A Few Things I've Done When I Wasn't Crying

So I think it's pretty obvious from several of my previous posts that I cry more then the average adult woman. But I am occasionally do things other then cry. surprising i know but after a while i get pretty dehydrated so...here are a few things i did during my cry breaks.

I built another book shelf!



some time about a year ago i built the first one. The plans had enough wood for two but i was totally exhausted after the first one and i'm sure my neighbors were tired of hearing me hammer, so i opted to save the wood for another time. i decided spring break was "another time". It started off just as bad if not worse then the first. this time i had emmeline all over me so that made it a bit harder. i gave up after the wood kept splitting. after called josh to complain about it i decided that i had not stored that wood in my dining room for a year only to throw it out and i was going to build a bookshelf out of it no matter what. once again i learned how amazing wood filler and sand paper are. i think i actually like it better then the first but that might have something to do with the lack of aquatic color choices.



Then i decided to revamp my coupon storage system. any couponer knows what an undertaking that can be.

here is how i used to carry my coupons around. this bag could weigh anywhere between 20-45 pounds. plus my purse and a wiggly Emmeline. it was tough getting up the 3 flights to the apartment.


here are the insides of the bag



next i had to clip all the coupons i would need. this is somewhat of a judgement call as i didn't want to cut out everything. in the end it was still alot but i'll figure out exactly what i need over the next few weeks.



then i has to organize them by my categories.





then loaded them in my binder.


i LOVE the finished product. i can find whatever i need super fast now.
josh helped me come up with the name. pretty cool.



my scissor/calculator pocket




my store coupon policy pocket.


It is so nice to finally be done with this. it took a lot longer then i thought it would. it is super nice to be out and find something on clearance and be able to flip in my book to see if i have a coupon. saves to much time and makes full use of my coupons.

so there. no need to call DSS quite yet. i occasionally do productive things.

A Little Spring Break

We didn't do quite as much this spring break as last year but we tried to do at least a few fun family things. I already mentioned a few posts ago that we went to the Fort Worth Museum of Science and History. We got a membership to the Dallas Nature and Science Museum last year for spring break so this year we opted to try Fort Worth. This is it's second year open. It ended up being smaller then Dallas but has some really neat stuff for Isa's age. The one thing i found kind of annoying/weird is that there are separate lines for each exhibit area that you have to wait in. luckily the lines moved pretty fast.

they had the huge lite brite like Discovery Place. Isa was really into matching up all the colors.


Em even got the hang of the pegs. she didn't appreciate being interrupted though.


They had an exhibit on loan from Boston about China. Emmeline really enjoyed learning to write Chinese.


i was pretty disappointed when we found the water area. we asked about this specifically when we got our membership. em can barely reach over the side.


Isabella is like a little monkey whenever she gets the chance.


we were trying to explain to her that little sisters want to do everything their big sisters do so she should probably stop being so adventurous in front of em.


Isa though it was pretty cool how loud they were.


This is the entrance to the children's area. in my opinion it was the coolest part.


The BIG news of the day was...EMMELINE PLAYED IN THE SANDBOX!!!!!
this was a huge deal to me. she has some sensory issues, especially with her right hand. we have been trying to get her to play in sand forever and she really, really didn't like it. for some reason today was the day.




helping isa dig up dinosaur bones


not really sure what she is doing other then her never ending goal to get as dirty as possible whenever we are out.


funny face


more digging


other then the fact that emmeline completely refused to eat her lunch later, surprise surprise it was a pretty good day. we even got to go to mellow mushroom in fort worth while we were there.

Gone

i spend most of my time either cleaning or thinking about cleaning. i think most moms of young children do. we are either working our tails off trying to keep up or taking a break realizing how long it will take to catch up after we are done eating our well earned cookies.
well, i was actually trying the "keeping up with things" today. being cleaning day and all.
as i got to the living room i found the stethoscope.
i felt like i had been hit by a ton of bricks. i sat. there in the middle of the living room i felt more then my 30 years. 30 is a pivotal year for me. my own life crisis. in my mind this is the year to either do things or give them up forever. i know that isn't exactly logical but it doesn't change what my internal clock is feeling.
in reality i probably gave up my dream of being a doctor many, many years ago. but the reality of that situation brought me to my butt today. my lungs felt tight and the tears came, as they often do lately.
it's just gone. it's not that it slipped through my fingers. it's that i put it in the back like so many other things. it just seems to have grown mold and become unsalvageable. i know some people have gone to medical school at an older age but lets be real. I can't. for so many reasons. i can't because it would cost my family to much. not just money but everything. it's just gone.
so, i made a choice. i decided to leave it. i couldn't put it away. it was to symbolic. so there it lays in the middle of my living room floor. until one of the girls carries it away. like they so often do.

