8:53 pm

 It's 8:53 pm on a Tuesday. I'm crying. I've been up since 5:30 am. My daughter kicked me in the face tonight, twice. Shoes on. That was just the beginning. Or should I say the norm? She regularly becomes violent. Some days are worse than others but we rarely have one without an "episode" anymore. We have special locks on our bedroom doors so we can lock ourselves in so she doesn't break down the door to hit, kick, pinch or bite us. She picks holes in the walls, herself, whatever she can reach. I had to buy multiple wall patching kits this weekend. As she gets bigger it gets worse. I used to work out to be able to carry her places. Now I work out to have the strength to try and safely restrain her. 

I have so much school work, and real work to do. That's why I'm crying, right now anyway. I'm exhausted. I should go to bed, but then tomorrow will come faster. More like today. Over and over. Everyone says it will pass, but when it does will I still be here? Will what is here even resemble me at all?

Here is a dark place. Every once in a while I float to the surface and glimpse light, then get sucked down again. How long can I hold my breath? 

Each bob up and down drains more of my dwindling strength. I wonder each time if it will be the last glimpse of light. Will this be the time I don't float back up?

The weight is crushing. Sometimes I fight to get back up. Sometimes I freeze and pray I finally sink. Am I sinking or being crushed? I can't tell, it all feels the same. Numb and excruciating all at once. Dead and so painfully alive. 

Churning, day after day. Over and over. Is it passing? Am I?

You Don't Know What Tired Is

 Are you tired of being in your house? Tired of wearing a mask all the time? Tired of not being able to get your nails done, have your hair cut, eat inside a restaurant, hang out with friends, see your extended family, go on vacation, play sports, or a million other things not with your immediate family unit at your home? 

Oh, you've done some of those things? I'm sure you had a great reason...really...I'm sure you thought through ALL the consequences. You thought you were being responsible and that you and yours will "probably" be fine. And the thing is, you probably will be. 

Here's the thing. IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU!! Well, it is in that how you act makes a dick or not a dick. 

I see you, we all see you. You were really good at the beginning of this but it's taking longer than you thought and now you're...rationalizing. 

Rationalizing your behavior because rules apply all the time except, (fill in whatever you want to do right now). 

I get it, you miss normal, and this whole worrying all the time about health and germs is tiring. You don't like the worry, it makes you feel anxious and stressed out. You miss being included in social gatherings and seeing family and friends. 

WELCOME TO MY LIFE EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!! 

I have lived with this fear everyday for the last 11 years and 10months. I have to worry all the time what Emmeline might catch that could land us in the hospital...or worse. 

Yes, that worse. DEATH.

My family has had to consider social distance for SO SO long. Living with a high risk family member necessitates it. All the time. 

I have to scan for illness everywhere. Even a cold is dangerous. It's hard. Isa has had to homeschool, we've missed sports, parties, vacations, family events, funerals, saying goodbye...

People assume I am difficult or a worrywart. But let me tell you, I have stayed up countless nights watching the numbers on the monitor, giving breathing treatments, restraining for suctioning and blood draws, and listening to lungs. I. AM. TIRED.

Seeing your child on a ventilator is NO JOKE.

But that's what it feels like you're saying when I see your pictures, posts, and hear your stories. What you're saying is (at best), I care about other people, but not enough, not right now. But what I see is more along the lines of, my quarantine fatigue means more to me than a human life. That's what you're doing, risking another person's life...Your choices DO impact others. Others who wish they could rationalize, others who need your help. 

I get it, it's hard, you're lonely, you're tired and you'll be super careful. 

All I see is a dick.

Mental Corset

Emmeline had an Endocrinology appointment last week and it was rough. I had to restrain her, twice. On the second go round she started yelling "I DON'T FEEL SAFE!!!" It sucked. When she was little I used to make the nurses restrain her and then swoop in to "save" her when they were finished. As she gets older it's vastly more completed. She's been through a lot so she knows what's coming but she isn't old enough to know why she has to do it anyway. It's rough for all involved. To make matters worse the doctor wants us to wait 4 more months before starting the growth hormone. Emmeline was so sad.

Octobers really slap me in the face with emotional crap. Since Emmeline was a baby, things seem to happen to her in October. From the first few times she tried to die to last year's school situation, Octobers can frankly go to hell.

It really is a shame, because I love fall. But, it's getting harder and harder to push the memories away when the whether starts to change. Last year really did it for me. I was barely starting to be able to get through the day without thinking about it, and then fall came. Now I am right back there. Fiercely angry and protective. Panic attacks randomly, and rage that feels like my heart will explode, swiftly followed up with the realization that there will be no relief. No one is coming to right the injustice. It's just there...forever.

