trouble finding one small enough. Even ECI, who works with kids Birth to age 3 didn't have one small enough. Emmeline took right off in it and hasn't stopped since. Sadly I had plenty of videos of her walking in it but no pictures :( So the before pictures are in a loner walker. Either way they show just how tiny she was in it and how big she is now. We just had to return the super tiny walker to the owner and it was really hard to let go.
Here is a video I took of her in her tiny walker. It just goes to show that I wasn't in "enjoy my kid" mode but fully stuck in "medical mode". Emmeline is cute either way. For those of you wondering that foot thing straightened out on it's own.
The tongue helps with balance of course.
All grown up. She got so excited when I brought the walker out. Now she just picks is up and carries it or just hunches over.
Her "I AM smiling" face.
2012/04/21
A Little Rocking Out And Recycling
Sometimes a girl just needs to rock out!
I needed a filler gift for Josh on Christmas a few years ago. I got him a shirt with a record player on it. Apparently he didn't care for it much. I liked it though so I was pretty happy when he pulled it out to go in the giveaway pile. New shirt for me! It was however to big to wear for a day to day shirt. So I shrank it! It turned out pretty well. A bit snugger in certain areas then I wanted but after I drop my extra poundage it should be fine.
Before
I am TERRIBLE at remembering to take pictures during projects so this is all I got.
After. I didn't have Isa to take my picture that time.
Directions can be found here
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