Long Ago in a Kingdom Far Far Away...

There lived a slightly butch brunette princess with a sparkle in her eye and a spring in her step. she got to do lots of things she loved. running, sleeping, scrapbooking, sewing, going to the park, playing in the yard, reading, going to school, and cooking.
then one day a new queen came to her kingdom. She was an evil queen. the princess tired to make her happy but nothing would please the queen. nothing except the princess's tears. she would smile in pleasure as the tears streamed down the poor princess's face. soon, she banished the princess to the kitchen. the princess would make all kinds of treats for the queen in an effort to please her, but nothing was good enough. enraged by the awful food the queen would eat it just to throw it up so she could smile as the princess washed the floors with her tears.
This went on for years. the queen came up with new ways to torment the poor princess who wanted nothing but the queen's approval. eventually the princess had a new list of things she did, though she did not love them. they were more of a list of things she DID NOT do before. before the queen.
she did not beg for someone to eat
she did not forget the last time she showered
she did not run out of food because she forgot to buy any
she did not cry in the shower
she did not cry in public
she did not cry in her closet while eating the candy she hid there
she did not have candy hidden in her closet
she did not own a throw up cleaning machine (carpet cleaner)
she did not stay inside for days or weeks at a time
The queen delighted in adding to her "did not" list. each item brought more sadness to the princess while the queen felt greater satisfaction in her success. as time wore on the princess's sparkle began to fade. her spring became a limp. yet the torment continued. nothing would satisfy the queen. she needed more tears.
readers love happy stories. well, this is the wrong fairytale for you. the queen wins. always . you might think you see the light at the end of the tunnel. it's just her. coming to laugh at your tears.

More Later

so...we went to the fort worth children's museum today. It was pretty fun. We got some cute pictures that i will be trying to post tomorrow. I just had to post this annoying tidbit though. Right after we got there and bought out tickets and Isa got into an activity, the fire alarm went off. At first i thought it was a sound effect for one of the exhibits. it was that quiet. anyway that isn't the annoying part. after they started evacuating everyone i got Isa and calmly (seriously) told her there would be alot of people trying to get out so to stay very close to me and we followed josh and em to the door.
at this point the women behind me apparently thought she was either going to die or thought she was the only one trying to leave the building. she ran into the back of my leg. i let it go, there were alot of people. she immediately did it again. i turned around, not only did she not apologize, she ran into me again while i was looking at her. i figured evacuating for a fire wasn't the time to start something. i moved to the other side of the hallway as quickly as i could. i kept my eyes on her to make sure i stayed away from her. i thought maybe she didn't know she was running into me since i hadn't said anything to her. while watching i noticed her hit 4 more people. pretty much EVERYONE she was behind. several people turned and said something to her. she would give them a blank slightly annoyed look and as they would move away she would hit the next person in front of her!
the thing is she wasn't really in a hurry. it's not like she was freaking out about trying to get out. as far as i could tell, she was just rude, self centered and inconsiderate. for some reason she really got under my skin. i even heard several more people outside talking about the "lady" who hit them with her stroller and it just got my angrier and angrier. It is people like this i just want to beat repeatedly while yelling "there are other people in the world! you are not THAT important!"

You're Doing It Wrong

Yes that too, but that is another post. Hehe.

Anyway, kids shows now suck. What are Tv executives thinking. Are their choices for writers and creators that bad? i feel like i am getting dumber and dumber the more kids shows i watch. no wonder more kids have speech delays now then when we were kids. These shows are killing their brain cells. there are a few exceptions. most of the shows on pbs are passable. i love some Word Girl and Martha Speaks, not to mention The Electric Company. Disney has a few that are OK. The Mickey Mouse clubhouse keeps my super villain happy so it keeps me happy.
If I could slowly torture pretty much everyone at Nick Jr i would do it. they deserve it. Here are my issues with Nick Jr shows.

1) THEY YELL EVERYTHING!!!! annoying huh?
i think they all probably failed their infant hearing screening but rather then get a hearing aid they just decided to make everyone else yell.

2) their characters have HUGE heads.
i mean come on, the world isn't run by bobble heads.