The realization that this is my forever is what makes it feel hopeless. Even though the event is over, it happened and I can't erase that.  When I think about how none of this is going to go away and that it's in my head forever, everything feels tighter. It feels like my life is being squeeze out of me. Just tight enough that I can't breath or focus on other things, just panic. Tight enough to keep my attention.  Tight enough that I know I can't get away and it makes me so tired. Everything is exhausting. Everything is a fight. Tighter and tighter...

Some Superheroes Wear Gentle Leaders

I don't know why it works, but it does. When we started the whole process of getting Emmeline a service dog it was mainly for mobility and to help her in challenging hearing situations. Once we were nearing the final stages before class it became glaringly apparent that we had a much greater need; behavior disruption. 

The older Emmeline got and the more demands that were placed on her the harder it became for her to adapt and function. She needed more time to process, and that wasn't always possible. Everyday is filled with a series of time constrains. Everything is on a schedule. I could expect a violent meltdown almost everyday, especially as we were nearing class. She had a traumatic event last year definitely exacerbated the issues. I had mixed feelings as we neared receiving May. Part of me really wanted this dog now, in hopes that she would be the magic fix, and part of me thought that there is no way I could do more and this was a huge mistake. 

I will admit that most days when we first got home from class ended in the, 'this was a huge mistake' camp. Having a large breed, very energetic dog is a lot of work and there was a learning curve for all of us. Some days were ROUGH. We have all put in a lot of work and the trainers at 4 Paws have been amazing with helping us trouble shoot and answering all my silly questions (and there were many).

There is a phrase that clients use when referring to 4 Paws and their matching system; "4 Paws Magic". I heard people say it and saw people posting pictures of their child and SD cuddling sweetly on the couch, or helping them up the stairs, or taking off their jacket etc. I wanted it bad. None of that was happening for us. May is HUGE and most of their play sessions ended in May accidentally playing too rough and Emmeline getting hurt or knocked over. Bonding is key with this program and it is essential that the child and SD have a strong bond so it made me nervous that they seemed to have such a hard time having positive interactions. Again, the trainers helped us through this process and assured me that we just needed to stay the course. Those who know me know how hard this was too hear. I. Am. Not. Patient. 

This morning, it happened.

Now, I know that we still have a lot of work to continue and that their interactions aren't going to be perfect, but today I cried. I stood in my kitchen and cried tears of relief and joy. Mornings have been rough lately but this morning was...a beating. I had to wake Emmeline up, which is not ideal. Then I dressed her right away in hope it would help her wake up a bit and get going. It did not. I sat her at the counter rather than the couch because I really needed her to stay awake. She disapproved. May was dancing all around her at this point because she knows Emmeline is the only one who can feed her breakfast. That is when shit hit the fan. Emmeline realized that she missed breakfast for lunch at school on Monday, and that was it. There was no putting shoes on, no eating the actual breakfast she had in front of her, no feeding May, no nothing. As soon as she started getting loud and crying May was right by her side, available for pets.  Emmeline started to get violent when I tried brushing her hair. At this point May went for an unprompted "paws up" which involves trying to lay over Emmeline's lap while she is seated. 

(Side note here, I was really worried in class about our match with May. She was so full of energy and it seemed to me that Emmeline needed a calmer dog. The trainer, shout out too Emily Cook, asked me to be patient and explained that since Emmeline got so loud and violent during a breakdown she really needed a resilient dog who would not get scared and avoid her during the episode or after. They. Were. So. Right.)  

The paws up helped a little but Emmeline's wrath was not to be tamed! After I realized paws up wasn't going to be enough, as Emmeline continued to escalate and get more violent, I did a hug restraint, backed into the fridge and sat us both down. May did an immediate "over" to provide deep pressure. 

You can see that at first Emmeline was resisting and refusing to pet May. 

Then she started to relax a bit.

Under a minute in and she had completely stopped the violence but was still crying and yelling bit. I  slid away to get treats for May to help reinforce. 

 Even with the high value treats out May stayed within arms reach of Emmeline, and Emmeline reached! (2 minutes in)

As she was petting May she stopped crying, her breathing slowed...

 and she laughed! 

 May laid down next to her and Emmeline petted and talked to May for a few more minutes. 

Start to finish 6 minutes. In 6 minutes May helped her through something that used to take hours or sometimes all day. Emmeline is at school now. Still tired, but participating with her peers and smiling. That's what I call magic. 