3) There is a complete lack of parental involvement
Where are the parents!!??
every baby animal the wonder pets save ends up running home to their parents who always say "oh, i was so worried about you" really?! then were the heck were you while these 3 school house pets saved your kid!? let alone supervising them so they didn't do something like say play on a dangerous roof?
in Kai-lan (HUGE head!) her grandfather makes token appearances but never corrects that stupid tiger rintoo when he is being to rough or just plain mean. Those animals are throwing temper tantrums left and right. get it together gramps. i think you are a little to old to be left alone with the "kids" anymore.
hey, if my kid yelled all the time i would probably wander off and let someone else bail them out too.

4) Everything works out the second time around.
if at first you don't succeed try, try again. if you fail again, just quit, you're no good at it. every time there is something a character can't do, if they just do it a second time it works. what exactly are we teaching kids here? no wonder isa wants to quite things left and right. i guess when she can do it perfect the second time we will know we found the money maker.

5) (this is more of a side note) They are culturally insensitive.
there is a wonder pets episode that really gets under my skin. they save the fiddler crab on the roof. that's right. an implied JEWISH crab. he even had an accent! (please no Jewish jokes). i am incredibly sensitive about Judaism. i know, i know, i'm not Jewish. it just bothers me. why would you have a non-kosher animal portray a Jew? seriously.

cartoons from when i was a kid might not have been "educational" but at least they weren't teaching me bad life skills.

i didn't think i could really bounce out of trouble like the gummi bears or make someone be nice to me with a care bear stare (another post entirely). I knew that i couldn't access a magical door and play with the fluppys. i did however manage to learn my numbers, colors, letters, reading, writing, etc without those being part of my TV line up. granted i did yell a lot but who wouldn't when you are the youngest of 5 kids?

so, come on tv people, do your kids watch this stuff? if so, spend more time with them and you'll see how annoying it is and how annoying they will become without a little parental interference.

Super Cute's Nemisis

When Isabella was little we called her super cute. Well, on her first birthday my super cool sister Katie Drew a picture of Isabella dressed as a super hero, cape and all. She aptly named her Super Cute, the super hero who dazzles the world with her cuteness. She also made her a little super hero outfit with a cape and everything. very cool.

In the movie Megamind there is a cool quote. "Where ever there is evil, good will rise up against it". I think this also holds true for good and evil. This means that since Isa is my super hero, Emmeline is, you guesses it, my super villain. She is very good at torture, ignoring the minion/minions, incredible endurance and waiting until you show happiness and the squishing it. Isa will come swooping in when em is being exceptionally mean and try to help the situation, in true super hero fashion.

I mentioned to Katie that maybe we should do a picture for Em as a super villain. The problem we are facing is that we need a cool super villain name. it seems like it should have something to do with puke but it's hard to come up with a scary/cool name with puke in it so...
Ideas?

Zero

When I was in college I took and educational psychology class during my very brief stint as an education major. In this class we took a creativity test. I got a zero. That's right I have absolutely zero creativity. When I tell people about it they usually say the same thing. "Of course you have some creativity, everyone does!".
Today Josh and I watched a TED speaker who talked about how modern education is killing creativity. He said he judges creativity on the usefulness of an original idea. I am pretty sure in those parameters I am a zero. I have a super hard time coming up with original ideas. Well, as long as I am given no examples I might be able to come up with something passable, maybe.
I love pottery. Well, as long as I can keep my hands wet. It always amazed me all the tings you can do with clay. It can be made to look like pretty much anything. Even though it is something I feel inspires me I still can't come up with original stuff. I guess in a sense what I make is original because even though I love it, I am still terrible at copying so it doesn't really end up looking very much like what i am trying to replicate. not for lack of trying though.
i wish i had creativity. when I try to be creative I usually enjoy it. It relaxes me. That is until I sit back and look at what I have been working so hard on. Then I get kind of depressed at what looks like a pre-K art project. It would be nice if my enjoyment were better reflected in my finished piece.
Either way, I don't really think any of my attempts could be called useful.

Cuddle Time

We had almost a week off of school a few weeks ago because we got hit with quite the ice then snow storm. in Texas. i guess this stuff follows us. either way it was great. we had elephant ears, watched movies, and most importantly cuddled. Isabella and Emmeline were very cute. Isa LOVES being a big sister and Emmeline loves letting her.


Isabella made a little bed for her in this laundry basket.


she stayed in it for a LONG time. she was a little annoyed that i made Isa move so i could get a picture of just her.


this was the souvenir Emmeline picked at disneyworld. josh held up several to choose from and she jumped out of the stroller to try and get it. she wouldn't let him go. now she sleeps with him every night.


a closer look at the cuteness.

What Happens When Em Abuses Me and Isa Asks Sweetly

So Emmeline has been beyond terrible two's lately. She cries and screams for me and then when I come to her she hits and kicks me. I find the VERY overstimulating. It's like auditory torture for the first part and then physical for the next. All my senses hit overload. She wont have josh or Isa unless I'm not here and she has checked every room of the house for me. I went to the store the day before yesterday and she screamed herself hoarse. I had to get out of there. I'm sure the other patrons at the store thought I was in am abusive relationship with the way I looked and moped through the store. well, I guess I am. Ii just can't tell people about it without sounding like a wuss. "Yeah, my 2 year old is abusive". "No, really".

Let's just add that I have perfected "angry eating". I am normally very strict about what I eat. especially now that I can't workout. not anymore. After a day of "not good enough" by her majesty I look forward to having some Reese's whatever is in my bowl, and cabinet and closet. I have more candy then regular food storage. I imagine yelling at her that there is nothing wrong with my "food" and if she wont eat it then I will! Totally mentally stable right? Yeah...I know.

Anyway, Isa wanted a pumpkin pie. She hugged me and smiled so sweetly, so...she got one. I'd make her ten if she wanted them. Just to thank her. For being her. And to "angry eat" later of course.








I should have also taken this one in the dining room. Those had a much better pumpkin color. Either way, "angry eating" here I come.

The Pinch

So, I learned alot from my friend Jessika. One of the most important was to take my health very seriously. Today I did something I haven't done in 2.5 years. I know, too long. Anyway. I got my cervix pinched. Of course that isn't what it's really called but that is totally what they do. I mean if they called it a cervix pinching text who would get one? Not this girl. I think a dude named it. Not that PAP smear is much better. But at least it doesn't sound painful. Which it is. For hours. On the up side I have a doctor now. For Me. I wont get the results for a few weeks but I already feel better. Even though it took two hours at the office it was nice to be doing something for me, alone. Plus it gave me a jump start on the book for book club next month. (my pick).

Lacking?

After we got he news about Em's ASD i started telling people she would need surgery. i let doctors, friends and family know. after telling people all day josh made a comment that i have often wondered about. it was along the lines that he would rather not plan of her having surgery but hope that the hole might still close. i took that as faith that the hole would close. maybe that wasn't what he meant but it got me thinking.

does planning for the thing that looks like it is going to happen as opposed to what you want to have happen mean you have a lack of faith?

i have wicked bad anxiety, especially about decision making. so it is really hard for me to differentiate between anxiety and inspiration. usually i just try and cover my bases if it has to do with health and safety and just do it either way.
what if i just went with the hole closing on it's own and then we need surgery and i am totally unprepared? i realize it probably shouldn't be one way or the other but when it comes to decisions that's how i roll. i always think of the line from Say Anything where the girl says she always assumes the worst will happen so when it doesn't she is pleasantly surprised. that's me to a tea.

so do i wish the hole would close alone? yes, very much. would i go with that and not get ready for it? nope. so maybe i am lacking faith. faith that the hole will be gone next time we check. however, i do have faith that i am doing EVERYTHING i can do keep this kiddo alive and i'll take all the help i can get.

don't get me wrong. i'm not arguing semantics or anything. just pondering.

My New Catch Phrase

Most people know I really, really hate stupid people. Now, that doesn't mean I don't like people who didn't get an education. Although I only like them in moderation. The people I am talking about are the people who think rules don't apply to them, don't use common sense and don't think before they speak, among other things. I just have to patience for those who know better.

Those that read my blog know Emmeline's medical situation is complicated at best. Her cardiologist said absolutely no nursery at church until after her surgery. Well, that pretty much means never. By the time we get the ASD repaired she will go into older classes anyway. That being said, the decision about nursery is totally up to me and Josh. There are a few other people I would let know our decision and maybe at listen to theirs.
Anyway, I was approached by someone who doesn't fall on either group. Emmeline was eating a snack as he waled up. This is how it went down. (what I wish I said is in parenthesis).

him: Those look like yummy snacks.
me: Yep she really likes them.
him: You know where else they have really yummy snacks...nursery.
me: (UM WHAT!!???) Yeah I bet they do.
him: So, [at Emmeline] are you ready to go to nursery?
me: Smiling (I want to kick you and then slam your head into the wall)
him: Or should I be asking if mommy is ready to let you go into nursery?
me: (screw it you are a dead man). Smaller smile.
him:[turning to me with a judgmental smile] So are you?
me: [trying to keep my tone level]. I never had a problem "letting" her go to nursery, she loves it. But her cardiologist said she can't go until her heart is repaired so she doesn't die. [this was followed by the "Say something now B*^&%" stare].
him: Fumbling about how he had something to do. (a little to late).