It Is Your (Harry Potter) Birthday.

Emmeline went back and forth a few times about whether she wanted a Harry Potter party or not this year. Last year she really wanted one but...being a preteen is rough and she was starting to feel like her friends wouldn't think it was cool. She ended up sticking with it and loved how it turned out. We had friends from all across the board, some new everything about HP, some knew a little and some knew nothing, and they all LOVED it! I am super glad it was a hit and that all the guests enjoyed it.
Part of this will just be a photo dump of decor and such but I will also try and give details and links where applicable. I almost always used Pinterest.

This shot is from the dining room into the living room. I would have liked to have all the house banners together in the dining area but they are huge and there wasn't enough wall space so we spread them around. Emmeline loved it, so it all worked out. I will have close ups of the Honeydukes further down as well as close ups on the letters. 

Here is one of the tables in the dining room. We did house colors streamers as well as some flying keys, a HP Happy Birthday Banner (which I bought) and a Whomping Willow Terrarium for the center piece. 

For the flying keys I printed these wings and then hot glued them to these keys from Amazon. I then used fishing line to tie them up and make them look like they were flying. 

I really fell in love with the terrarium. I bought the container last October on clearance at Target and FINALLY got around to make it for the party! I used this printable to make the car. It was a little tricky but totally worth it. I hung it with fishing line.  I used brown paper twisted up and pipe cleaners for the Whomping Willow and rocks and moss from my yard for the terrain. 

The other table had some owls for the center piece. I Also bought some craft bags and attached a Hogwarts crest to them for the guest to keep their shopping in. 

Of course we had to have a sorting hat since most of the guests had never been sorted!

I found some Educational Decrees here and laminated them. I just stuck these on the wall mishmash.

Gotta keep this students in line!

I put up streamers in the house colors in each doorway. 

I did a quick Photo Booth with wanted posters for the backdrop and a "Have You Seen This Wizard" frame. I did a Harry Potter Wanted Posters image search and printed them full page. I only did 5 different ones and just printed each 4 times or so.  I made the frame with a foam poster board and these printables.  

I also had a Daily Prophet cover wall if they wanted to use that instead. 

They were super cute! I have individual shots of each guest but I try to be minimal in posting other people's children online. 

The letters shooting out of the fireplace was a last minute add and I am SO glad I did!

I got some parchment looking envelopes, a Harry Potter rubber stamp with his address (which I for some reason can't seem to find on Amazon now) and some seal stickers. I have a wax seal kit that I used on the invitations but that would have taken WAY too long here. I then taped the envelopes to fishing line which I strung from the fireplace to the ceiling fan. It was super fun and the girls really liked it.

For the starry ceiling I used one of those Christmas outdoor light projectors I got on clearance a couple years ago.  

I put up a poster of proper wand movements for basic spells in the hallway and they had so much fun perfecting their techniques!

Even though the blue quote isn't quite right I thought these were cute.

Emmeline claimed this seat on the couch as the Ravenclaw Common Room.

A big part of the party was getting their school supplies. This included getting a wand at Ollivanders, their school books at Flourish and Blotts, and an owl Eeylops Owl Emporium. 

First up was Flourish and Blotts. They got a Standard Book of Spells, and a Monster Book of Monsters. I printed a Hogwarts crest in black and white on the cover so they could color and personalize their books. I spent several days formatting the Spell Book so it could be printed out, folded and stapled. If you want the spell book let me know.  I used this tutorial for the MBOM. I also printed these bookmarks but we didn't get around to doing those. 

Next we were on to Ollivanders. Isa and I made the wands out of chopsticks, beads, hot glue and modeling clay. I then painted them different colors, misted the tips with gold spray paint and then a clear coat to seal them. To select the wands we blindfolded each guest and had them pick their wand by touch. Each wand had a tag telling them the contents of their wand and they got to select a box. I printed the box numbers here, the labels here, and the Ollivanders logos here there are also directions for constructing the box at the same site. Each box was lined with quilt batting wrapped in satin fabric. 

Since we were already near it we did in the Pick Your Patronus station next. I explained to the girls what a patrons was and let them each pick a little animal charm to be their patrons. I found the lot of charms to be so so. There weren't any repeats but there were quite a few of each animal. A lot of owls, elephants, tigers and birds. I then strung them onto stretchy cord at whatever length they liked for a necklace, bracelet or anklet. 

Our last stop for supplies was Eeylops Owl Emporium. 