Sadly I was so taken aback by this encounter so i couldn't properly make him feel as dumb as he sounded and deserved. I'm sure I'll get another chance though.

When it comes to picking up Isabella from school I either leave so I get there 30 minutes before school gets out to be first in line or when school has been out for 10 minutes so the line is already moving. This way I can't see the line cutters, and there always are some. Well, Em has been sleeping later so I ended up doing the latter. I thought I was safe. I guess my hopes were too high. There is a lot of stopping and going as they feed cars into the line to get you kid loaded into your car. Some people, (including me) don't like it so we wait until there is a little space and then pull up. That way there isn't all that silly brake tapping. Well, the guy behind me didn't like that and when the gap went past him, he cut across the other lane of traffic, onto the playground and u-turned and passed 25 cars!! Um hello! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE!!!!! I hate you! And all the little children do too!
What kills me is they felt totally justified in doing that. Where are you from?! I think I am just going to start checking Isabella out of school everyday through the front office since these parents have no self control.

I am generally able to bottle up my rage like every healthy person should but when it comes to people like this I have come up with my new favorite catch phrase. I find it is applicable in so many situations and would help society quite a bit.

They should be put down.

Isa's Valentine Party

Even though em's doctors would probably frown about it, we went to isa's school party. There are some things where i demand to be normal. anyway, it was pretty fun. really crazy since it is just one big sugar eating fest. i managed to remember my camera for the first time ever. this apparently made me look like a pro because the classroom mom roped me into taking head shots of all the kids for the teachers end of the year present. i thought it wouldn't be so bad and i could get most of their pics that day but most of them had stained teeth or a ring around their mouths from eating so much candy so that was out. not sure when I'll be able to get them without the teacher catching on but we will see.




Isa and Mik

Isa ans her very best friend


Class shot!

Silly class shot. we had to remind them that they could be silly but to make sure they weren't hurting their neighbor!

A New Friend?

So, Emmeline is FAR from being ready to potty train. she has no idea what we are doing when we go to the bathroom, can't even approximate the word potty, and doesn't care when she is wet or dirty. however, i have begun to realize with this kid that she makes me do something for about 6 months before she will pay attention to me about it. it's like she is waiting to see if I'm serious about it or not. so...we gto a potty. I think it's cute.




Emmeline not so much.



going to Isa for protection



finally warming up to what i can only assume she thinks is a new chair.



we have tried sitting on it several times a day since we go tit and she humors me. it's extra tricky to teach em to pee in the potty because the child barely pees since we keep her on the verge of being dehydrated in hopes it will make her thirsty enough to drink by mouth. maybe this summer. either way it's cute. that's all that matters right?

Stopping

i have been in a real funk. death is never an easy thing. the circumstances in this case make it even harder for me. i find myself bursting into tears of rage and anger. the kids keep looking at me weird. the tears keep coming, and coming. lucky i havn't burst into tears in front of a total stranger yet but it has only been two days. i feel sick. physically. i can't seem to shake it. it's probably from stress but it stresses me out knowing if i would just calm down i wouldn't be sick. other people sad makes me sad, and there are a lot of sad people. music makes it worse. feelings make me uncomfortable. i have always had an easier time embracing my emotions though music. pretty much any emotion. that is not to say i have an easier time dealing with me emotions through music but i can at least figure out what they are. baby steps right? either way i stop. just stop and stare, several times a day. when it becomes to much.

many beautiful things have been said about jessika. i don't think i can top them or even come close. her family amazes me. she amazes me.

A Dozen Boogie Robots!

Isabella picked a really cute valentine this year for "us" to make. They ended up being really complicated and time consuming. of course. every time i looked at them i couldn't help but think of that line. Boogie!!!!



close up. those aluminum foil arms were the bane of my existence. and i had to make WAY more then 1 dozen.


this giant one is for her teacher.

Really, Really Ridiculously Good Looking

Taking pictures of emmeline is super hard. lets be honest, when her head hangs over to the side like she does it makes her look super disabled. That makes me sad and freaks me out a little bit. also, she is the WORST blinker in the world. the red eye reducer gets her almost all of the time. so, when i managed to get these shots, where her head isn't hanging to bad and her eyes were open (mostly) i knew i hit the jack pot.



Trying to act uninterested.



deciding if i am interesting enough to keep her attention.



Finally coaxing a smile



rubbing the flash from her eyes. hey, it hurts to keep them open. i had to trick her a little.



Oh yeah, i have that other kid. isabella has reached that stage where is is hard to get anything but a very posed picture or a scowl. lucky she was sucked into Word Girl so she didn't notice me.

Josh's fault

so... i have been collecting pictures to do a really cute post of emmeline and isa. josh stole them last night and posted them to his facebook before i got to post them to my blog. no, i hadn't waited a really long time to get them off the card either. so, if you want to see them i guess you should go to his facebook.

WHY!?

I HATE America's Funniest Videos!!!!!! the show consists of nothing but practical jokes, manipulation, crotch shots, and cruelty. Why do people think it is so funny to watch someone be afraid or hurt? josh and isa love it. they even call me over to see ones they say are "so funny". the one that sent me over the edge today though was one josh even rewound for me to see. it was a baby. very cute wide eyed little boy. his "mother" was winding a jack-in-the box. as the song progressed you could see the baby was getting upset. his breathing became faster, his eyes wider and his lip started to quiver. the "mother" kept going. until the jack-in-the box popped out and scared the baby, making him burst into tears of fear! all to be on AFV. WHY IS THIS FUNNY?!?!?!?! ( i put mother in "" because i sincerely hope it wasn't his real mother who did this). i find it really disturbing that people enjoy watching other people upset. I realize this makes me sound totally old and like i have no sense of humor. but anyone who knows me knows that isn't true. plus if i have to like this to have a sense of humor i think i'll pass.

Blerg

So Isa called to me from her room this morning while i was feeding Em to tell me she threw up. great. emmeline hasn't been feeling well this week. she has been refusing to eat and waking up several times a night. she never got a fever and she only puked after she gagged while eating so we weren't sure what was wrong with her. well, she started to perk up yesterday morning but still wasn't eating great.
so...I am hoping the two aren't related because that would mean it's only a matter of time before i get it too. not only do i still remember last time we had a stomach bug but i really can't have any time off right now. emmeline is extra needy with me when she doesn't feel well.
as a matter of fact she freaks out several times a day at the very sight of josh until i introduce him to her as her dad and then she is all sweet. weird i know. anyway, here's hoping.
i have been intentionally avoiding foods i like today in case i puke them up later. i was thinking it would be a great diet strategy if i ate all the foods i love because then i wouldn't want to eat them for a while. i couldn't do it. i like food to much.

really, really real?

I might be in denial. i should be alot more freaked out then i am, about pretty much everything. this has been one crap week. i post about how life is turning around for me and then boom. i feel like the little boy at the beginning of despicable me. you know. the one who dropped his ice cream and then gru comes along and makes him a balloon animal only to pop it after watching the little boy enjoy it. and laughs. yep, that would be me this week.

a few week s ago if i had this week it would have taken me months to recover. i would have felt totally defeated. like i was wasting everyone's time. This week (excluding one thing) i have taken the bad news in stride. i am excited by this and a little worried. what if i am just denying my insanity and in a few days i hit the wall? sometimes i laugh at the things that are happening right now. that part i am pretty sure is the crazy. the part that can't handle it, so it laughs. yes, i realize i am talking about my crazy like a thing separate from myself. that is usually what it feels like. like i am possessed. maybe i could get an exorcism? if only it would be fixed that quickly.
either way i figure i should try and enjoy my new found ability to not freak out. even if it might only be for a little while. right?

The Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day

I was supposed to get to sleep in today. But Emmeline didn't agree. She cried and screamed until she not only woke up Isa but made in impossible to have any quiet. I could tell it was going to be a terrible horrible no good very bad day.

Then when i tried to feed Emmeline she decided she could do it all by herself. she couldn't.
after breakfast i tried to take a shower. i did all the laundry yesterday. i thought. some how i missed my clothes. i could tell it was going to be a terrible horrible no good very bad day.

i think I'll hibernate.

after my shower i gave the girls a bath. well, they gave the bathroom a bath. i stepped out of the bathroom for a minute to get their clothes. Emmeline went under. and puked in the tub. Isabella HAD to wear a new jacket a friend gave her and the outfit i picked just wouldn't do.

when i tried to get dressed nothing looked right. when i found an outfit that would do i put on my tights. Emmeline pooped. as i was changing her she kicked my with her sharp pointy shoes. i don''t like those shoes. i got a run in my (new) tights. i could tell it was going to be a terrible horrible no good very bad day.

I fixed Emmeline's hair and it looked adorable. at least i thought so anyway. she just wanted me to hold her. i wasn't ready and nicely told her NO!!!!! she 5 point crawled, rubbing her head on the floor like another leg. so much for fixing her hair. i could tell it was going to be a terrible horrible no good very bad day.