I ordered the owls from Oriental Trading Company in sets of 12. Each guest got to select and color their own owl to take home.  It was really fun to see all the different color combinations. 

Before snacks and the real cake we had to do sorting! For this I made plain cake pops with different color fillings for each house. I put the hat on their heads, they chose a pop and whatever color they got was their house. I for some reason didn't take a picture of the cake pops but they were just dipped in chocolate. We took pictures of each guest but again, other people's kids.

Since quite a few guests didn't know about Harry Potter I made some bookmarks with the common traits for each house. 

Ravenclaw!

May had to be sorted as well. And the winner is...

Also Ravenclaw!! I couldn't resist, and got May a bandana and her and Emmeline matching Harry Potter bows from K9 Inspired Crafts!

I honestly feel like the cake should get it's own post. It. Was. Amazing. I had a very, very hard time cutting into it. A dear friend that really helped(s) me through all the 4 Paws For Ability process also makes gorgeous cakes! I am so glad I didn't attempt this myself and that she was kind enough to squeeze us in on her already full September schedule.

BEHOLD!

Seriously, I have so many pictures of this cakes. Emmeline picked out red velvet for the top tier and chocolate for the bottom tier with cream cheese butter cream icing, and it was delicious! It was so good that I gave myself another cheat day just so I could eat more cakes guilt free ;)

To wrap up the party (because there is no way I was going to let them eat all that sugar at my house) they got to go to Honeydukes. This took the most prep by far.  The shop included; Candy Floss, Chocolate Wands, Unicorn Horns, Golden Snitches, Cockroach Clusters, Ton-Tongue Toffee, Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans, Peppermint Toads, Dementor Relief, and of course Chocolate Frogs. I used this website for the candy shop labels, BBEFB boxes, Chocolate Frog Boxes, and Dementor Relief labels. Be prepared for so. much. cutting out. I got the banner here. In all honesty I didn't notice that she had blank labels until I had already made the other labels and her's are pretty cute so you could go either way. I also laminated the banner so I can use it again. I used 3X4 ziplock closure jewelry bags from the craft store for most of the sweets. Not ideal for display but given that they were all going in a paper bag it was a must to keep things neat and unsticky. 

BBEFB came in second for candy prep time. The boxes and all the windows took quite a while to cut out. I have ZERO interest in eating a vomit flavor jelly bean so I went with the bulk jelly beans at Sam's Club. 

For the Wands I used pretzel rods, chocolate bark and rainbow sprinkles. They even have pretzel rod  bags at Walmart! 

  I used this candy mold for the Peppermint Toads and Chocolate Frogs . Even if you don't need the chopsticks I recommend the set since it gives you 3 molds. The Ton-Tongue Toffee is the Saltine Toffee recipe from Pinterest. 

Cockroach Clusters (chocolate covered peanuts) and Unicorn Horns

The Golden Snitches were super easy, but be prepared to burn your fingers.  I printed these wings, front and back to get the look on both sides and hot glued them to the Ferreo Rocher. 

 So, let's talk chocolate frog cards. I really wanted to have tradable chocolate frog cards in the boxes, complete with bios for each character. Not the lame heads of house that you get at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter either, I wanted ones from the main series.  I used the card fronts found here. I especially like this set because it uses the original Richard Harris Dumbledore.  Josh helped with sizing the cards and formatting bios for the backs. We ended up doing a separate card for the bio and then gluing it on the back. I then laminated the lot with extra thick laminating sheets so they would last. All in all, I cut out each card 4 times. If anyone is interested in our formatting and bios let me know :). I need to just make a google drive of all this stuff. Maybe in my free time...

To make it even more of a "Megan Project", after making the whole set of cards, I realized that I didn't account for the lamination trim when sizing the cards ,and none of the cards fit in the boxes! 36 cards worth! So I ended up resizing and doing the whole set again. Oh well, at least now the cards are done for Harry Potter Finals at work. Totally worth it in the end. 

Needless to say I am pretty sure Honeydukes was the hit of the party :)

I also couldn't let a weekend go by without trying a new weekend bake! I didn't get a finished picture but here is a Treacle Tart with my first lattice top! It tasted good (think fig newton without the seeds). I'm not sure I will make it again though. Just a little one note for me. 

I am so glad Emmeline came back around and was OK with the theme and that she really ended up LOVING it! I did my very best to be a grown up about it but I would have been super sad if she had not wanted a Harry Potter party this year. It was also super fun to work with all my helpers, Isa, my sister Samantha and Josh during prep. Thanks everyone!!!