Emmeline is asleep now. it's 4pm. she is going to be one happy/hyper baby later but it is totally worth it right now. some days i feel like one great big cosmic joke. but i might be convinced to put off hibernating for a little while longer.

selfishness

my friend is dying. she shouldn't be. I'm not just saying that because she is young, a mother, wife or friend. i am saying it because she really shouldn't be. a doctor screwed up. big time. now that will cost dearly. it will cost a mother, wife and a friend. what will it cost him? not nearly enough.

selfishly i feel guilt. guilt when i breath, guilt when i look at my kids and realize i will probably be able to see them tomorrow. guilt for thinking that eating that candy bar will make me fat. guilt for having the chance to do so many things over again. to keep trying. i don't think Jess would want me to feel that way. i know she wouldn't. she is amazing. beautifully strong. even now she has a greats sense of humor. she wants people to be happy. i hate goodbyes. i always have. they are so often hard. this one is no exception. as i cry i remember her smile and can't help but smile too. i know she wouldn't want me to be sad. she would want me to learn. make every moment count. give extra hugs. yell less. be grateful.

i love you Jess. look out for us.

My Afternoon

It's high time i posted about Isabella right? honestly i wish it wasn't a post like this but hey. it's what happened.

we were at target. isa did great helping my during groceries so she asked if we could go look at toys. i said yes we can LOOK. in a bout two seconds she had wandered off. i watched her go and stood where i was. she only had a few ways to go so i knew she would run into me in a second. she did. a little panicked. she said, "why didn't you follow me?". i responded that is was her job to follow mommy int eh store not mommy following her. i then turned and looked at the end cap. i turn back around. she is gone. again. rather then freak out i figure she said she wanted to look at toys, she must me in the toy section somewhere so i did a loop around. nothing. another loop. again, nothing. one more loop for good measure and i started trying to calm myself down and say, "she is fine, no one took my kid". one more lap. ok, maybe someone did take my kid. i went over to customer service and let them know. they paged her, waiting longer then a mother with a missing child wants to wait. finally i said she should have been here if she heard it. next thing i know the worker whips out a radio and says something no mother wants to hear about there kid. "CODE YELLOW, CODE YELLOW, CODE YELLOW. WE HAVE A MISSING 7 YEAR OLD IN A WHITE SHIRT AND PLAID SKIRT. NAMED ISABELLA HARRIS." the response was even worse. "I'LL COVER THE GROCERY EXIT". "I'VE GOT THE ELECTRONICS EXIT". "I'VE GOT THE BATHROOMS." next thing i know a couple of buff guys in black outfits come stand by the door checking everyone who leaves. as i stood there looking at the guard i realized. "he is there to make sure no one leaves with MY kid". i burst into tears. granted i am super emotional right now for other reasons but this definitely ranks pretty high on my fear list.

of course it has a good ending or i wouldn't be posting right now. in the end she was playing a video game in electronics. i could have strangled her and hugged her to death at the same time. as soon as she saw me and realized that i had had no idea where she was all that time she freaked out. she started getting all teary and wouldn't leave my side the rest of the trip. not even to load the buggy 3 feet away. when she got to the car. she said "i never want to leave the house again". i have to say. i don't want her to either.

HOLE

Today was one of em's specialist appointments. Cardiology. that one freaks me out. last year when we went i was sure they would find nothing. i mean she had had at least 30 ultrasounds done on her heart before we moved here. all saying the same thing. it's fine. apparently "fine" doesn't mean that same thing to everyone. apparently it can mean "well, your kid wont die right this second". anyway, they found an ASD (hole) and a Bicuspid Aortic Valve. both of which weren't "fine" to me. granted i didn't do my normal freak out when i got this news because my AMAZING cousin Emily also had an ASD and had open heart surgery a few years ago. she is doing great and her hole was pretty darn big. they didn't find hers until adulthood. It probably isn't the best for her but works out great for me. i have someone to go to with all my questions i forget to ask the cardiologist. anyway, she is great. it really calms my nerves. until today.

we were hoping em's hole was closing/closed. it isn't. not at all. :( not only hasn't it closed even a little but the right side of her heart is beginning to swell. it is no longer in normal limits. needless to say, not what we had hoped. we have been moved to a 6 month check up schedule. he was hoping she would make it to 20kg before we needed to do the surgery route. it isn't looking good. i was afraid this would mean we would have to do open heart. thankfully the surgeon is OK with doing the catheter procedure(described on the ASD treatment section) around 15kg so we only have about 4 lbs to go. he also gave me the clear to feed her as much butter and cream as i want without hurting her heart so it shouldn't be to hard to get 4 lbs in 6 months. (as i was typing this i kind of freaked myself out and had to call the nurse. i mean how do you not freak out about your kids heart swelling!)

oddly I'm not becoming overwhelmed by this. don't get me wrong. i am terrified. absolutely terrified. the overwhelmed thing might change as her appointment and eminent surgery grow closer. i expect it to. i just hope i don't have to watch my daughter wasting away before my very eyes like i have had to do in the past. several times. like i said in my previous post though, she is one tough cookie. she can handle herself. i know that. but in the back of my mind i know there are always risks with having surgery. em will have had 7 after her heart repair. 7 probably before she turns 3. statistically that isn't good. lets hope she is to stubborn to deal with statistics.

as a side joke, josh and i decided to test whether or not anyone was reading the paper work they made us fill out. again. so whenever they asked for an explanation of any of her medical problems we just put "hole". no body said anything. this just validates my point that the paper work is just to cover their butts. they don't read it. they just check to see that you signed it. if that.

i promised cute pictures this time around. these i figure cover two bases. seeing what my little trooper goes through on a routine basis and adoring the cuteness. and fat. but hey, we worked hard on that fat.

In a chair just like us.


our chairs are boring.


something way more interesting.

EKG


you've got to be kidding me.

fine i'll do it.


ok so i know she looks totally obese in this picture. it's just the perfect angle to show off all the fat we worked so hard on.


ECHO

pretty cute right?

Really Living

Through everything with emmeline i kept telling myself "if "this" would just happen i could finally relax". That was back when i thought there was only one thing wrong with her. When we would find another i would think "surely this is it". but it wasn't. not by a long shot. We really were blessed though. CHARGE has affected emmeline in a very small way compared to her peers. Does that make it easier? not really. It's always hard to watch your child struggle. it's weird to think she has a mild case when she has 9 specialists and 7 therapists but that's just how it works. a little bit of everything. then add the stroke and that just makes everything a little more complicated. well let me tell you. MY KID IS AMAZING!!!!!!

even when she was a newborn in the hospital and a doctor would say "i don't think she'll ever..." or "if she doesn't (fill int he blank) then we will have to..." she would turn around and prove them wrong. no, we couldn't trick her or anything. she had to really want it. and usually she did.

Emmeline can make my life pretty miserable. when she does something she goes all the way. none of this half way stuff. if she wanted to sit she would sit, walk she would walk, eat she would eat, stand on the table and scare mommy, check. she comes by her stubbornness fairly. i mean she is half perkins half harris. And it has saved her life. she would never let go. she sacred us several times getting really close to the edge but she still hung on.

even with all her accomplishments before now i still didn't feel that big relief. there was always another huge goal. something i really, really wanted. that made it feel like i couldn't breath in all the way. the other day, i took a breath. a big one. it reached parts of my lungs that haven't moved in a while. it didn't stay that way but i breathed. all of a sudden i could see other things the next feeding, or appointment. things for me. weird. have i done them yet? no. but i actually had room in my brain for them.

the event that really pushed me over the edge of living was emmeline's annual evaluation with ECI. she has been at least 6 months behind in every area since birth. well, after the eval she got the following scores. they are by month age. emmeline is currently 28 months old.

Cognition 29
self help/adaptive 26
communication 21 25%delay. pretty good for having 50% hearing
gross/fine motor 28
social emotional 30!

when they told me the scores i asked if those we just the points she got and not the age. they smiled and said no, it's that age! i was floored! She really is amazing. she did all the hard work. and through her hard work we can both start living. her for the first time, and me again. it has truly been wonderful to watch her grow and learn. pretty much since May 10. before that she was so focused on staying alive. then everything equalized. well, not right away. like i said, she worked/works really hard. if she would every let me video her doing something other then dancing i could show you. you will probably see several more of these type of posts as things start to sink in. i mean i posted plenty about how hard everything was. i figure i should try and give as much time to being happy right?

so, now if i could just remember what to do with an "average" kid.

i have been trying all day to add a couple cute pictures of emmeline to this post but sadly you will have to wait until next time.

A Nice Pick Me Up

i have been kind of burnt out on couponing lately so i haven't been going much. well, i really needed to roll over some rewards so i went out this morning and scored a GREAT deal.

9 sure deodorants
5 Maalox advanced
1 gas prevention
1 nivea arctic freeze after shave moisturizer
1 pro clinical toothpaste


.04!!!!

my cvs deal wasn't as good since i had to pay .61 for that one. but when it's all totaled i paid .65 for $65.14 worth of merchandise. not too bad.